November 24, 2008

Whack & Cheese

Jersey City, New Jersey, November 24, 2008

A recently unemployed man faced a domestic assault charge after he allegedly attacked his roommate on Saturday for making him macaroni for dinner. Investigator Dale Matuszczak said the victim called for help after locking himself in a bathroom.

"He sounded awfully upset in there," said Matuszczak. "He also sounded like a little bitch...whining like a girl and crying hysterically."

The two roommates in the investigation were identified as losing presidential ticket Ron and Brad (Ronatarian Party).

Matuszczak said Brad had apparently been hit with a wet noodle, suffering a minor bruise on his nose.

"He didn't react well to the contact," Matuszczak said. "He sort of panicked...like a sissy would."

According to the police report, Ron was intoxicated and assaulted Brad when he discovered he made macaroni for his dinner. Food was tossed around the house as Ron flung wet noodles and croutons at Brad.

It has been widely reported that in the waning stages of the 2008 presidential campaign, the Ronatarians were so low on cash that they resorted to eating cheap store-brand macaroni and cheese at all meals. Apoparently, Ron had reached a breaking point and let his frustrations fly at the unfortunate Brad.

Ron was initially arrested and charged with second-degree domestic assault, but those charges were dropped by Brad and the overworked Jersey City Police.

Posted by Bittle at 02:50 PM

November 05, 2008

Concession

Jersey City, New Jersey, November 5, 2008:

There is no goddamn way Ron is conceding this election to anyone...Obama, McCain, even that prick Bob Barr! The fight continues!

Suck on that America! Ron 2012!

Posted by Bittle at 07:21 AM

November 04, 2008

Vote

Posted by Bittle at 08:03 AM

November 03, 2008

Shocking Revelation

Chapel Hill, North Carolina, November 3, 2008:

Libby Lee of Chapel Hill was tired of someone stealing Ron-Brad campaign signs from her yard. Lee, with a degree in electrical engineering from Lafayette College (Easton, Pa.), hooked up a third sign to a power source for an electric pet fence Friday and also put up a surveillance camera.

The News & Observer of Raleigh reported that a 9-year-old boy with an McCain-Palin sign grabbed the Ron-Brad sign and got a jolt on Sunday.

The boy's father, Andrew Noble, upset that his son had been shocked, showed up at Lee's door. Soon an Orange County sheriff's deputy also showed up at Lee's home.

Noble said his son just wanted to see how the sign was put together. Lee said the boy intended to swap out the signs.

Sheriff Lindy Pendergrass said he doesn't plan to file charges.

Underdogs Ron and Brad are running on the Ronatarian Party ticket. The party is based in New Jersey.

Posted by Bittle at 09:10 AM

November 02, 2008

Kitty Caucus

Columbus, Ohio, November 2, 2008:

To put it in a tasteful way, a vote in Ohio is determining which White House hopeful is the pick of the litter. The ballot boxes are cat litter boxes in the 2008 "Kitty Caucus" being conducted by the Capital Area Humane Society in Columbus and local radio station WBNS-FM, known as Mix 97.1.

The presidential preferences of the animal shelter's feline residents are being determined by their "votes" dropped into a red box for Republican John McCain, a blue one for Democrat Barack Obama, and a green box for Ronatarian Ron.

The radio station's Web site calls the Kitty Caucus "a political movement that really counts."

Perhaps thankfully, the site doesn't go into detail about how the votes are being counted. But it says McCain was leading Saturday by a close 50 to 48 (Obama) to 3 (Ron).

Posted by Bittle at 03:57 PM