March 29, 2004

Bat Boy Gives Endorsement

Waltham, Massachusetts, March 29, 2004:

Bat Boy is on the loose again -- and this time, the little guy is endorsing Ron for President!

Aides scurried for cover and the Ronatarian Party candidate's jaw dropped in shock, sources say, when the shrieking, 2-foot, 6-inch mutant half-walked, half-flew into a Ronatarian campaign office in town.

"Of course, we all knew who Bat Boy was," said one campaign worker. "But we were jumpy because he has a reputation for being kind of unpredictable. And to tell you the truth, he's even scarier-looking in person than he is in the newspaper. ...But then again, so is N8."

But Bat Boy, who hadn't been seen since he escaped from a Georgia laboratory two weeks ago, quickly made it clear that his mission was a friendly one.

"Bat Boy can't talk, of course -- but he showed us in his own inimitable way that he was there to endorse our man," the aide said. "He started screeching and excitedly pointing at a Ron for President sign and shaking his head 'yes, yes, yes.'

"Then he hopped over and started patting Ron on the back and shaking his head 'yes, yes, yes' again.

"When he spotted a bumper sticker that said, Enough Jibba-Jabba...Vote for Ron Crazy Fool!, he held it across his chest and began excitedly pointing at himself. It was clear that he was saying, 'Yep, I'm voting for him myself.'"

Witnesses said the little refugee from the mountains of Virginia flitted around the office for 10 minutes or so, then walked over to Ron and extended his gnarled little hand. After a moment's hesitation, the mustached presidential candidate extended his and the two shook hands vigorously before stopping to pose for photographers.

Then all hell broke loose.

"He was moving toward the door and people were saying goodbye to him and I thought he was going to leave," Ron recalled. "But suddenly, he shrieked and ripped off his coat and tie and shirt until he was totally bare-chested. And then he came up and gave me a 'love bite' on the shoulder that I'll never forget.

"I'll probably have a scar, but that's OK, because I know he was just trying to be friendly.

"Then, while I was still rubbing my shoulder, he scooted out the door and just disappeared down the street."

Ron was in Waltham coordinating his New England campaign.

Posted by Bittle at 04:34 PM | TrackBack

March 25, 2004

Fire in the Pants

Hoboken, New Jersey, March 25, 2004:

A passenger on a New Jersey Transit train suffered slight burns to his right leg yesterday when his pants were set on fire by a red-hot hair clip stuck into the heater under his seat, officials said. Heaters on the trains are underneath the bench-type seats, behind a grate.

The incident, which transit veterans said might be unprecedented, unfolded about 12:30 p.m. aboard a Hoboken-bound train, when the man noticed his pants ablaze.

The man was later identified as Ronatarian Party founder and presidential candidate Ron.

Transit personnel were alerted, and Ron was taken from the train at the Grove Street stop. It was unclear how the fire went out.

An emergency medical team took him to a nearby hospital, where he was treated for superficial burns to his right leg and released, a hospital administrator said. The train was taken out of service and investigated.

This is Ron's second run-in with a New Jersey Transit train in less than a week. On Friday, he was hit by a train while walking home from a local adult establishment (See Double Whammy).

Ron was spotted yesterday afternoon leaving the hospital accompanied by his vice presidential running mate Brad. The victim walked without any noticeable limp and declined commenting on the incident. Brad remained silent as well and walked a step behind his superior.

Ron was wearing a puffy white parka and a pair of parachute pants that apparently had been intentionally ripped in several spots, leaving jagged, fringe patches.

It was not clear if those were the same pants that had caught on fire. A token booth clerk at the Grove Street station said she had seen Ron walk out of the station shortly after he was burned and said the pants had a row of fringes.

"He was wearing the strangest pants," the clerk said, describing the jeans as similar in appearance to chaps that a cowboy might wear. "What he was wearing, he had to catch on fire," said the clerk, who declined to give her name. "Crazy-ass cracker...I never seen no one wear nothing like that."

Ken Connaughton, a New Jersey Transit spokesman, said investigators found that the fire started with a hair clip that had been stuck into the radiator. It conducted heat and set ablaze part of the man's pants. He declined to speculate on the value of thermal conductivity (k) of the hair clip.

"The clip was glowing red when they found it," said Connaughton. "He wasn't burned because of the heat itself. He was burned by the foreign object stuck into the heater."

Connaughton did not seem surprised that Ron was involved in another bizarre situation under his jurisdiction.

"Let's face it, the guy is a nut," he said. "He and his minions are way outside the norms of society -- and this is what happens."

Connaughton could not say how long the clip had been in the radiator or identify who did it.

"It looks like somebody with too much time on their hands," he said.

Transit employees said they never heard of a similar incident, although D. Parker, a conductor working on the PATH who wouldn't give his full name, said plastic bags occasionally melt slightly if they are kept against the heater.

"Nothing really bursts into flames," Parker said. "I guess except for Ron."

Posted by Bittle at 02:20 PM | TrackBack

March 23, 2004

N8 Wanted

More anonymous propaganda. The Notorious N8.

Posted by Webmaster at 10:19 PM | TrackBack

Poem

All over China, parents tell their children
to stop complaining and to finish their
quadratic equations and trigonometric
functions because there are sixty-five million
American kids going to bed with no math at all.

(Michael Cunningham) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 07:54 PM | TrackBack

Double Whammy

Jersey City, New Jersey, March 23, 2004:

A man in his mid 30s was struck by a slow-moving train as he walked home from a strip joint, and then a car slammed into the ambulance that was to take him to the hospital. The man escaped both accidents with minor injuries.

Identified as Ronatarian Party founder and presidential candidate Ron, the injured man was treated at a hospital for cuts, bruises, and a sprained finger before being released. No damage to his world famous mustache was reported.

Officials said Ron -- part of a brash political movement based in northern New Jersey -- was heading home from an evening out Friday when he walked into the path of a light rail train traveling about 20 miles per hour. New Jersey Transit officials said the train knocked him about 10 feet.

New Jersey Transit spokesman Ken Connaughton said Ron was apparently skipping along humming a tune, unaware of his surroundings, at the time of the accident.

"He heard the train trying to warn him. ...He was disoriented and thought the train was coming from the other direction," Connaughton said. "What a moron...I mean, how do you put yourself in that position?"

As Ron was being loaded into an ambulance, a car slammed into the vehicle. Another ambulance later took Ron to the hospital where he was treated.

"It was a real double-whammy," quipped onlookers.

Ron's vice presidential running mate Brad took him home from the hospital and seemed relieved to have Ron pronounced "fit and able" by staff doctors.

"Bad things tend to come in threes," Brad added. When reminded that only two accidents occurred in this case, Brad started to say something about an accident at the strip joint just before Ron left. It seemed to occur while one of the female performers was dancing and grinding on Ron's groin. Accounts were speculative, however, and Brad refused to comment further saying, "I think I said too much already."

Ron refused to comment, but only leered at Brad upon leaving the gaggle of media reporters on the scene.

There were no reports of serious injury to the paramedics or the four passengers in the car, officials said.

Posted by Bittle at 03:53 PM | TrackBack

March 22, 2004

Mike Gets Physical

This photo was submitted anonymously by one of Ron's fans. It's a photo of one of Ron's former classmates, but it's obviously doctored - Mike would never lift a barbell.

Posted by Webmaster at 09:20 PM | TrackBack

March 17, 2004

C'Est Ron!

Montpellier, France, March 17, 2004:

A Frenchman was convicted for trying to run over a pedestrian he mistook for American politico Ron.

The 35-year-old, identified as a struggling artist named Pierre, was sentenced Tuesday by a court in this southern France city to a three-month suspended prison term and ordered to pay euro500 ($615) to the victim, who was unharmed.

The man's lawyer, David Mendel, said his client was traumatized by last week's terror attacks in Madrid and was temporarily the "victim of a hallucination," while driving Monday through Montpellier's historic center.

The victim, a mustached man in his 30s, was able to run from the oncoming car, which crashed along the side of a street.

"It wasn't Ron," Mendel said. "If it was, we would have won euro10 ($12.30). Ron’s famous dislike for France and its citizens is well-known here. There is a pitiful bounty on his head…more symbolic than anything."

The Madrid train bombings, which killed 201 people, increasingly appear to have been orchestrated by Islamic extremists with facial hair and a hatred of freedom. Ron is in no way affiliated with any terror organizations and has denied any possible links as "hogwash." While his Ronatarian Party is considered a cult to many, he and his followers insist that they are on the up-and-up.

Ron refused to comment on the incident, choosing instead to scoff and mutter at the mere mention of anything French.

Posted by Bittle at 04:57 PM | TrackBack

March 15, 2004

Tossed Salad

Jersey City, New Jersey, March 15, 2004

Talk about leaving a bad tip at the restaurant? The severed tip of a restaurant worker's thumb was found in a customer's salad.

New Jersey Health Commissioner Bill "Beans" Franks said an employee at The Feed Bag in Jersey City was chopping lettuce at about 7 p.m. Friday when he cut off a part of his left thumb, including part of the fingernail.

Employees at the restaurant searched for the tip of his finger, but could not find it. The area was cleaned and sanitized, but the lettuce was placed in the cooler. The lettuce was then used for salads the next day.

"It wound up being served at dinner time Saturday to an aspiring local politician," Franks said.

The man was identified as Ronatarian Party vice presidential candidate Brad.
He had eaten most of his salad when he put the human tissue in his mouth, Franks said.

He thought it was a piece of gristle, a health department report said. Brad is a known connoisseur of bacon and gristle (See Bacon) and often prefers it to choice meat cuts. However, he realized after a good two-minute chew, that this was not gristle. He then alerted a manager.

The Feed Bag spokesman Dwayne Chalmers said that employees, in their haste to get the injured chef to a doctor, failed to follow the chain's procedures and throw out all food in the area.

"We clearly had a breakdown," he said. "We are incredibly sorry about what happened."

Chalmers said he spoke with Brad.

"He obviously was pretty upset," he said. "But what was amazing is that his boss, Ron, came in and was angrier than Brad. I mean this Ron guy flew off the handle and demanded free dining at all our establishments in the U.S. for Brad, him, and all his party members. That's just plain ludicrous. Where does he come off like that?"

The well-being of customers is the Albany-based restaurant's top priority, Chalmers said. "But I?m not going to kowtow to nut-jobs like these people. Who are 'Ronatarians' anyway?"

Franks said the restaurant has been cited for "serving adulterated food" and having improper supervision.

The restaurant should have reported the incident Saturday, he said.

The Feed Bag has been ordered to train the staff on safe food procedures.

Both the customer and the employee will be tested for blood-borne diseases such as hepatitis and HIV. According to an unidentified party member, "Brad is used to being tested for such diseases and STDs."

"We don't think there was a lot of blood that was passed, but we just don't want to take any chances," Franks said.

A Ronatarian Party spokesman said the matter was "definitely not closed."

Posted by Bittle at 09:36 AM | TrackBack

March 11, 2004

I-Ron Maiden

New York City, New York, March 11, 2004:

Iron Maiden offered its sympathy to fans whose concert experience was ruined by a beer over the weekend. Iron Maiden manager Ron Smallwood said on the band's Web site "some idiot" on the mezzanine of their show in New York "thought it was a good idea to chuck his beer into the air rather than down his throat."

The beer landed below on the mixing board. It blew out several channels and kept the band from playing any encores. Smallwood said the band felt "gutted" about the incident and he thanked fans for being understanding. He added, "And to the idiot who caused this, I do hope you learned a lesson."

Unidentified sources claim they saw Ronatarian Party leader Ron "in the general area" of the disruption on the balcony.

"He was definitely drinking heavily," said one witness. "He was sloshing that beer around like a conductor does with a baton." She added that she was sure many of the beers Ron had later in the evening "never made it to his mustached lips."

Reached later, Ron called the pseudo-accusations "preposterous" and refused further comment.

Posted by Bittle at 11:45 AM | TrackBack

March 10, 2004

Poor Mr. Snuggles

Jersey City, New Jersey: March 10, 2004

A politician was shaken and scalded Tuesday after his mobile phone exploded beside him while he was sleeping, a local New Jersey paper reported.

Ronatarian Party vice presidential candidate Brad said he was recharging his cell phone and placed it on his bed near him before he took a nap. Three hours later, he was jarred awake by what he described as a small explosion.

"The explosion scalded my buttocks, while there were burn marks on the mattress, the wall, and on Mr. Snuggles my teddy bear," Brad told The New Jersey Spew.

"At first I was confused about what had exploded, but I realized it was my mobile phone when I saw it was shattered in pieces," he said.

Brad said he had purchased a new battery for the phone a week ago.

"I got it from one of those street vendors," he said. "It was a great deal...I couldn't pass it up. I also got some gummy bears from the guy. He had everything."

He received treatment for the injury at a local hospital and returned home without further incident.

Posted by Ron at 11:38 PM | TrackBack

March 08, 2004

Poem

I've met this beautiful, blonde, Swedish girl in
an Internet chat room. I know there are a lot of
phonies out there who claim to be something they
aren't, but I'm pretty sure she's the genuine article.
Though I am surprised that someone who lives in
Stockholm would be so depressed over a Packers loss.

(Pat Sajak) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 07:36 PM | TrackBack

March 07, 2004

Poem

To set the mood, I cranked up Outkast's "(I Love)
The Way You Move" and sat back to enjoy the show --
though at that point the guys from Allied Van Lines
took noticeably less care with my boxes.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 07:18 PM | TrackBack

March 03, 2004

Nobody Beats the Wiz

Cheyenne, Wyoming: March 3, 2004

Urinating in a bottle and tossing it alongside the road would be made illegal under a bill introduced Wednesday in the Senate.

The practice, lawmakers say, has become problematic in some areas. A measure that passed introduction would classify it as littering, a misdemeanor punishable by up to nine months in prison and a $1,000 fine.

"For those of us who look at the beautiful scenery of Wyoming, we should now start looking at the shoulders of our roads," said a tongue-in-cheek Sen. Bill Vasey, D-Rawlins, the bill's sponsor.

"This is an infringement of rights!" declared Ronatarian Party founder Ron, a native of New Jersey. "I mean, what in the hell is happening to the basic liberties we are entitled to in the Constitution?"

There is no mention of the right to public urination in the Constitution, but Ron remains adamant about this issue, which he calls "polarizing."

"What trickles down from the conservative White House should not necessarily be enacted as law in our states. I blame Dick Cheney...he's from there, right?"

Admitting it would be hard to enforce, Vasey said the measure is still needed to address an increasingly pungent problem, especially among highway cleanup crews.

"I think it's beyond their scope to pick up someone's bottle of urine, to be honest with you," he said.

"...Then build a goddamn rest stop in Wyoming!" ranted Ron. "We have them all over New Jersey and we don't have a urine-in-bottle problem. Even if we did, I'd salute the freedom to piss and toss. It's an age-old practice that I don't want to see die."

The Senate Judiciary Committee will now consider the measure.

Posted by Webmaster at 09:19 PM | TrackBack

March 02, 2004

Ron de Janeiro

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, March 2, 2004

Nudity might be all the rage at Rio de Janeiro's famous Carnival that ended last week, but an American tourist learned on Friday not to try it beside the city's landmark Christ the Savior statue.

World nuisance N8 was charged with staging an "obscene act" and arrested with a group of friends who police said incited him to bare all and pose with outstretched arms underneath the 100-foot (30-meter) open-armed statue. A female prosecutor visiting the statue -- one of the city's top tourist attractions atop Corcovado mountain, which commands a breathtaking view of the beachside city -- ordered the group arrested on the spot.

"This is embarrassing, obscene and disrespectful of Brazilians," she said. "It also does not shine a good light on the male physique. What ever happened to respect for one's own body?"

Witnesses said the tourists seemed to be drunk, but police could not immediately confirm that.

Many in the group were identified as members of the offshoot Ronatarian Party, based in New Jersey. People both in the U.S. and Brazil are calling it a "publicity stunt," but no evidence of official Ronatarian Party involvement has been discovered.

The tourists will be freed after signing documents obliging them to appear in court or be barred from entering Brazil again, police said.

Posted by Bittle at 09:37 AM | TrackBack