April 30, 2000

2000 Ronatarian National Convention

Jersey City, NJ: April 29-30, 2000

Ron was cheered by hordes of followers at the Ronatarian National Convention where he proudly accepted his nomination as the official candidate for the Ronatarian Party by an overwhelming vote of 100%. No others even competed for the position. In fact, the Ronatarian Party was spontaneously founded on the first day of the convention, by Ron, after a pub crawl in Jersey City, New Jersey.

Truly, it was fate which brought Ron into the spotlight. Who could have known that the admiration of a random group of drunken Irishmen at a common bar would escalate to a presidential nomination in the course of a weekend? Brad claims that he knew, but that's an entirely different story altogether.

It was the 8th bar of the pub crawl and the 12th tequila shot which initiated the fateful conversation. Many of the participants were complaining about how Burger King had kicked the group out for mere "belligerence" on the way to this particular bar. "Horses--t!" proclaimed Ron, "this is a direct violation of our constitutional rights as Americans! When I'm president, I'm gonna close down all those f---ing Burger Kings for good!"

Since no prefabricated "Ron for President" buttons were available, the small group made crude advertisements for Ron's presidency out of bar napkins and empty packs of cigarettes. Everybody got into the excitement of the Ron campaign. Word spread forth, calls were made, drunks hit the streets, and thousands of people who previously never thought that Ron would actually run for President flew in for the convention. Ron had only one condition for his candidacy -- Brad was to be his Vice President. This day, a Ron for the people was born.

Ron awoke at noon the next day with the biggest hangover of his life. The last thing Ron remembered was choking on a quarter that was in his beer. Brad filled him in on all the details and showed him all the documents Ron had signed the previous evening. "You're in, dude. You're now the official Ronitarian candidate for the presidency of the United States! Get up, you have to make your acceptance speech in one hour."

Perhaps the shortest , yet most potent, acceptance speech in the history of mankind was made on stage before hordes of followers and fans. Since Ron was not able to walk on his own volition, he was lowered by ropes from above onto the podium swathed with an American flag loincloth.

"Vote me. I gotta pee." With those words, Ron crawled off the stage to take a nap in anticipation of the long campaign ahead. Certainly, this was a day to be remembered. And there was much rejoicing.

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