Paper Chase

Neenah, Wisconsin, September 25, 2008:

If two-ply toilet paper is good, then three-ply tissue must be better. At least that's what toilet-paper researchers in northeastern Wisconsin hope.

Yes, there is such a thing as a toilet-paper researcher. And a team of them at Georgia Pacific's Innovation Institute in Neenah has come up with a three-ply version of its Quilted Northern product.

The new product will be launched Monday. The company touts the toilet tissue as "ultra-soft" and says it plans to market the product to women 45 and older who view their bathroom as a "sanctuary for quality time."

Industry analyst Bill Schmitz is skeptical. He said extra layers make toilet paper stronger, not softer, although he said Georgia Pacific may have added extra fibers for softness.

Politician Ron appreciated the technological advance, but attacked the focus of the toilet paper research. Ron believes that the federal government should "subsidize research in the lavatory arts" but should "not discriminate on the basis of age, race, color, creed, sexual orientation, or gender."

"The fact that this significant toilet tissue advance is geared towards older females is an abomination!" Ron exclaimed. "Three plies should be for every man, woman, and child."

Georgia Pacific refused to comment on both Schmitz's and Ron's critical remarks.

Posted by Bittle at September 25, 2008 02:22 PM