March 30, 2002

Croquet Ain't For Sissies

Calgary, Canada: May 30, 2002 Three men were sent to the hospital after being hit with mallets and nine people were arrested following a vicious brawl between croquet and softball players in this western Canadian city. One man was in a hospital trauma center with life-threatening head injuries following the melee at a Calgary, Alberta athletic field, police and paramedics said on Wednesday. Alcohol was said to be a factor. "I didn't realize croquet was a contact sport," said Det. Dean Vegso of the Calgary police. The incident began late Tuesday when a softball team, which had just wrapped up a game, and the croquet players, who had been using the same field, began hurling what police described as "childish" insults at each other. "For whatever reason, the two groups got into a verbal argument, which turned into a fistfight, and then they began hitting each other with the wooden croquet mallets," Vegso said. "I think one of the instigators was a 'Yank'." Police and ambulances soon arrived on the scene, and nine of the brawlers were arrested, he said. The most notable being former Ronatarian vice-presidential candidate Brad, whose love of croquet is well know worldwide. What has been kept secret, until this ugly incident, is Brad's disdain for softball. Vesgo reported that calming Brad down "was one of the toughest things we've handled here in Calgary, and we hosted the [1988 Winter] Olympics." Three of seven people who sustained injuries in the fracas were transported to hospital, paramedics said. Brad was not reported to be injured. Many openly wondered why Brad was in Canada in the first place. The Ronatarian Party refused to release an official statement on the matter, but bars and pubs around the party's headquarters in New Jersey were said to be "more rowdy than usual", said local media representatives.

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March 26, 2002

Inflatable Bittle

March 26, 2002: Jersey City, New Jersey A northern New Jersey man suspected of murder after he was seen carrying what a neighbor thought was a dead Bittle into his house was cleared after he showed police his collection of rubber sex and Bittle dolls. A police spokeswoman said Tuesday the neighbor called to say he saw the man--identified as former Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron--carrying a "corpse" into the abode. Police responding to the call found the suspect to be "surprised, ornery, and disturbed" by their questions at first. "When the officers then told Ron they were investigating a murder he showed them his newly acquired silicon Bittle doll," the spokeswoman said. "Seriously, this one's just for punching," Ron explained, "I only shag the ones that are chicks." "Ron also showed the officers four other inflatable sex dolls he owns. Apparently, he had just been testing out his new acquisition when police arrived." The spokeswoman said the police then left the apartment and closed the file . "They didn't want to disturb him any longer," the spokeswoman said. "Ron's famous temper may have aided in the decision," she added.

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March 25, 2002

Chocolate Cigarettes

March 25, 2002: London, England

Prince Charles, heir to the British throne, is selling his own brand of luxury chocolate Easter eggs, the Mirror reported on Saturday.

The prince's organic chocolate confections have gone on sale at London's swanky Fortnum & Mason's grocery store for $43 each.

The 14 oz. eggs, made from dark Belgian chocolate, are being sold by the prince's natural food company, Duchy Originals, with all proceeds going to charity. Each egg will be embossed with the prince's crest and will also be sold over the Internet.

"This is a luxury egg for serious chocoholics," Duchy Originals spokeswoman Fiona Gately told the Mirror. "It's made with 70 percent rich dark chocolate and has a distinctive flavor," she said.

In a surprisingly similar endeavor, former U.S. presidential candidate Ron is selling packs of chocolate cigarettes. Ron intends to target the unique candies to children and the infirmed.

Ron's business plan has been widely criticized, but he insists that his product will be successful. "I know what the people want," said Ron in a statement. "They want the oral fix of a cigarette with the sugar high afforded by chocolate." He likened the chocolate stains consumers would get on their fingers to the nicotine stains real smokers get from prolonged smoking. "You get the whole package with my product."

He plans on marketing one brand of chocolate cigarettes--the fictional Ron's Creamy Lung Sticks--in many "flavors". He intends on using dark chocolate for unfiltered, milk chocolate for menthol, and white chocolate for cloved cigarettes.

Ron intends to use most of the proceeds to fund his 2004 presidential campaign and the rest to cover gambling debts.

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March 07, 2002

Fish Fight

March 7, 2002: Madeira Beach, Florida A New Jersey vacationer, in Florida on a fishing trip, was recovering on Friday after being stabbed with the bill of a swordfish during a fight with another man, a sheriff's spokeswoman said. Police arrested former Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron and vice-presidential candidate Brad on Thursday after the two men allegedly started fighting near a dock in Madeira Beach, a small city on Florida's Gulf Coast. Police said that after Brad hit Ron in the head with a beer bottle and left, Ron went to Brad's hotel room and stabbed him in the abdomen with a sharp detached bill of a swordfish. "We don't see this kind of thing very often," said Pinellas County Sheriff spokeswoman Marianna Pasha. Both men were drunk, according to police. Ron and Brad were held without bond on charges of aggravated battery. No one is sure what triggered their incident at the dock. The running mates were involved in a fracas earlier this week while on vacation in the Philippines. They had just returned home for some much needed rest and relaxation. This makes two hospital visits for Brad in as many weeks. Brad was listed in fair condition, Pasha said. Ron declined treatment and refused to comment on the incident.

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