June 13, 2000

A Horse Is A Horse, Of Course

Louisville, Kentucky: June 13, 2000

In the shadow of one of the grandest sites in the world of sport, Ron made a plea for the malnourished people of America. With the majestic spires of Churchill Downs, site of the Kentucky Derby, behind him, Ron delivered a speech to the people and for the people.

"When in the course of dining," he began, "and there is not enough meat to be served, what are the poor to do? Go hungry?"

"Once the fun here at the racetrack ends, and the cost of care and feeding for aging horses begins to mount, these equines should be sent to the slaughterhouse, and eventually to someone's dinner table."

Horses auctioned in Kentucky, Maryland, and California are often trucked to Texas slaughterhouses, and eventually end up in European and Asian meat markets and restaurants. "But why not on American dinner plates!?!" voiced Ron over the hushed crowd.

In November, a state ballot measure will determine whether horse meat should be banned from sale for human consumption. If passed, the "Save the Horses" initiative would also keep American restaurants from putting horse meat on the menu. Ron opposes this initiative and proposes utilizing the slaughtered meat to feed hungry Americans through his "A Gift Horse in the Mouth" program.

"They're trying to tell the general public what they can and cannot eat," stated Ron. "I wouldn't want someone to tell me I couldn't eat broccoli, or cauliflower, or lettuce."

"It is eaten in other countries just as dogs and cats are eaten in other countries," continued Ron. "While I am vehemently opposed to Americans eating dog or cat, for some reason, horse just seems full of nutritional goodness. There is a market for it in our poverty-laden society...let's fill that demand. Let's help where help is needed -- on the dinner table."

There has been not much opposition to the ballot initiative. Ron wants to reverse that trend. "Try to think of horses the way you think of cows -- as steaks or hamburgers," Ron pleaded to the crowd. "By voting against this ballot proposal and supporting 'A Gift Horse in the Mouth', you can help feed America. Please, do what you can to back us in this endeavor," Ron concluded.

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June 05, 2000

This Ain't No Jambalaya!

New Orleans, Louisiana: June 5, 2000

Down in the "Big Easy", Ron found breathing the smog-filled air extremely difficult. He fought for air as noisy polluters spewed black smoke into the air and barges dumped industrial waste into the mighty Mississippi River.

"Something has got to be done about this," Ron declared at a large gathering in the historic French Quarter. "I am gagging...to the max!"

While presidential candidate George W. Bush vowed (in May) that he would "pave the streets of New Orleans in gold", Ron decided to best his rival. "I'm going to pave them in titanium!" If Ron gets his way, New Orleans' streets could actually be paved with the rare metal titanium. If tests on a new kind of pollution-absorbing paving stone go according to plan, the sidewalks of this bayou city would literally be paved in titanium.

Cajun Michael Paolino, head of the Transportation and Highways Committee for the Parish of Orleans, told a Gannett News source that the specially treated slabs would break down and absorb nitrogen oxide which comes from passing traffic.

"It's a titanium-coated paving stone which reacts with oxides of nitrogen and absorbs them and converts them into harmless nitrogen and oxygen and therefore reduces one of the major urban polluters," he said. "Man, it's hot out here. Hoo-eee...gotta loosen my collar, here."

Ron would spearhead this environmental initiative and personally track its progress from Washington. The plan could prove popular with creole motorists who are furious about high fuel taxes -- aimed partly at reducing energy consumption to bring down pollution levels. Plus, the air would be cleaner for the pedestrian and street vagrant.

Ron added that the new paving stones are also easier to clean than the current cement and brick surfaces used in New Orleans. "When vomit and bodily fluids get stuck in the cracks, it ain't pretty," he remarked to the crowd. "With these new titanium-based tiles, you just wash and go."

Ron wants to start the initiative as soon as possible. "We're going to try this probably next Spring and we're currently in negotiations with Phat Slabs," the Vermont-based company involved in developing the new paving stones, Paolino said.

Ron waved to the crowd, showed his breasts for a string of beads, and climbed back on board his tour bus, determined to change more of America for the better.

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