Posted by Bittle at 02:34 PM

October 30, 2008

Yosemite Sam

Cartoon legend -- and mustache aficionado -- Yosemite Sam formally endorsed presidential candidate Ron on October 28, 2008. The announcement came on the October 29th broadcast of The Colbert Report (Comedy Central).

Posted by Bittle at 11:51 AM

October 29, 2008

Anger Management

Newark, New Jersey, October 29, 2008:

A man on his way to anger management class became angry and struck a man, authorities said.

Justin John Boudin, 27, pleaded guilty Tuesday to fifth-degree assault in Essex County Court and can expect to face a sentence for time served in jail, at least 120 days, and probation when he is sentenced November 5, the county attorney's office said.

According to a criminal complaint, Boudin was waiting at a bus stop on August 29 when he accosted a man and others.

"Why don't you show me some respect?" he allegedly yelled at the man -- identified as Ronatarian Party vice presidential candidate Brad.

When Brad took out a cell phone to call police, Boudin hit him in the face, according to the complaint. When an elderly man tried to stop Boudin, Boudin hit him with a blue folder -- which fell on the ground -- and fled.

Police tracked him down through the folder, which included Boudin's anger management homework and his name, the complaint said.

Posted by Bittle at 03:33 PM

October 23, 2008

Vacuum Packed

Newark, New Jersey, October 23, 2008:

Police say a New Jersey man has been arrested after "receiving sexual favors from a vacuum" at a car wash.

The New Jersey Spew reports the Jersey City man was approached by police early Thursday in Newark. The paper identified him as Ronatarian Party vice presidential candidate Brad.

Police Sgt. Gary Wallace says a resident called to report suspicious activity at the car wash about 6:15 a.m. An officer approached on foot and caught Brad in the act.

Brad quickly apologized and zipped up. The officer then lectured Brad on the dangers and inappropriateness of his actions. He was released at the scene without charge and told to go home. The officer was also overheard advising Brad to "keep it in [his] pants" and to "get some...help."

Posted by Bittle at 03:17 PM

October 20, 2008

Breaking the Glass Ceiling

New York, New York, October 20, 2008:

An angry wife, girlfriend, or constituent might not be the only thing to worry about when visiting a strip club. A man suing a Manhattan club claims a performer's shoe flew off during a pole dance; shattered the mirrored ceiling; and caused glass and the shoe to hit him.

The lawsuit filed by presidential candidate Ron (Ronatarian Party) says the Booby Trap breached its duty when its employee failed to perform her routine in a reasonably safe manner. The suit seeks at least $15,000 in damages.

Ron's attorney Andrew Sepe says his client suffered a small cut to his eyebrow, headaches, and nose bleeds because of the June 14 pole dance. Booby Trap general manager George Geracimos acknowledges paramedics were called but said injuries were minor.

"I cannot see why my client's celebration of Flag Day should have been marred by this establishment's fundamental lack of safety standards," read a statement released by the law offices of Sepe & Shea LLP. "Justice must be served."

Posted by Bittle at 11:59 PM

October 17, 2008

A Penny Saved...

Newark, New Jersey, October 17, 2008:

Talk about squeezing every penny at the gas pump. Newark police say clerks at a gas station had a run-in with a man who insisted on using $10 worth of pennies to prepay for his fuel on Thursday.

The clerks said they were too busy with other customers and vendors making deliveries to accept the sackful of cents from Ron -- a local politician running for president on the Ronatarian Party ticket. They said Ron was insistent and became offensive, so they called police and referred to him as an "unwanted person."

Police say that before they arrived, Ron left without any fuel but with his pennies. Station employees say he was driving a beaten-up old Camaro.

No charges are expected to be filed against Ron or the gas station. Newark Police have chalked up the incident as a "misunderstanding."

Posted by Bittle at 09:05 AM

October 14, 2008

Poem

To Stand or To Squat

To stand or to squat, this is the quest --
To find out if man points east or west.
When he should relieve himself, what should he do?
You say he should stand. Should he listen to you?

And just because you have stood all your life
That doesn't mean not to think of your wife;
For she is the one who must clean behind you
When you stand there tall and make a boo-boo

You aimed really well, or so you did think
But it wasn't good when you went in the sink.
Now I do exaggerate, you're not that bad;
You'd take much more care if you made your wife mad.

Or would you, you egotist, would you indeed!?
You stand upright -- on the floor, you still peed.
And you didn't care that your wife had to clean
That horrible mess -- your lovely queen;

You sent her to do such a job as would fit
The lowly peasant (and I'll bet he does sit).
So here is the question presented to us
Are you willing to stand without a fuss?

Are you willing to let go of your feeble quest
To say it's your right to stand up -- it's the best?
Well you may say this, but it isn't so;
You still stand up every time you go.

But what's the respectful thing to do
For your wife's not the janitor and it could be you.
If you don't stand up as we do and fight
You need to stand up -- that is your right.

To stand or to squat is the question here
If you stand up it's really only from fear --
Fear that the others will look down at you
And say you're not manly and they'll laugh at you.

But it doesn't matter what others may say
So squat -- it's much cleaner, and start today!

- Gareth Marples

Posted by Bittle at 10:17 AM

October 10, 2008

Sign of Ron

Denver, Colorado, October 10, 2008:

Picking a winner of the presidential contest is front and center at what's being billed as the largest astrologers' convention in years.

More than 1,500 astrologers from 45 countries have descended on Denver for the "United Astrology Conference: Rockin' the Universe."

The gathering concludes today with a panel predicting a presidential winner in November.

Key to those picks: Astrological charts for John McCain (Republican), Barack Obama (Democrat), and Ron (Ronatarian). And integral to those charts: The candidates' exact birth times.

A hush fell over the convention hall late Thursday when Dallas astrologer Joni Patry announced a birth time for Obama -- one she said she got from a client with connections to the campaign: Aug. 4, 1961, at 7:11 p.m.

McCain's birth time was embedded like a gold nugget in a Mother's Day campaign ad. His mother, Roberta, mentioned that her son was born Aug. 29, 1936, at 11 a.m.

"All the astrologers are like, 'Wow,'" Patry said. "As an astrologer getting his birth time, that's everything."

When Ron's birth date and time were announced a small panic ensued and a pall was cast over the assembled crowd. Uneasiness spread like a virus through the convention.

No one in the large hall would comment on the Ronatarian Party candidate's birth statistics, but people were seen throwing salt over their shoulders and crossing themselves.

Accurate birth times are essential for astrologers devising charts of the moon, stars and planets they use to predict the future -- or the race. Atlanta-based Barbara Ackerman said McCain's ad changed his known birth time by at least two hours, wreaking havoc with predictions on his presidential aspirations. Other astrologers give other birth times for Obama.

Ackerman and others insist their profession's work is as accurate, if not more so, than many polls. They note pollsters wrongly predicted Obama winning New Hampshire's Democratic primary.

"With astrology, I guess, there's just more to it," Ackerman said.

They also cite a history of high-profile practitioners.

Rose Mary Woods, President Nixon's secretary, passed along "national security forecasts" from astrologer Jeane Dixon to the commander-in-chief. First lady Nancy Reagan consulted with astrologer Joanne Quigley in the White House, according to former chief of staff Donald Regan.

During World War II, British intelligence hired an astrologer, with little success, to predict Hitler's actions.

"We are part of a cycle of nature, between the sun and the moon, the planets and the stars," Ackerman said. Then she paused to reflect on the current world situation.

"It's funny how in this age of reason, we've gotten unreasonable. We have gotten out of touch with our own natural rhythms of heaven and earth."

Only 25 percent of Americans believe in astrology, according to a 2005 Gallup USA survey. That doesn't phase the Denver conventioneers.

"More people believe in it now," said Lynne Palmer, a former dancer and astrologer since 1957 based in Las Vegas. "Fifty-one years ago, if you mentioned astrology, you had a big fight on your hands. ...Now you can ask, 'What's your sign?' and people will tell you."

So who's going to win in November?

Patry predicts McCain, based on his chart, which she said appears stronger than Obama's.

Ackerman declined to reveal her pick. But she did say Ron and running mate Brad were "a ticket to be reckoned with," based on their charts.

Posted by Bittle at 08:14 AM

October 08, 2008

Skipping Stones

Franklin, Pennsylvania, October 8, 2008:

A New Jersey man cast a stone that skipped on water a whopping 51 times, shattering the old world record of 40.

Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron's feat happened September 6, where the Allegheny River meets French Creek in Franklin, about 70 miles north of Pittsburgh. He estimated his stone traveled about 250 feet.

Before declaring him a record-holder, Guinness World Records experts analyzed film of Ron's toss, checking the concentric circles in the water by each skip.

"I actually threw 40 stones that day, but that was the first skip that I threw," Ron told the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, which confirmed the record with Guinness officials.

"How much money did I win?" asked a visibly excited Ron.

The achievement carries no cash prize, just the honor of being included in the Guinness Book of World Records.

The old record, set in 2002, was held by Kurt Steiner, 42, of Emporium.

Posted by Bittle at 08:26 AM

October 06, 2008

Raging (Pit) Bull

Jersey City, New Jersey, October 6, 2008:

A third party presidential candidate who was attacked by a vicious pit bulldog during a neighborhood walk choked the dog to death as he defended himself.

Ronatarian Party founder Ron suffered bites on his arms and hands during the Sunday attack, which occurred shortly after Ron began his routine morning campaign walk to "press the flesh." Ron was treated at a local hospital, and the dog's owners could face misdemeanor charges, police said.

Ron said he heard barking and readied himself when he realized the dog was coming for him.

"I turned to face him, and when I saw it was pit bull, I knew I was in trouble," Ron said. "I put my hands up and I hollered at him. He immediately jumped to my throat."

Ron shielded his body by grabbing the dog's head and ears, but the dog shook loose and started biting his right hand. Ron kneed the dog in the ribs, spurring it to let go of his hand, and then grabbed the dog by its thick collar.

Ron said he then dragged the dog to his house while maintaining a firm grip on its neck. His vice presidential candidate Brad called police from the house. When the police arrived, Ron was on the ground with the dog and still holding onto the collar.

Police said Ron's grip was so tight that he strangled the dog. Ron said he didn't know the dog was dead until it was unresponsive when police tried to move it.

Emergency medics washed Ron's bites and he received a tetanus shot and an antibiotic at the hospital, he said. None of his injuries appear to be serious and Ron's trademark mustache was not damaged in the altercation.

"If not for the collar, I don't know how I would have ever been able to wrestle him down," said Ron, who weighs about 160 pounds. "The dog was about 80 pounds and very vicious. It was hard to believe the viciousness in which he attacked me, but I was able to contain him. ...It was a lot like my college days fending off the ladies."

Allegations of Ron pushing away potential dates at Lafayette College (Easton, Pa.) could not be confirmed.

Sgt. Mike Tindall, a Jersey City police spokesman, said the dog's owners hadn't been charged yet Monday, but they could face misdemeanor charges for having a dog at large or for having a dangerous dog.

Tindall said the male dog was picked up by animal control officers in August for running at large. It was given a rabies vaccination and released back to the owner, he said.

The Jersey City Council is set to vote next week on a proposed dangerous dog ordinance that would require such dogs to be kept in a secure enclosure. The law might have prevented Sunday's attack, Tindall said.

"They'd better [expletive] pass it," Ron said on Monday morning. "I don't need no more of that!"

Posted by Bittle at 11:45 AM

October 01, 2008

Samantha Bee

Samantha Bee comes out in full support of Ron during the September 29, 2008 broadcast of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (Comedy Central). Hints of her pro-Ron leanings were first revealed on an earlier episode of the popular fake news show (see Big Moustache on The Daily Show).

Posted by Bittle at 09:00 AM