December 22, 2008

Latke Gravitas

Lake Grove, New York, December 22, 2008:

That's a lot of latkes. A failed New Jersey politician has downed 46 of the potato pancakes in eight minutes to win a contest at a Long Island deli.

Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron says he'd never eaten a latke (lot-kuh) before consuming about seven pounds of them Sunday at Zan's in Lake Grove.

Before the contest, the erstwhile presidential candidate said: "These things smell [expletive] terrible...I just want to shove 'em down my gullet as fast as I can so I don't have to taste 'em."

Association of Independent Competitive Eaters Chairman Arnie Chapman says Ron demolished the contest's previous record of 31 latkes, set in 2006.

When told of his record-breaking feat, Ron just took a deep breath, shook his head, covered his mouth, and ran to the nearest restroom.

Brooklyn college student Will Millender took second place Sunday with 29 latkes.

The pancakes are a traditional treat for Hanukkah, the eight-day Jewish Festival of Lights. It started Sunday evening.

Posted by Bittle at 10:41 AM

December 19, 2008

Lord of the Brad

Jersey City, New Jersey, December 19, 2008:

Police are investigating after a man leaving his house on Thursday morning found a frozen pig head stuck on top of a pole next to a tree in his yard.

Former presidential candidate Ron said the sight terrified his roommate Brad.

"Damn thing spooked Brad...he ran back inside crying," Ron said. "Now I have to go to the bar alone."

Jersey City Police Sgt. Jim Watson said evidence suggests the head had been there just a few hours. Watson said if the person who left the head is caught, he could be charged with misdemeanor disturbing the peace.

Ron said his yard has been a target for vandalism and theft in the past but that he's not worried about incident.

"These [people] just want a piece of what I got," said Ron, who lost the 2000, 2004, and 2008 presidential elections by enormous margins. "It's probably just some [people] trying to ride my coattails...I get it all the time."

Ron has not announced whether he plans to run again in 2012.

Posted by Bittle at 05:45 AM

December 18, 2008

Poem

There's no "I" in "team" -- at least not
since I got kicked off the team for drinking.

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 12:51 AM