May 21, 2000

The Sticky Kilt Issue

tubers Scottsdale, AZ: May 19-21, 2000

Although Scottsdale calls itself "The West's Most Western Town," the city sure is prettier than the gritty West of a John Wayne movie. People have lived in the desert city for centuries. From 800-1400 A.D., Hohokam and Ronwelshen Indians farmed the area, using over 200 miles of sophisticated canals to irrigate the land. It was settled by Europeans at the turn of the 20th century and now has a population of 174,000.

And there's plenty of fun things to do in the area: ski areas are to the north; the Sonoran desert is just south; legal brothels are to the west; and the Mexican beach towns on the Gulf of California are only a three-hour's drive away. Yes, Scottsdale is "The Mother of it All"...including the now infamous "Sticky Kilt Affair".

What would a modern political campaign be without scandal? Many politicians would try to dodge the issue, if involved in such a scandal -- but Ron is not like other politicians. Ron has responded directly to his attackers on this affair. "This is a matter of public record," he has stated repeatedly.

It all began at the Scotts-Tuber Fest in May 2000. Fresh off his nomination from the Ronatarian Party, Ron made a stop in Arizona to campaign at the folksy event. Scotts-Tuber Fest is a celebration of life, tubers, and exotic aphrodisiacs. While it is tradition to don bloomers while at Scotts-Tuber Fest, Ron felt out of place and opted instead for a traditional Scottish kilt. He had no idea this decision would come back to haunt him.

Along with kissing babies, abusing inhalants, and cleaning cotton candy out of his mustache, Ron was expected to partake in the central event of Scotts-Tuber Fest: the "Tuber Toss". The Tuber Toss involves hurling an artificial tuber (of uniform weight) like a shot-put. The trick is that you must toss the tuber while balancing on a 2-inch wide beam spanning a vat of molasses. The "winner", or King of Scotts-Tuber Fest, is the participant who tosses his tuber the farthest. Ron thought the task dangerous, but obliged to participate.

According to the locals, the traditional bloomers aid in balancing on the beam while tossing the tuber. Big Jack Hoff, a Scottsdale resident for 57 years, said, "The bloomers help reduce your rotational drag coefficient...and feel real nice." Ron was slated to throw last and studied the experienced tuber-tossers intently. No one seemed phased by throwing off the narrow beam over the molasses. In their bloomers, why should they have been? For they knew what Ron did not...

Finally, it was Ron's turn to toss his tuber. He mounted the beam, settled himself, and began to spin, holding his tuber like a shot-put. Well, his kilt began to rise and, in the Scottish fashion, revealed to all in the crowd Ron's genitals. The laughter and shrieks of agony seemed to throw Ron off balance. He released his tuber pathetically and splashed into the molasses. Luckily, he landed on his feet and molasses only splashed up on his legs and under his kilt. Or so he thought he was lucky...

While the townsfolk all had a good chuckle at Ron's misfortune, the newly crowned King of Scotts-Tuber Fest, a Mr. Chase Cox, informed Ron of the "Molasses Penalty". He explained to Ron that it is a traditional punishment, held onto from the days of the Old West. He added that no one had ever not worn bloomers after falling into the molasses and so the punishment may be a bit "aggravating". Ron wondered aloud what the punishment could be. His sticky kilt was becoming uncomfortable to wear with all of the molasses on and in it.

His questions were answered soon enough when a prize-winning sheep from the 4-H booth was led before Ron. "Sorry, son," said Cox, "This is tradition. We always let the winning sheep lick the molasses off of the fallen tuber-tossers. I guess that's another reason why we all wear bloomers." With that explanation, Ron's face dropped, as well as his spirits. Donald the sheep proceeded to "clean" Ron of the molasses while media recorders broadcast the ignominy to the world...never explaining why a sheep was licking Ron's naked legs and crotch.

The images were quickly used by shock-TV shows and Ron's opponents. Ron has tried to explain the fiasco, but no one seems to want to listen. "Sheep-Gate" was rejected in favor of the now recognizable "Sticky Kilt Affair".

While it was certainly a setback, Ron does not apologize for taking place in an event like Scotts-Tuber Fest. He asks the American public to put the event behind them and consider Ron anyway.

-- by M. Logothetis

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