Seeding Space

New York, New York, September 8, 2008:

Should this world ever cease to exist, Stephen Colbert will live on.

The comedian's DNA will be digitized and sent to the International Space Station, Comedy Central is to announce today. In October, video game designer Richard Garriott will travel to the station and deposit Colbert's genes for an "Immortality Drive."

"I am thrilled to have my DNA shot into space, as this brings me one step closer to my lifelong dream of being the baby at the end of 2001," Colbert said in a statement, referring to the 1968 landmark science fiction film "2001: A Space Odyssey."

An odd reaction to this announcement came from Ronatarian Party headquarters across the Hudson River in New Jersey. In an official statement, the Ronatarians said they are "upset that [Garriott] has continuously refused invitations to take DNA from [presidential candidate] Ron into space." Adding, "Ron has repeatedly sent his DNA samples to astronauts all over the world...hoping that his 'seed' will be implanted among the stars."

The Agenzia Spaziale Italiana, the British National Space Centre, France's Centre National d'Etudes Spatiales, the China National Space Administration, the Canadian Space Agency, Australia's Commonwealth Scientific and Research Organization, Germany's Deutsches Zentrum für Luft- und Raumfahrt, the European Space Agency, the Indian Space Research Organisation, the Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency, the Republic of Korea Aerospace Research Institute, NASA, the National Space Agency of Ukraine, and Russia's Roscosmos have all acknowledged some form of contact with the Ronatarian Party. None would comment for this story.

Garriott, one of few private citizens to travel into space, is collecting material for a time capsule of human DNA, a history of humanity's greatest achievements and personal messages.

The host of "The Colbert Report" will essentially be preserved so that aliens can clone him.

"In the unlikely event that Earth and humanity are destroyed, mankind can be resurrected with Stephen Colbert's DNA," Garriott said in a statement. "Is there a better person for us to turn to for this high-level responsibility?"

"The Ronatarian Party believes there is a better alternative than [Colbert]," the statement concludes. "And his name is Ron. His legacy is as infinite as the heavens."

Posted by Bittle at September 8, 2008 09:00 AM