July 30, 2009

Poem

If all the world's a stage, the USA is
the shiny vertical pole in the middle.

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 01:48 AM

July 29, 2009

Groan & Blare It

Jersey City, New Jersey, July 29, 2009:

Jersey City Police say a man fed up of children playing in front of his house blared a pornographic soundtrack to chase them off. Irate neighbors told police they could hear the sexually explicit audio a block and a half away.

Police say Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron faces a possible felony obscenity charge and two misdemeanors for the July 28 stunt at his ramshackle home.

The 30-something mustachioed Ron has a preliminary hearing scheduled for next month. He doesn't have a listed telephone number, and his lawyer declined to comment Tuesday.

Detective Tom Goggin says Ron had filed one previous complaint about the neighborhood children. He says the children clearly annoy Ron -- but there's nothing criminal about playing outside.

Ron refused to comment for this story.

Posted by Bittle at 02:24 AM

July 20, 2009

Somebody's Knockin'

Jersey City, New Jersey, July 20, 2009:

Police said a Jersey City man threatened to slit his neighbors' throats after they reported him for playing loud music. A 32-year-old man was charged with three counts of criminal threatening and two of criminal mischief after he admitted punching a hole in the neighbors' front door.

Police said they gave the unidentified man a noise ticket early Friday, but the neighbors -- identified as Ronatarians Ron and Brad -- called officers back about a half hour later.

Investigators said the man went to Ron and Brad's house to apologize, but things didn't work out well. Ron and Brad reported the man began yelling, pulled out a pocket knife and threatened to slit their throats.

"He wasn't talkin' 'bout no loud music," said Ron. "He was f*cking crazy...screaming about politics and hookers and linear quadratic equations."

Ron and Brad slammed the door and were not hurt; although the perpetrator continued to pound on the front door, eventually putting a hole almost through it.

Posted by Bittle at 07:52 PM

July 17, 2009

Overcharge

Jersey City, New Jersey, July 17, 2009:

A New Jersey man says he swiped his debit card at a liquor store to buy a six-pack of beer and was charged over 23 quadrillion dollars.

Ronatarian Party leader Ron checked his account online a few hours later and saw the 17-digit number -- a stunning $23,148,855,308,184,500 (twenty-three quadrillion, one hundred forty-eight trillion, eight hundred fifty-five billion, three hundred eight million, one hundred eighty-four thousand, five hundred dollars).

"I almost crapped my pants," said Ron. "Well...OK...I did crap my pants. After I cleaned up, I called the bank and gave them a piece of my mind."

Ron says he spent two hours on the phone with Bank of America trying to sort out the string of numbers and the $15 overdraft fee.

The bank corrected the error the next day.

Bank of America tells The New Jersey Spew only the card issuer, Visa, could answer questions. Visa, in turn, referred questions to the bank.

Posted by Bittle at 10:28 AM