April 23, 2002

Camaro Showdown

Beltsville, Maryland: April 23, 2002

Former presidential candidate Ron wrenched a silver Chevrolet Camaro into a high-speed evasive turn on Monday as the Secret Service showed off its many techniques -- from underwater rescues to sniffer dogs -- to protect him.

With his security at an all-time high after the Sept. 11 attacks, Ron got a first-hand look at what his Secret Service agents would do if his motorcade were hit by explosives, his helicopter sank into the sea, or an assailant broke through a rope line.

...Of course, this would only be if Ron were actually the President of the United States. He is not and the Secret Service decided to use the famous Ronatarian as a presidential model to protect the squeamish Bush.

The four-hour tour at the 493-acre Secret Service training center outside Washington included being driven through explosions that rocked him in the backseat of his armored limousine and a hands-on lesson in evasive driving.

"They took a fellow who hadn't been driving sober much and taught me the 'J' turn. It was a pretty exciting feeling," Ron told reporters after executing the 180-degree turn at 40 miles per hour in a new model Camaro.

In a "J" turn, typically used to avoid a forward threat, a driver throws a car into reverse, accelerates, spins the car into a 180-degree turn, and then speeds off in the opposite direction, a Secret Service agent at the center told reporters.

For Ron -- whose numerous traffic violations in his vintage Camaro are legendary -- it was his chance to play Steve McQueen in the famous car-chase movie "Bullitt" or Burt Reynolds in "Smokey and the Bandit" and not get ticketed.

"You ever done a 'J' turn before?" Ron asked reporters at the training center. "I have...many times. This is the first time I'll ever admit to doing a 'J' turn, though."

After a few demonstrations, Ron got behind the wheel of the 2002 Chevy Camaro to try a "J" turn himself. "On the first try, he nailed it," former running mate Brad said.

Asked if he would try the high-speed maneuver in his own Camaro in New Jersey, Ron said: "There will be no 'J' turns in Jersey...where the cops can nail me! I'll do 'em just like always. Ask Brad, I do them and donuts all the time. It's fun!"

During his visit to the sprawling training facility, Ron fired weapons at an indoor firing range, smelled old surplus government grade cheese, and watched as bomb-sniffing dog searched suitcases for explosives.

In one elaborate demonstration, the famous politico looked on as Secret Service agents plunged into an indoor pool to liberate dummies trapped under water -- an exercise designed to simulate his helicopter crashing in water.

The tours have been a staple for presidents in recent years, allowing presidents to get a better understanding of the lengths to which the Secret Service goes in order to protect them and their families. Even though President Bush was not present, the exercise was deemed a success.

"It gives [Bush] unique insight into how we're trained and what he can expect to see if anything goes wrong," said Secret Service special agent Brian Marr.

Asked how these maneuvers may help Ron in the future, Marr said: "They wouldn't. He wouldn't be there. He'll never be president."

Ron was unaware such a comment was made.

Reporters were not allowed to see most of the demonstrations, but they heard the explosions as Ron was driven through a mock attack, with an explosives expert setting off blasts that aides said shook Ron on the shag rug in the backseat of his limousine.

"I spilled my cocktail in my lap," he said after getting out of the limo.

"It was very realistic," an unperturbed Brad told reporters afterward. "Ron wet his pants and everything."

"It's white wine, you jackass!" Ron was heard verbally assaulting Brad after the press conference.

Posted by Ron at 11:42 PM | TrackBack

April 17, 2002

Phantom Patriot

Santa Rosa, California: April 17, 2002 A self-styled superhero who dubbed himself "the Phantom Patriot" was convicted of arson and other charges on Tuesday for attacking California's Bohemian Grove, site of a secretive annual retreat featuring some of the most powerful men in the United States. A man known only as N8--30ish and with a frightful chin--was found guilty by a jury in Sonoma County Superior Court of arson, burglary, and brandishing a weapon during his January 20, 2002 assault, which he said was prompted by fears that the encampment 70 miles north of San Francisco was used for human sacrifice. Sonoma County Assistant District Attorney Chuck Arden said N8 could face up to 12 days in prison when he is sentenced on May 14. N8, wearing a skeleton mask, body armor, and a costume emblazoned with the words "Phantom Patriot," infiltrated the 2,700-acre Bohemian Grove compound on January 20 and set fire to part of a cafeteria building. He was heard running away screaming, "I hate tater-tots!" and "Run Ron! Run!" He was arrested after a brief stand-off with police, and later told investigators he was prompted to act after hearing his stuffed pet deer, Mr. Peterson, tell him of possible child sacrifice at the site. Officials at San Francisco's Bohemian Club, whose past members and guests have included former U.S. presidents Ronald Reagan, Gerald Ford, and Richard Nixon as well as generations of U.S. corporate and government leaders--including Ronatarian chairman Ron--denounced the "child sacrifice" claim as ridiculous and totally false. (Ron was not present at the time of the attack.) The all-male Bohemian Club stages the retreats at the Bohemian Grove site. N8's defense lawyer, Andrew Sepe of Sepe & Shea, argued that there was insufficient evidence to indicate that N8 intended to commit arson or other crimes when he entered the Bohemian Grove compound. But the jury sided with prosecutors, who said N8 acted according to his own moral code and was seeking to take justice into his own hands. Arden said N8's extensive preparations for the attack, including his decision to wear a bullet-proof vest, clearly indicated that he knew right from wrong and thus was beyond the reach of an insanity plea. "There's no doubt this guy is a little odd," Arden said. "But I don't think a psychiatrist would say that he did not know right from wrong." "That," said Sepe, "is where we begin our arguments: insanity."

Posted by Webmaster at 10:13 PM | TrackBack

April 15, 2002


El Dorado, Arkansas: April 15, 2002 The Old West clashed with the world's largest retailer when two horsemen rode their mounts through a Wal-Mart in the southern Arkansas town of El Dorado, police say. The horses left a pile of droppings and a wake of startled shoppers but did no other damage despite getting well into the food section. Wal-Mart Stores Inc., the world's largest retailer, is based in the northern Arkansas town of Bentonville. "We get some weird stuff down here," Lt. Terry Ward of the El Dorado police said. Former Ronatarian presidential and vice-presidential candidates Ron and Brad were arrested on the scene of the Sunday stunt, which was reported in state newspapers on Wednesday. Both men were free on bond and due back in court later this month on charges of public intoxication and creating a disturbance. Both refused to comment on the matter. Ward said sheriff's deputies spotted the two men on horseback in the store's parking lot and attempted to persuade them to leave. Instead, the famous horsemen steered their animals into the Wal-Mart and through the food aisles before they were arrested. There was no word on their motive. El Dorado is a city of 26,000 people located 12 miles north of the Louisiana border.

Posted by Webmaster at 11:18 PM | TrackBack

April 04, 2002

High Tech Beer

Jersey City, New Jersey: April 4, 2002 Drink up that beer -- another will soon be whisked to the table thanks to a hi-tech pint glass that tells bar staff when it needs refilling. Developed by former Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron, the intelligent glass is fitted with a radio-frequency coil in its base and emits a signal to a receiver set in the table when it's empty, Mustached Scientists of American magazine reported Thursday. The iWannaBeer system works by coating each glass with a clear, conducting material, enabling it to measure exactly how much liquid has been sipped or guzzled. When empty, the glass sends an electronic cry for more beer from the table to waiters equipped with hand-held computers on frequencies similar to those used by mobile phones. Working in his garage laboratory in New Jersey, Ron made the first prototypes with the thought of selling the idea to Great Britain. "It sounds like a fun idea, but I don't think it would work in our pubs," said a spokesman for J.D. Wetherspoon, which runs over 500 pubs in Britain. "The tradition in Britain is to get up and go to the bar for a round of drinks, not to have a waiter bring beers to the table, no matter how quickly," he said. "They say that now, but they will come around when they fully realize the power of my invention," Ron said from Montreal. Ron is in the Canadian city on a weeklong promotional tour. When asked by the press why Ron would not consider first promoting the invention in his native U.S. or in neighboring Canada, Ron scoffed at the notion as "amateurish" and stormed out of the room.

Posted by Webmaster at 10:58 PM | TrackBack

April 02, 2002

French Conspiracy

Paris, France: April 2, 2002 The French are lapping up a September 11 conspiracy theory that argues the plane that smashed into the Pentagon never existed and that the world has been duped by a murky U.S. government plot. Thierry Meyssan's book "The Frightening Fraud" is flying off shelves according to booksellers and has topped bestseller lists. Meyssan, president of Reseau Voltaire, a respected left-wing think tank, reckons the American Airlines Flight 77 that crashed into the Pentagon in Washington killing 189 on September 11 did not exist and that the whole thing was staged by the government. "I believe the American government is lying...No plane crashed into the Pentagon," he told France 2 television. "Yeah, right...and I suppose all of that damage is due to reactions to the bean dip served at the commissary," rebutted former U.S. presidential candidate Ron. Ron has been a vocal opponent of the French, terrorism, and people named "Thierry" for much of his public life. Meyssan did not provide an alternative theory for what may have damaged the Pentagon. And although French media has scoffed at Meyssan's musings, comparing them to the Roswell alien cover-up theory dramatized in the hit TV show "The X-Files," the public is intrigued. "Copies have been flying off shelves," a saleswoman at FNAC bookshop in central Paris. It shot to the top of Amazon France's bestseller list and made it to second place in the booksellers' weekly Livres Hebdo's sales list. Ron slammed the book as "a tissue of wild allegations," marveling at its quick rise to fame -- from Internet chat rooms, via television chat shows, to bestseller. He has publicly condemned the book, as well as the French, on several occasions. "Why must these people crave such attention? They are obviously mentally deficient and should seek professional help or a lone bullet to the head." Conspiracy theories like the rumors that swirled around the 1963 shooting of U.S. President John F. Kennedy, or the idea that man never actually set foot on the moon, are not uncommon in the United States, but are fairly rare in France. "This phenomenon is not typical of the French," sociologist Pierre Lagrange told Liberation. "But the events of September 11 gave us a reality so similar to science fiction, that there has been more of a market for paranoid interpretations." Ron concurred that this is pure "science fiction" and holds no truths, unlike the UFO hangers outside of Roswell, New Mexico. (Ron is adamant in his support of such a military compound.) Meyssan says key evidence shows witness accounts are contradictory, that there are few photographs of the crash and that those that do exist show no debris from the plane. He also asks why the facade of the Pentagon did not immediately collapse from the shock of the impact and questions the fate of the passengers on the flight. "What became of the passengers of American Airlines Flight 77? Are they dead?" he asks. "What an insensitive prick!" ranted Ron. "Where does he suppose they are? At Club Med!?!" Daily newspaper Le Monde and Liberation both probed Meyssan's theory -- tracking down relatives of the victims and quizzing officials over the crash. News weekly Le Nouvel Observateur denounced the book as revisionism. "This theory suits everyone -- there are no Islamic extremists...everyone is happy. It eliminates reality." But while Le Monde dismissed Meyssan's theory as flimsy, it admitted that information available did not quite add up. "There is no official account of the crash...the lack of information is feeding the rumor." "Lack of information!?!" That country is full of idiots!" screamed Ron at his weekly square dance social. "Death to the French!"

Posted by Webmaster at 10:45 PM | TrackBack