April 26, 2004

Ron-away Train

Newark, New Jersey, April 26, 2004:

A New Jersey man who got drunk, fell asleep on railroad tracks, and was run over by a train slept through the entire episode and escaped unharmed, local officials said on Monday.

Ron, a 30-something U.S. presidential candidate, did not regain consciousness until well after paramedics arrived on the scene late on Saturday night.

"He must have been very drunk to have slept through all that," said John Rose, a health official in the city of Newark. "It's a miracle he wasn't hurt."

The train's driver spotted Ron on the tracks and frantically blew the whistle but was unable to rouse him or stop the train in time. The undercarriage passed within just a few inches of his body (and world famous mustache) but did not touch him.

"I counted only fourteen beers," a bewildered Ron told local newspaper The New Jersey Spew afterwards. "But who knows how many more there might have been. I don't remember. Man, what a bender!"

Ron is affiliated with the Ronatarian Party, headquartered in nearby Jersey City.

Posted by Bittle at 04:31 PM | TrackBack

April 22, 2004

Ron-oceros

Jackson, New Jersey, April 22, 2004:

A rampant rhinoceros gave a group of visitors a glimpse of nature in the raw at The Wild Safari (New Jersey) park when he tried to have sex with their car. The group of startled Ronatarians was at Six Flags Great Adventure to promote its "preservation agenda."

Sharka, a two-ton white rhino, got amorous with presidential candidate Ron's car when he stopped with three party members to take pictures of the animal mating with his partner Trixie. He was not in his famed Camaro, but in a "tricked-out" Dodge Neon he borrowed from his vice-presidential running mate Brad.

The 12-year-old rhino tried to mount the Neon from the side, denting the doors and ripping off the wing mirrors before Ron drove away with a puffing Sharka in pursuit.

"He was a big boy and obviously aroused," Ron told the New Jersey Spew newspaper on Wednesday. "He sidled up against us. The next thing I know he's banging away at the car and it's rocking like hell."

A spokeswoman for the park, which says "rhinos are not particularly intelligent animals" on its Web site, said Sharka was a hit with the female rhinos and had fathered two calves in the last five years.

"He's got a bit of a reputation and he was obviously at it again," she added.

"Reminds me of my college days," quipped Ron. "…Watching videos of animals having sex."

Posted by Bittle at 11:35 AM | TrackBack

April 15, 2004

Snake Bitten

Jersey City, New Jersey, April 15, 2004:

The large trees section at a Lowe's store looks a lot like a forest, but customers don't expect to see dangerous fauna living in the flora. A customer rummaging through the trees at a Lowe's store here was bitten on the hand by an 18-inch eastern diamondback rattlesnake, a company spokeswoman said Wednesday.

"The gentleman thought he had hit his hand on a thorn but they discovered it was a snakebite," said Chris Ahearn, a spokeswoman for the Mooresville, N.C.-based hardware chain.

The man was later identified by hospital personnel as 2000 and 2004 Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron.

A fellow party member shopping with Ron Tuesday killed the snake, and they brought it with them when Ron was taken to a hospital to ensure proper treatment for the poison, Ahearn said.

Political opponents immediately jumped on the story and called Ron's campaign "snakebit" and "still a stupid, futile attempt at self-aggrandizement."

Ron declined to respond to his detractors and said he was only happy that "the snake got my hand and nothing else."

The eastern diamondback rattlesnake is not native to New Jersey, said David Walker, naturalist supervisor at the famous Bronx Zoo. Its natural range is in the Southeast.

The rattler can grow as long as 7 feet and often gives warning bites that deliver no venom.

The snake probably made its way to North Jersey with the trees, which were shipped in from Tennessee. Ahearn said she knows of no other similar instances at Lowe's.

Store employees immediately scoured the trees for other animals after the snakebite and found none, Ahearn said.

"We feel like this is an isolated incident, but we are taking it very seriously," she said. "We continue to watch our garden centers for uninvited guests…I’m talking about the snake here, not Ron."

Posted by Bittle at 10:08 AM | TrackBack

April 14, 2004

Pre-Approval Rating

Posted by Bittle at 03:19 PM | TrackBack

April 11, 2004

Poem

I was so enraged by my doctor keeping me
waiting endlessly -- and then showing no remorse --
that I decided to mess up his remaining schedule
by trashing my exam room before I left. When I come
back for my follow-up next week, I'd like to see
ol' Dr. Proctologist try to top that!

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 11:50 PM

April 07, 2004

Brad in Drag

Jersey City, New Jersey, April 7, 2004:

A candidate for U.S. Vice President rejected calls to withdraw from the race after photos of him in women's clothing began circulating.

Ronatarian Party #2 man Brad said he "will not succumb to blackmail" from opponents who are trying to use "very old, personal information" to force him out of the race.

"Now my opponent is using the private information in an attempt to intimate that I am a homosexual, which I am not," Brad said in a statement Tuesday.

His "opponent" apparently seems to be multi-time presidential candidate Lyndon LaRouche. LaRouche currently remains on the Democratic Party ticket as a presidential candidate, so vying for another party's vice presidential nomination is baffling -- as well as unprecedented.

Ronatarian presidental candidate Ron has never wavered from his support for his long-time political partner Brad. Huge shockwaves of surprise would ripple through the nation if Ron did not officially choose Brad as his running mate at the Ronatarian National Convention. The Ronatarian Party has not announced a convention date, location, or confirmation that the event will actually take place.

The Democrats hold their primary from July 26 to July 29 in Boston, Massachusetts.

LaRouche denied direct involvement in the "outing." He said his campaign staff learned of the photos and alerted the media. He added, "I don't think it is a well-guarded secret that Brad likes to play Hide-the-Salami."

The photos were apparently obtained by a company that repossessed a mobile home registered to Brad, according to court records.

Brad said his family and friends had "dealt with the [issue]" and he apologized to supporters for any embarrassment caused by "a small part of my personal past."

"I've grown since that time," he pleaded. "Really."

Posted by Bittle at 02:36 PM | TrackBack

April 06, 2004

Poem

My sexual performance really isn't what
it ought to be, but I'm too embarrassed
to talk to anyone about it. I sure wish
someone would send me e-mail with
info on how to correct the situation.

(Andrew Kennedy) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 11:09 PM | TrackBack

April 01, 2004

Poem

I don't think I would ever steal bread,
even if my family were starving. Not
for any moral reason, but simply because
I wouldn't want to risk having to admit
on any future job applications that I
was once arrested for pinching a loaf.

(Scott E. Frank) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 08:59 PM | TrackBack