September 30, 2008

Dial 'R' for Ron

Dial 'R' for Ron

Jersey City, New Jersey, September 30, 2008:

The candidate could chalk it up to tireless campaigning, but it may not win him any votes. Some 3,200 voters, including candidate Ron himself, were startled to get recorded campaign calls Monday from the presidential hopeful -- at 2 a.m.

"First of all, I hate those recorded messages," said one recipient, Eileen Curinga of Hoboken. "But secondly, I didn't know whether this was sabotage or just stupidity. Either way, it's not right that somebody calls at 2 o'clock in the morning."

Ron, the founder and leader of the radical Ronatarian Party, said the college fraternity hired to dispatch the calls accidentally programmed them for 2 a.m., instead of 2 p.m.

Community leaders called on Ron to apologize to all the recipients -- "at a reasonable hour." He initially said he would apologize personally to each of the more than 150 people who complained to him, but then recanted.

"Nah, that's too much [expletive] work," he concluded.

The calls were aimed at Republicans, Democrats, Independence Party members, and unaffiliated voters in Bayonne, Hoboken, and Jersey City. The recorded message assailed Republican candidate John McCain for his age and Democratic candidate Barack Obama for being so tall. It also decried the obvious lack of facial hair on both candidates.

Posted by Bittle at 08:57 AM

September 25, 2008

Paper Chase

Paper Chase

Neenah, Wisconsin, September 25, 2008:

If two-ply toilet paper is good, then three-ply tissue must be better. At least that's what toilet-paper researchers in northeastern Wisconsin hope.

Yes, there is such a thing as a toilet-paper researcher. And a team of them at Georgia Pacific's Innovation Institute in Neenah has come up with a three-ply version of its Quilted Northern product.

The new product will be launched Monday. The company touts the toilet tissue as "ultra-soft" and says it plans to market the product to women 45 and older who view their bathroom as a "sanctuary for quality time."

Industry analyst Bill Schmitz is skeptical. He said extra layers make toilet paper stronger, not softer, although he said Georgia Pacific may have added extra fibers for softness.

Politician Ron appreciated the technological advance, but attacked the focus of the toilet paper research. Ron believes that the federal government should "subsidize research in the lavatory arts" but should "not discriminate on the basis of age, race, color, creed, sexual orientation, or gender."

"The fact that this significant toilet tissue advance is geared towards older females is an abomination!" Ron exclaimed. "Three plies should be for every man, woman, and child."

Georgia Pacific refused to comment on both Schmitz's and Ron's critical remarks.

Posted by Bittle at 02:22 PM

September 22, 2008

Train Rash

Train Rash

Fargo, North Dakota, September 22, 2008:

Police say a man who wanted his picture taken next to a moving train suffered "train rash" but no serious injuries when he got too close to the train.

Police Sgt. Jeff Skuza said the mustached man and two friends were in Fargo for a conference. He said they went around the security gates at a train crossing so he could have his picture taken.

Police records indicate that the man is none other than Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron.

Skuza said Ron thought the picture would be better if he got closer to the train. But he stumbled and the train caught his back, ripping his shirt and pants. Skuza called it "a bad case of train rash." He also said alcohol was a factor.

Skuza said Ron was treated and released from an area hospital.

Posted by Bittle at 08:26 AM

September 21, 2008

Mustaches for Kids

Mustaches for Kids

Washington, D.C., September 21, 2008:

Mustaches for Kids, everybody's favorite mustache-related charity, is making it's triumphant return to the nation's capital for its second growing season. "Mustaches for Kids," you ask? Yes. Well, technically money for kids. Sick kids. Money that comes from you growing a mustache. This year, M4K DC will grow mustaches to raise money for the city's Children’s National Medical Center. The D.C. branch joins other M4K outfits across the country, which have raised over $130,000 for children with terminal illnesses since 1999. Last year, thanks to 15 brave mustacheod men and their friends' wallets, M4K DC raised $7,000 for CNMC's Kids Care Fund. This year, they're hoping to double that amount!

After 11 months of conventional shaving habits, M4K DC is hoping to rally upper lips for the District's spirited holiday season of mustache growing and fundraising. The premise is simple: M4K DC realizes that braving the streets with a fledgling mustache can be every bit as physically and emotionally taxing as training for a marathon or any other pledge-sponsored fundraiser. And so M4K DC ask you to do two things: Let your upper-lip hairs grow free for one month; and seek donations from friends, family, and hecklers for doing so. All proceeds will go to the Children's National Medical Center.

While Ron typically does not endorse charities, he is in full support of the Mustaches for Kids program. "If I had only had a mentor in my early days of growing my mustache, I may have aspired to greater things," he released in a statment. Ron feels that positive role models sporting hair on their upper lips can only help children. Plus, someone is actually paying you to grow a mustache. What's better than that??!?

Mustaches for Kids has more information. Please stop shaving your upper lip and promote Ron and the Mustaches for Kids program. You can double your mustache use for Ronstache Day 2008 (October 30).

- Bittle

Posted by Bittle at 03:50 PM

September 17, 2008


Women are from Venus, and men are
from some place where they just want
to get a little of that Venus action.

(Charles Wolfe)


Posted by Ron's Dentist at 09:23 PM

September 16, 2008


The Drunk Poem

Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell are you I think.
I'm not under what you call
The alcofluence of incohol.
I'm just a little slort of sheep,
I'm not drunk like thinkle peep.
I don't know who is me yet,
But the drunker I stand here the longer I get.
So just give me one more fink to drill my cup,
'Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up.

- Anonymous

Posted by Bittle at 09:08 AM

September 14, 2008

Wedding Belles

Wedding Belles

Los Angeles, California, September 14, 2008:

George Takei and his longtime partner, Brad Altman, have agreed to live long and prosper together.

Takei, 71, and Altman, 54, were married Sunday in a multicultural ceremony at the Japanese American National Museum that featured a Buddhist priest, Native American wedding bands, a Japanese Koto harp and a bagpipe procession.

The couple, both clad in white dinner jackets with black pants, made a grand entrance to the tune of "One Singular Sensation" from the Broadway musical "A Chorus Line." They stepped into a circle of yellow roses and lilies, where they shared a traditional Japanese tea ceremony and were wed by a Buddhist priest.

The couple, who have been together for 21 years, wrote their own vows.

Altman said that he had called Takei many things during their two decades together -- "life partner, significant other" -- but that their marriage represented "a dream come true for me."

"I can add 'my husband' to the list of things I call you," he said.

Takei called his longtime partner an "organized, detail-obsessed, punctuality-driven control freak."

"I'm easygoing with details, so we're a good fit," he said in the trademark baritone recognizable to all "Star Trek" and Howard Stern fans.

"I vow to care for you as you've cared for me ... and to love you as my husband and the only man in my life," Takei said as he held Altman's hands.

The priest then pronounced them "spouses for life." A bagpiper played as the newlyweds walked out, followed by friends, family and a few members of the press.

Takei said he and Altman chose to make their wedding public -- and have been outspoken gay-rights advocates for years -- for the sake of democracy.

"We have a relationship that's been stronger and longer-lived than some of our straight friends, and yet we were not equal," Takei told The Associated Press before the ceremony. "What this does is give us that dignity; [it's] being part of the American system and being whole. We're making the American system whole as well, as America is becoming more equal."

Such activism is nothing new for Takei. He participated in the civil rights movement, served as a Democratic delegate in 1972 and fought for redress for those -- like his own family -- who were forced into internment camps after World War II.

"I grew up determined not to be marginalized," he said. "That served as an incentive for me to be proactive."

He and Altman were among the first couples to receive a marriage license in West Hollywood when the state began granting licenses to gay couples on June 17.

"A quarter century ago, when I first met Brad, [marriage] was the farthest thing from our imagination," Takei said. "But what seemed impossible at one time becomes, over the passage of time, more and more 'what if' and 'why not.' We have to participate in moving society along to be a better democracy."

Wedding guests included "Star Trek" stars Walter Koenig and Nichelle Nichols, who served as best man and best lady, Hollywood executives, local and national government officials and the couple's relatives from around the world.

Ronatarian Party vice presidential candidate Brad was not invited to the ceremony. In New Jersey, a visibly upset Brad refused to comment on the snub, but was overheard muttering, "Why wasn't this Brad good enough for him?" he was later seen wiping tears away from his face.

Keeping with the multicultural theme, guests dined on Asian/Baja Californian fusion cuisine and took home Japanese tea-ceremony treats in boxes printed with the phrase: "May sweet equality live long and prosper."

The "Star Trek" star and his manager plan to honeymoon in Argentina and Peru.

Posted by Bittle at 10:49 PM

September 12, 2008


Beer, wine and spirits too
Of all, I like the brew

Covered in foam and cascading with bubbles, it's time to relax, and forget all my troubles

I can go to the Pub,to pick up some ales, then listen to friends as we recount some old tales

I may sit on porch with a porter or stout, and ponder what life is really about

I can lie on the grass, the beach or the dock as I soak up some sun with a lager or bock

There are so many option of things I might do with an ice cold brew!

So come all ye friends both old and new, let's raise our glasses to the miracle of brew!

- by Brian Herlihy

Posted by Bittle at 01:28 PM

September 10, 2008

Sausage Assault

Sausage Assault

Jersey City, New Jersey, September 10, 2008:

Authorities say they've arrested a man who broke into the home of two New Jersey politicians, stole money, rubbed one with spices, and whacked the other with a sausage before fleeing.

Hudson County sheriff's Lt. Randall Simon says 22-year-old Antonio Vasquez was found hiding in a nearby alley wearing only a T-shirt, boxers, and socks after the Tuesday morning attack.

Simon says deputies arrested Vasquez after finding a wallet containing his ID in the ransacked house.

The politicians, who are affiliated with the Ronatarian Party, called police immediately following the attack.

Presidential candidate Ron and Vice Presidential candidate Brad told deputies the suspect woke them Tuesday morning by rubbing spices on Ron and smacking Brad with an 8-inch sausage.

"I'm sure it was a kielbasa," said Brad. "And I know my sausages."

Both Ron and Brad appeared unharmed after the assault. Simon says money and finger paints allegedly stolen were recovered.

Posted by Bittle at 02:47 PM

September 08, 2008

Seeding Space

Seeding Space

New York, New York, September 8, 2008:

Should this world ever cease to exist, Stephen Colbert will live on.

The comedian's DNA will be digitized and sent to the International Space Station, Comedy Central is to announce today. In October, video game designer Richard Garriott will travel to the station and deposit Colbert's genes for an "Immortality Drive."

"I am thrilled to have my DNA shot into space, as this brings me one step closer to my lifelong dream of being the baby at the end of 2001," Colbert said in a statement, referring to the 1968 landmark science fiction film "2001: A Space Odyssey."

An odd reaction to this announcement came from Ronatarian Party headquarters across the Hudson River in New Jersey. In an official statement, the Ronatarians said they are "upset that [Garriott] has continuously refused invitations to take DNA from [presidential candidate] Ron into space." Adding, "Ron has repeatedly sent his DNA samples to astronauts all over the world...hoping that his 'seed' will be implanted among the stars."

The Agenzia Spaziale Italiana, the British National Space Centre, France's Centre National d'Etudes Spatiales, the China National Space Administration, the Canadian Space Agency, Australia's Commonwealth Scientific and Research Organization, Germany's Deutsches Zentrum für Luft- und Raumfahrt, the European Space Agency, the Indian Space Research Organisation, the Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency, the Republic of Korea Aerospace Research Institute, NASA, the National Space Agency of Ukraine, and Russia's Roscosmos have all acknowledged some form of contact with the Ronatarian Party. None would comment for this story.

Garriott, one of few private citizens to travel into space, is collecting material for a time capsule of human DNA, a history of humanity's greatest achievements and personal messages.

The host of "The Colbert Report" will essentially be preserved so that aliens can clone him.

"In the unlikely event that Earth and humanity are destroyed, mankind can be resurrected with Stephen Colbert's DNA," Garriott said in a statement. "Is there a better person for us to turn to for this high-level responsibility?"

"The Ronatarian Party believes there is a better alternative than [Colbert]," the statement concludes. "And his name is Ron. His legacy is as infinite as the heavens."

Posted by Bittle at 09:00 AM

September 04, 2008


Afternoon drinkers
Laugh from the streetside tables
As masses trudge by

(Captain Hops)

Posted by Bittle at 02:34 PM

September 02, 2008

Clearing House

Clearing House

Newark, New Jersey, September 2, 2008:

A volunteer at a Newark home for the elderly called firefighters for help on Monday because the toilets were exploding with steam. The fire department said there was a boiler malfunction at the Presbyterian Reformed Urban Nursing Establishment (PRUNE) that caused a minor explosion.

The blast set off the sprinkler system and flooded the floors of the three-story building.

The Labor Day volunteer who called in the situation -- identified as Ronatarian higher-up Brad -- was initially shocked by the explosions, but gathered his composure and dialed for help.

The Newark Fire Department said no one was hurt, but water damaged electrical systems and the kitchen. So, 72 occupants had to be temporarily moved to five other facilities using ambulances, buses, old Buick Towncars, and vans.

"That [Brad] is a hero," said fire department spokesman Matt White. "He may look a little fruity to me, but he certainly saved the day for those old farts in there."

Posted by Bittle at 02:31 PM