This Ain't No Jambalaya!

New Orleans, Louisiana: June 5, 2000

Down in the "Big Easy", Ron found breathing the smog-filled air extremely difficult. He fought for air as noisy polluters spewed black smoke into the air and barges dumped industrial waste into the mighty Mississippi River.

"Something has got to be done about this," Ron declared at a large gathering in the historic French Quarter. "I am gagging...to the max!"

While presidential candidate George W. Bush vowed (in May) that he would "pave the streets of New Orleans in gold", Ron decided to best his rival. "I'm going to pave them in titanium!" If Ron gets his way, New Orleans' streets could actually be paved with the rare metal titanium. If tests on a new kind of pollution-absorbing paving stone go according to plan, the sidewalks of this bayou city would literally be paved in titanium.

Cajun Michael Paolino, head of the Transportation and Highways Committee for the Parish of Orleans, told a Gannett News source that the specially treated slabs would break down and absorb nitrogen oxide which comes from passing traffic.

"It's a titanium-coated paving stone which reacts with oxides of nitrogen and absorbs them and converts them into harmless nitrogen and oxygen and therefore reduces one of the major urban polluters," he said. "Man, it's hot out here. Hoo-eee...gotta loosen my collar, here."

Ron would spearhead this environmental initiative and personally track its progress from Washington. The plan could prove popular with creole motorists who are furious about high fuel taxes -- aimed partly at reducing energy consumption to bring down pollution levels. Plus, the air would be cleaner for the pedestrian and street vagrant.

Ron added that the new paving stones are also easier to clean than the current cement and brick surfaces used in New Orleans. "When vomit and bodily fluids get stuck in the cracks, it ain't pretty," he remarked to the crowd. "With these new titanium-based tiles, you just wash and go."

Ron wants to start the initiative as soon as possible. "We're going to try this probably next Spring and we're currently in negotiations with Phat Slabs," the Vermont-based company involved in developing the new paving stones, Paolino said.

Ron waved to the crowd, showed his breasts for a string of beads, and climbed back on board his tour bus, determined to change more of America for the better.

Posted by Webmaster at June 5, 2000 06:49 PM

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