June 30, 2008

Up Against The Glass

New York, New York, June 30, 2008:

New York City police say a New Jersey man is recovering after a "mooning" that went horribly wrong.

A police statement says the man and two others had run down a street in Manhattan with their pants pulled down in the back "for a joke."

It says that at one point the man -- identified as Ronatarian Party leader Ron -- "pushed his behind against the window of a restaurant" that broke and resulted in "deep wounds to his derriere."

The statement released this morning says police detained the three men after the incident early Sunday morning. But the cafe owner decided not to press charges after the mooners agreed to pay for the broken window.

Ron was treated for his injuries at a nearby hospital. His conspirators were neither injured nor identified.

Posted by Bittle at 08:02 AM

June 27, 2008

Crossing Ron

Jersey City, New Jersey, June 27, 2008:

Jersey City police arrested a 59-year-old man accused of firing a crossbow at his neighbor. Officer Kate Flood said the man got into an argument with his politician neighbor Ron about the sexual orientation of Ron's running mate Brad Thursday evening. Ron said Brad is straight, but armed neighbor said he is "a faggot if I ever seen one."

After the argument, police say the angered man went into his apartment and returned with a black crossbow.

Officiers said the man shot the crossbow when Ron tried to extend his hand to apologize.

Police were called, and the man was arrested on suspicion of making terrostic threats and other violations.

Ron and Brad refused to comment on the incident or on Brad's hazy sexual orientation.

Posted by Bittle at 05:15 AM

June 25, 2008

Unsound Sleep

Jersey City, New Jersey, June 25, 2008:

A Jersey City man says he feels violated after two police officers woke him up at 3 a.m. to tell him his door was unlocked.

Their surprise visit was part of a public service campaign to remind residents to secure their homes to prevent thefts. Usually, officers just leave notices on doors.

But they went further in Ron's case on Tuesday. Police entered the house where several campaign staffers were having a sleepover, and then went upstairs to Ron's bedroom.

The officers told Ron his garage door was open, the TV was on, the keys to his Camaro were left in the ignition, his keg was still tapped, and the door to his house was ajar.

A police spokesman says the intrusion was justified because the officers' initial door knocks went unanswered, and they wanted to make sure nothing was wrong.

He says the staffers inside were afraid to wake Ron, so the officers went upstairs. Ron's temper is legendary.

"If this isn't an unlawful intrusion, I don't know what is," said a visually upset Ron. "I mean, what the f*ck?!?"

Posted by Bittle at 09:11 AM

June 24, 2008

Poem

Two hours of Internet porn and online sex left
me screaming with orgasm after orgasm -- until
that bitch librarian told me to keep it down.

(Jill Gallagher) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:16 AM

June 19, 2008

Poem

There once was a nerd name of Ron
Who by his friend Eddie was drawn.
If he looks like his sketch
He's a horrible wretch!
And most likely better off gone.

Posted by Booger at 12:33 AM

June 18, 2008

McCain Smear Tactics

Senator John McCain, the presumptive Republican presidential candidate, has decided to use smear tactics to discredit and undermine Ron's presidential campaign. This is after McCain called for "a respectful campaign focused on the issues and values that are important to the American people" back in March.

For shame, Senator. This is an election about issues that mean the most to the American people. Ron has promised change. Ron has promised reform. Ron has hinted at giving most females living in this country -- both legally and illegally -- mustache rides. Why did you have to go down this duplicitous road? Beware of reprisals...Ron is famous for fighting back!

Posted by Bittle at 07:53 AM

June 16, 2008

Better Left Unsaid

Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, June 16, 2008:

Rescue crews had to cut apart a portable toilet to rescue a man who got stuck naked inside the potty. Authorities say the man -- identified as Ronatarian Party vice-presidential candidate Brad -- used his cell phone to call 911 on Sunday from inside a portable toilet.

Police say Brad had been drinking and had taken off his clothes. Somehow, he immersed himself in the holding tank.

Deputy fire commissioner Chris Miller told WDEL radio, "I've been on the job in one form or fashion for 21 years, and this is the first port-a-potty rescue I've ever had."

Police dropped both charges of public drunkenness and creating a health code violation against Brad, but they still have no idea why he was in the toilet with his clothes off. They said he didn't suffer any serious injuries.

Brad refused to comment on the incident.

Posted by Bittle at 08:41 AM

June 12, 2008

Poem

Men always think that women's locker rooms
are filled with hot, naked women oiling each
other up, having sex in the hot tub and getting
into pillow fights. That's a ridiculous notion!
Why would there be pillows in a locker room?

(Jill Gallagher) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 10:06 AM

June 09, 2008

The Colbert Report: Mustache Rides

During the June 9 episode of The Colbert Report (Comedy Central), host Stephen Colbert listed t-shirts as being the #3 threat during his "Threat Down" segment. In particular, Colbert showed the above graphic of detained alleged 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed saying: "Novelty t-shirts are in league with terrorists."

While the Ronatarian Party does not support terrorism by any means, we believe in the sanctity of an old-fashioned mustache ride given by anyone who believes in the power of free will. Ron urges all of his supporters who enjoy a good mustache ride -- or novelty t-shirt -- to continue that indulgence. Ron's will be done!

Posted by Bittle at 11:52 PM

June 06, 2008

Hand-Jive

Trenton, New Jersey, June 6, 2008:

Ronatarian Party presidential ticket Ron and Brad deserved congratulations after attempting to set a new world record, but they probably didn't want any handshakes.

That's because the pair shook hands with one another Thursday for 9 1/2 hours, trying to beat a handshaking record of about nine hours set by two Germans.

The Guinness Book of World Records still must confirm the feat, one that Ron and Brad felt pretty confident they had achieved.

"I looked up what some of the weakest records were," Brad said. "I'm not going to break the 100-meter dash record, but I thought I could break this record."

The rules from Guinness appeared easy enough: Handshakers are not required to look each other in the eye or exchange pleasantries; they simply must grip palms and continuously move their hands up and down.

The historic day began at 2:07 p.m. outside the New Jersey State House, where the duo endured the discomfort of sweaty palms, arm cramps and, of course, bathroom breaks. By dusk, the two decided to continue their quest for greatness at a hotel bar, where they found warmth, comfortable seats, and alcoholic beverages.

The effort culminated at 11:38 p.m. with a bottle of bubbly -- and some much-needed space.

"It's not that fun, believe me," Ron said. "I'm a little tired. My shoulder is tired. In fact, it [expletive] hurts, man."

Posted by Bittle at 08:49 AM

June 01, 2008

Poem

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
Frame a man for murder and the state
will feed him every day for 25-to-life.

(Bob Van Voris) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 04:56 PM