May 28, 2004

Vote

Posted by Webmaster at 09:40 PM | TrackBack

May 26, 2004

Poem

As I ponder all the life-changing wonders of
impending fatherhood, one thought seems to be
foremost in my mind: "Well, so much for my
traditional Saturday morning tequila benders."

(Allen Lindsey) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 10:59 PM | TrackBack

May 25, 2004

Knocking the Vote

Dublin, Ireland, May 25, 2003:

Ireland has recently banned a video to encourage voting in next month's European elections because it shows a bare nipple.

"That's unconstitutional!" yelled Ron from across the ocean in America. Ron is an American presidential candidate from an upstart political movement based in the state of New Jersey. Ron and his followers call themselves Ronatarians and have Americans thinking in revolutionary terms -- again -- some 225 years after the former British colonies declared their independence.

In Britain, where bare breasts are shown daily in tabloid newspapers, the film will be shown in censored form. The breast-feeding sequence survives but shots of the offending nipple have been edited out.

"Are you kidding me?" questioned Ron. "What's the matter with a nice pair of hooters? How could that possibly be offensive?"

The 45-second film was produced by the European Parliament's audio-visual department and shows a suckling baby trying to decide which of its mother's breasts to feed from.

The idea is to show people making choices -- like voters at the ballot box.

While the sight of a baby suckling at its mother's breast is considered acceptable for hundreds of millions of other Europeans, Irish officials believe it would cause offense in Roman Catholic Ireland.

"I decided that due to sensitivities here, this is not the right image to promote anything in Ireland, unless it is of a medical or scientific nature," the head of the European Parliament's Irish office, Jim O'Brien, said.

Ireland, where over 90 percent of the population is Catholic, is traditionally conservative on issues of sexuality. Abortion is illegal and homosexuality was decriminalized only in 1993.

"Oh, Jesus Christ…gimme a break," said Ron. "The Irish are exploding car bombs and drinking themselves back to the 20th century, yet they are complaining about some ta-tas on TV? What's the world coming to?

"This O'Brien character is a pussy."

In Britain, film advert regulators found the suckling shot racy, likening the image to "the sort of breast shot you would associate with a men's magazine."

A member of the four-man, four-woman Cinema Advertising Association (CAA) panel, which took the decision, said they found that they ended up looking at the breast and not the baby.

"It was literally the breast full screen size with an erect nipple side on and the infant gazing across at them," said Greg Lyons, a copy consultant at the CAA.

"The panel found themselves looking at something that was very difficult for them," he said. "The infant was contemplating the breasts in rather an adult way."

"Only adults are voting in this election right?" said Ron. "Who cares what the baby thinks…he won't be stuffing the ballot box later."

Rosie Dodds, policy research officer for Britain's National Childbirth Trust, said the advert could have been innovative and striking.

"I do think it is a pity that we make the link between the sexuality of breasts and their nutritive function," she said.

"I just don’t get this Europe-place," concluded Ron. "Maybe that's why I live here in America where boobs are celebrated. Exposed breasts and elections go together like the yin and the yang."

Posted by Bittle at 02:27 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

May 24, 2004

Thrill Ride

London, England, May 24, 2004:

More than 80 British students threw caution and their clothes to the wind Saturday to set a world record for the number of nudes riding on a rollercoaster.

The naked joy riders spent a hair-raising one minute and fifty seconds swooping around the rails of the gravity defying rollercoaster ride at a theme park south of London.

A spokeswoman at the park said 81 students from 15 universities took part in the record-breaking stunt, which had never been attempted before.

Two American men tried to set a similar record a few years ago when they rode a rollercoaster nude 100 times in a day. Ronatarians Ron and Brad figured they’d set a record for "most nudity on a thrill ride" in a workday.

The Guiness Book of World Records did not recognize either stunt as noteworthy or record-breaking.

Posted by Bittle at 09:48 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 18, 2004

Greased Pig

Easton, Pennsylvania, May 18, 2004:

Brad may have thought he gave police the slip when he switched motels. But when authorities found the man slathered head-to-toe in petroleum jelly, they knew they had their man.

Authorities said a Motel 6 cleaning crew discovered a petroleum jelly mess on mattresses, bedding, a TV set, furniture, carpeting, and towels in Brad's room after he checked out last week. Damage was put at more than $1,000.

Brad is the vice presidential candidate for the radical Ronatarian Party.

Fourteen empty petroleum jelly jars and numerous pornographic magazines were fished out of the trashcan, according to WLAF radio in Easton.

Shortly afterward, a sheriff's deputy tracked down Brad to a nearby motel, finding the New Jersey man entirely covered in the greasy ointment, authorities said.

Brad was not charged with any crime and was released on his own recognizance. He agreed to pay for the damages he incurred at the Motel 6 plus a minor indecency fine. An attempt to reach Brad by telephone Tuesday was not immediately successful. Official Ronatarian Party channels were closed to comment as well.

Posted by Bittle at 01:41 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

May 13, 2004

Poem

I just got slapped with my seventh sexual harassment
suit this year. Man, I tell ya, the broads in
my office -- great racks, no sense of humor.

(Allen Lindsey) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 01:12 AM | TrackBack

May 10, 2004

Poem

This morning I woke up with the ugliest,
skankiest barmaid yet. Damn those
Jedi and their stupid mind tricks!

(Michael Cunningham) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 10:19 PM | TrackBack