July 30, 2008

More Mustache in the Media

Is there any doubt the media wants the next president to have a mustache? Look at this shameless plug from The Colbert Report (Comedy Central) aired Tuesday July 29. Host Stephen Colbert's urging for Sen. John McCain to grow a mustache begins about two minutes into the clip.

Of course, we here at Ron4President.com have supported a candidate with hair on his upper lip since 2000. We're obviously ahead of the curve on this issue.

Ron is the candidate who will, as president, lead this country to bigger and better things. He will restore dignity to the White House. He will promote social justice. He will help to end suffering. He will do keg stands in the Oval Office. He will do all of these things and more while sporting a glorious mustache.

"Mustache equals success." -- Stephen Colbert (July 29, 2008)

Posted by Bittle at 08:05 AM

July 29, 2008

Third Party Peacock

Clarks Summit, Pennsylvania, July 29, 2008:

Picking up hitchhikers can be risky, but this one in northeast Pennsylvania was a bird of a different feather. Ronatarian Party higher-ups Ron and Brad were driving along Route 307 near Clarks Summit on Monday when they spotted a peacock standing by the edge of the road.

Ron said he stopped and "went 'smooch, smooch, smooch' and 'spruill, spruill, spruill'...and the bird came over," so he "reached out and grabbed him."

With no room in the back of his Camaro, Ron put the peacock in the front seat. He said, "The bird was sitting in between the two of us. He just sat there."

Ron took the bird to his home in Jersey City, New Jersey and is trying to find it a safe place to live. So far, he's had no luck with the Game Commission, animal control, the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, or the local zoo.

He says if he can't find the bird a home by the weekend, "We'll be having grilled peacock for dinner on Sunday."

Posted by Bittle at 11:49 PM

July 27, 2008

Poem

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right,
here I am: stuck in the cafeteria line at the
Academy of Comedic Performing Arts with you.

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 06:31 PM

July 25, 2008

Poem

Mom always said, "I hate you! Your father
wouldn't have left if it weren't for you!
You were an accident!" I used to cry,
but deep down I know that if it weren't
for Mom's tough love, I never would've
gotten the courage to shoot that fifth
cop and make it all the way to Panama.

(Jacqui Kennelly) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:26 AM

July 22, 2008

Fire! Fire!

Jersey City, New Jersey, July 22, 2008:

Firefighters called to a blaze at an apartment building in a northern New Jersey town were astonished to discover a fully equipped extremely drunk imposter in their ranks, police said on Monday.

On hearing the alarm, Ronatarian Party leader Ron had rushed to the fire station, was helped into protective clothing and helmet by unsuspecting firefighters and boarded the fire engine, a spokesman for the Jersey City Police Department said.

After arriving at the apartments, firefighters quickly realized the man was an imposter and called the police, he added. A big tip-off was Ron trying to put out the fire by urinating on it.

"When fire breaks out, it's all hands on deck!" Ron told officers when questioned about his motives. He was released without charge after sobering up overnight in the drunk tank.

Posted by Bittle at 08:01 AM

July 18, 2008

It's Raining Men

Fort Riley, Kansas, July 18, 2008:

A parachutist went off course Thursday at the start of a military review and dropped feet-first into the 1st Infantry Division's band, injuring three players.

Several thousand people watched as the man under the red, white, and blue parachute landed on the 30-member band, about 50 yards off target. A gasp went up from the crowd, followed by silence as at least a dozen people rushed over to help.

"I hear, 'Oh, expletive,' and immediately, I hear a crash,'" said the band's commander, Chief Warrant Officer Scott MacDonald.

The three injured band members were treated and released from Irwin Army Community Hospital. The parachutist, Ronatarian Party leader Ron, refused treatment at the scene.

Ron asked to parachute into the ceremony to promote his floundering New Jersey-based presidential campaign.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," said a visibly shaken Ron. "Those cocktails beforehand really calmed my nerves before the jump... I guess I underestimated the skill needed to successfully pull off this stunt. [Expletive]"

"We know that they're going to be all right," said Gen. Charles Campbell, head of the Army's Forces Command, during opening remarks.

Two tubas were destroyed, said Mike Keating, assistant chief of the post's Fire Department. MacDonald said a trumpet was also damaged.

MacDonald said band members had been standing, waiting for the start of the ceremony and weren't looking up. He said they didn't hear anything except a brief rustling of the jumper's parachute.

Ron hit the back row, landing feet first, MacDonald said.

Band member Sgt. Rachel Boggs was knocked unconscious and had a fractured jaw, hospital spokeswoman Lisa Medrano said. Sgt. Andrew Spinazzolla suffered minor neck and head injuries and had a fractured ankle, Medrano said. Staff Sgt. Mark Lucero sustained what Medrano called a minor leg injury.

Two parachutists -- Ron and running-mate Brad -- jumped from a single-engine plane at about 6,000 feet. Keating said Ron's parachute lines apparently became tangled, pulling him off course.

MacDonald said he wondered briefly whether he had enough members left to perform.

"We did soldier on," he said. The band played the division's and the Army's fight songs, then sounded a trumpet cavalry charge.

"We didn't play Brad's request for 'It's Raining Men,'" MacDonald concluded. "It didn't seem appropriate after what happened."

Posted by Bittle at 08:10 AM

July 14, 2008

Poem

The Function!

I woke up this morning with a pain in my head
I looked in the mirror
I wasn't yet dead
My scary reflection said I was unwell
Was I drunk or sick
I really couldn't tell
Last night's function wasn't all that grand
But I woke up with a sharp pain
In my right hand
I didn't really drink that much although I did fall down
But I wasn't drunk honestly
Just acting the clown
I seem to remember a goldfish in a bowl
And I think I drank the water
And swallowed goldie whole
It's not all that disgusting a bit like Sushi in a drink
And I'm telling you for nothing
I don't care what people think
The lipstick on my collar could suggest a little romp
But my blue and black left eye
Suggests I may have copped a thump
Oh yes now I remember that gorgeous young brunette
And her boyfriend the boxer
And his shiny red Corvette
I think I sung a song or two for all the special guests
But from what I can remember
Not a single soul impressed
Then again the Sex Pistols are not for everyone
By the time I'd finished singing
The old Minister had gone
Now I know I should remember what this party was about
And I'm feeling rather guilty
Of this there is no doubt
It is known to all and sundry that I like to do my thing
Oh god now I remember
Yesterday was ......My Wedding.

- Amin Sane (@ funnypoets.com)

Posted by Bittle at 08:56 AM

July 10, 2008

Poem

Good rule of thumb for gauging the success
of a bachelor party: If the wedding is still
on afterwards, it could have been better.

(Scott E. Frank) @ruminate.com

mgvxj

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 11:51 PM

July 09, 2008

Loose Slots

Atlantic City, New Jersey, July 9, 2008:

A Jersey City man who was playing slot machines at the Trump Taj Mahal casino claims he sat in a chair soaked with urine left by a gambler who had just exited the seat.

Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron recently filed a complaint with the New Jersey Casino Control Commission, saying the person who had been playing the slot machine moments earlier had urinated in the chair at the seaside casino.

"My whole concern is that they fix this," he told The New Jersey Spew. "It's not apparent that they have anything in place to deal with this kind of situation. Plus, it's [expletive] gross, man."

Ron said that after his pants got soaked by the chair July 5 he was given no help in finding a place to clean up and had to walk to his car to change into an old pair of sweat pants.

Trump Taj Mahal spokeswoman Tracy Haas acknowledged the incident and said the casino regretted what happened. She said they "dropped the ball" because broken or soiled chairs are supposed to be immediately removed from the gaming floor.

Gretchen Koback, who reviews patron complaints for the New Jersey Casino Commission, said she believed similar issues had "come up a time or two" at New Jersey's many casinos but that she could not specifically recall one. Complaints are kept on file for one year.

Gamblers who become addicted can enter a trancelike state where even basic hygiene habits are ignored, said Bethanie Coltin, executive director of the Nevada Council on Problem Gambling.

Their reasoning is so impaired by the addiction that they may go for hours and days without eating or showering, she said.

Gamblers have told counselors that they wore adult diapers or relieved themselves to keep from losing their seat at a slot machine where they expected the machine to pay off, Coltin said.

Posted by Bittle at 08:35 AM

July 07, 2008

Poem

I am the quintessential stay-at-home dad.
Mostly because of my electronic ankle monitor.

(Wayne Lloyd) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:43 AM

July 03, 2008

Poem

My parents always said I'd end up
unemployed and living in their basement.
Well, I guess I showed them! By the way,
thanks for the cookies and milk, Aunt Mary!

(Mystic7) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 08:50 AM

July 02, 2008

Crosstown Traffic

Elizabeth, New Jersey, July 2, 2008:

An Awosting man whose SUV was cut off in traffic was arrested after he allegedly shot at a motorist with a crossbow following a brief chase.

"It was a drive-by crossbow shooting," stated Ron, a presidential candidate for the Ronatarian Party who said he was the man's intended target. "I wish I could say I've never been shot at by a crossbow before..." (See Crossing Ron)

Warren Alan Dierks Jr., 26, posted bail after his arrest Tuesday on charges of committing a terroristic act, possession of an instrument of crime, driving while intoxicated, and driving on a suspended driver's license. Committing a terroristic act is a felony; the other charges are misdemeanors. An arraignment was set for July 25.

Ron acknowledged cutting in front of Dierks on the New Jersey Turnpike.

"I was merging on the highway and I had to get in, so I cut the guy off," Ron said. "He started following me, cursing at me and yelling for me to pull over."

A police report said Ron admitted to police that he made an obscene gesture toward Dierks, but he said Tuesday he didn't remember doing so.

Archery-crossbow hunting seasons for deer begins September 29 so it's extraordinary that someone might be carrying a crossbow in their vehicle this time of year.

The pursuit continued for several miles over the turnpike and a city street. As the cars approached an intersection, "all of the sudden, he comes up next to me and shoots a crossbow at my car," Ron said. "It ricocheted off the back window, which shattered. That's my baby, man...my Camaro."

Ron called 911 and followed Dierks until the police arrived.

"I circled around and got behind him, but he pulled into a parking lot and aimed the crossbow at me again," Ron said.

After Dierks' arrest, officers found a crossbow with a scope, four crossbow bolts and a cooler containing 11 unopened beers and one opened can. Dierks registered 0.12 on a blood-alcohol test. The legal threshold is 0.08.

Ron said it will cost $400 to replace his rear window.

Posted by Bittle at 06:58 AM