August 29, 2008

Poem

A woman I met at this country & western bar said
she wanted to take me home and ride me like a cowgirl
on a bucking bronco. She wasn't very good, though; I was
able to throw her off every time in less than 10 seconds.

(Wiley) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:40 AM

August 27, 2008

Raging Stoners

Denver, Colorado, August 27, 2008:

A group of suspected drug users arrested in Denver this weekend with methamphetamine, guns, and bulletproof vests made anti-mustache threats against Ron, but posed no true danger to the longshot presidential candidate, federal authorities said Tuesday.

That's because Ron has been in his home state of New Jersey all week.

The three men -- all said to be high on methamphetamine when arrested -- are the subject of an assassination investigation, but so far, authorities say, it appears they had no capacity to carry out any attack.

"The law recognizes a difference between a true threat -- one that can be carried out -- and the reported rantings of a drug addict," U.S. Attorney Troy Eid said.

He said the men's plans were "more aspirational, perhaps, than operational."

The would-be assailants said they wanted to "hold Ron down" and "shave that [expletive] mustache off his [expletive] face."

Posted by Bittle at 09:47 AM

August 25, 2008

Bad Sign

Jersey City, New Jersey, August 25, 2008:

A local politician got frustrated with the theft of campaign signs from his front yard so he rigged up an alarm system with string and bells -- and solved his own crime problem.

"He slept the night in his living room fully dressed so he could be ready," police Detective Tony Augurt said Monday.

Ronatarian Party founder Ron was jarred awake early Saturday when bells rang from a string anchored to a sign in his yard.

He recorded the license plate of a man he says took a campaign sign supporting his long-shot run at the presidency.

Police tracked down and cited Steve Bonadio with misdemeanor attempted theft.

"He claimed he didn't have any political motives or have any feelings that give any motive," Augurt told The New Jersey Spew. "He just told the police he'd been involved in a 'strange incident' and didn't know why he did it. Plus, he said he was 'just plain evil.'"

Posted by Bittle at 09:02 AM

August 21, 2008

Poem

Oh, come on. If we only had sex with
people we actually respected, most us
would even have to give up masturbating.

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 02:12 PM

August 20, 2008

Poem

I probably would have enjoyed the massage's
"happy ending" more had all those mall
patrons not started hovering around my chair.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 09:44 PM

August 19, 2008

Circular Logic

Trenton, New Jersey, August 19, 2008:

You've heard of e-mail spam -- now a New Jersey politician wants to do something about menu spam, the unwanted menus and circulars that have a way of appearing on city doorsteps and under doors.

Despite not holding an elected office, Ronatarian Party leader Ron is pushing legislation that would make it illegal to distribute menus, circulars, and fliers to homes and apartment buildings that display a sign indicating promotional materials are unwanted. As yet, no sitting state legislator has offered to champion the proposal.

Ron's bill calls for a fine of at least $50 for distributors that leave them anyway.

"This drives people out of their minds," said Ron, an almost cult figure to his small band of devoted followers. "You have no control over it. People are pissed off, man. If I'm responsible for the cleanliness of my property I should also have the authority to decide whether I receive the junk or not. You shouldn't have to be responsible for cleaning up someone else's garbage."

Ron said the accumulation forces property owners to clean it up or risk getting a summons from the Department of Sanitation, such as the $100 ticket his mother received this year.

"'The Man' came down on my mom...my [expletive] mom!" Ron exclaimed. "That ain't right and I'm gonna fix it...for my mom."

Posted by Bittle at 08:30 AM

August 17, 2008

Poem

I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
But then he got better and sued me. During
the trial, we gained a grudging respect for
one another and, eventually, became close friends.
Until I bludgeoned him to death. In Lake Tahoe.

(Bob Van Voris) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 11:57 PM

August 15, 2008

Stiff as Cardboard

Newark, New Jersey, August 15, 2008:

Secret Service agents have questioned a Jersey City man about a display in his front yard featuring a cardboard cutout of President Bush with a knife through his head.

Ronatarian Party leader Ron said he was grilled for about 90 minutes by two agents who asked about his personal history and his political views. They also asked him to allow access to his barber and medical records, he said.

The cutout also shows painted blood running over the president's eyes and down the bridge of his nose.

Ron said the federal agents asked if he interpreted his work as a threat against the country's chief executive. He said he didn't.

"They said, 'You've got a knife sitting in the head of the president of the United States,'" Ron told The New Jersey Spew. "I said, 'No, I got a knife in a piece of cardboard.'"

Ron said he has been placing art in his front yard for several years. He rotates the pieces monthly.

The Bush piece remains in place. He painted over the president's likeness in yellow and penciled in a swastika on the chest. The knife still pierces the forehead, running through a recently added sign that says, "Anonymous."

Posted by Bittle at 02:18 PM

August 13, 2008

Cleveland Rocks

Cleveland, Ohio, August 13, 2008:

A Cleveland clothing store wants to make sure its customers are comfortable, so it has opened a bar in the middle of its sales floor. M. Lang Executive Attire owner Mike Lang said he hopes the cash bar will not only help put shoppers in a relaxed mood to buy clothing but also will encourage people to hang out at the shop with their friends.

The unique idea resonated with New Jersey politician Ron, who is a 2008 presidential candidate.

"This is what I'm talkin' about," said a visibly joyous Ron. "These are the ideas that -- when spread throughout the land -- will make America great once again. Bars in stores, churches, wherever...that's something I can get behind. That's something the entire nation can get behind."

Lang said when he approached the Ohio Department of Liquor Control, he was told they'd never had anyone request a liquor license for a clothing store. For now, he and his only sales person do double duty, as the bartenders.

After 20 years of catering to men, the store also added women's apparel recently, along with the bar.

"I've got my travel people on it now," said Ron. "I'm heading to Cleveland to do some 'shopping' as soon as possible."

Posted by Bittle at 04:35 PM

August 11, 2008

Poem

Remember: Today is the first day of the rest
of what you're optimistically calling a life.

(Jerry L. Embry) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:34 AM

August 07, 2008

Cliff-ball

Big Sur, California, August 7, 2008:

A politician is nursing only cuts and bruises after sliding 250 feet down a cliff on California's coast.

Presidential candidate Ron of Jersey City, New Jersey, had been tossing a football with friends Wednesday at a traffic pullout perched 400 feet above the Pacific. After a stray toss, he climbed over the edge to retrieve the football.

Monterey County Sheriff's Sgt. Garrett Sanders says Ron "just started sliding." A sheriff's team rappelled down, strapped Ron to a harness and helped him scale the cliff.

Ben was treated for a gash to his face and other cuts. Luckily, his trademark mustache remained unharmed. He wasn't able to recover the football, but Sanders noted: "He's lucky he's alive."

Ron would not comment on the incident, only saying he hoped the people of California would support his candidacy...and buy him a new football.

Posted by Bittle at 01:28 PM

August 05, 2008

Michael Phelps

Olympic swimming champion Michael Phelps arrived in in China for the Beijing Summer Games in support of Ron.

Posted by Bittle at 01:01 PM

August 03, 2008

Bottle & Cork and Mustaches for Ron

Dewey Beach, Delaware, August 3, 2008:

Sometimes, we here at Ron4President.com wonder how our efforts to elect Ron president of the United States of America are connecting with the voting populace in this country. Is Ron's message getting through? Are people embracing Ron's campaign?

I took a weekend off from my Ron4President.com duties and traveled to the beach for some R&R. What I found rekindled my spirit and gave me new energy to put into Ron's campaign.

I discovered people from all walks of life and all points on the map supporting Ron. "How?" you may ask. By boozing and wearing mustaches...that's how. It brought a tear to my eye to witness natives of Arkansas, Delaware, and other key states sporting mustaches in support of Ron's candidacy. Men and women alike had hair on their upper lips and alcoholic drinks in their hands. It was a beautiful thing.

I attached some pictures of what I experienced. I hope they invigorate you to further spread the good word of Ron and support our cause to elect him as our next president in November.

- Bittle

Posted by Bittle at 09:27 PM