June 30, 2004

Thorny Situation

Jersey City, New Jersey, June 30, 2004:

A fringe political candidate faces a thorny issue: figuring out who booby trapped his campaign sign with a spiked vine. Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron, who is running for president of the United States, said he believes someone is trying to discredit his campaign after a woman told police she cut her hand on a thorny vine when she tried to pull up his sign in her yard.

"From some of the other stuff that's been going on in this election, it wouldn't surprise me if that's the case," Ron said. "I have no idea who would do something like that. No! Wait…$20 it's that [expletive] [expletive] and [expletive] Bush! Man, he fights dirty."

Barbara Haun took the sign with the glued-on vine to police, telling them it was placed in her yard without her permission. Officers lifted four fingerprints they are trying to identify from the sign.

Campaign sign theft and vandalism have been reported across the city over the past two months leading up to the election in November.

Prosecutors aren't sure if a thorny sign constitutes a crime.

"If the thorns were placed on the sign with the intent to injure someone that's one thing, and if the thorns were placed there to protect the sign from being stolen it's another," assistant district attorney Doug Godbee said.

"If the goddamn police and judiciary department would stop theorizing and start investigating, we might get to the bottom if this!" concluded Ron.

Posted by Bittle at 02:59 PM | TrackBack

June 29, 2004

Poem

The Good Lord doesn't seem very interested
in having me win the lottery, but then He
doesn't seem too bent out of shape over me
banging the baby sitter, so I guess we're even.

(Ishmael Alighieri) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 09:32 PM | TrackBack

June 23, 2004

Wallet Chain

Jersey City, New Jersey, June 23, 2004:

Police say a Jersey City man was robbed early Tuesday after he answered the door in the nude. The man -- later identified as Ronatarian Party vice presidential candidate Brad -- told police he had been sleeping unclothed before he answered a knock at the door. Assailants overpowered him, hit him on the head, yelled "Bonadio!" and ran out with his wallet and blue jeans.

Brad chased after the assailants and fell down the stairs.

According to the police log, an officer checked out a report of a naked man lying by the stairs at an apartment building and found a trail of blood leading to the man's room.

Police Lt. David Walton said the man was taken by ambulance to nearby Newark Hospital where he was given stitches for a head wound and released.

Police found a pair of blue jeans in a parking lot. The report said an undisclosed number of suspects had taken the wallet. There was also no explanation of the "Bonadio!" scream. It is apparently a dead end lead.

No further information surrounding the case was available and Brad refused to comment.

Posted by Bittle at 01:27 PM | TrackBack

June 22, 2004

Poem

Sometimes I just wish Wile E. Coyote would
just give up and order some chicken fingers
instead, since that's what the Road Runner
probably tastes like anyway. Plus I'd love
to see Ronald McDonald drop an anvil on him.

(Ben Borg) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 08:59 PM | TrackBack

June 17, 2004

Poem

Every morning when I head out the door to go
to work, I ask myself, "What would Jesus do?"
I hate those days when I get the answer:
"He certainly wouldn't be leaving the
house wearing THAT dress with THAT hat."

(Peter Reinke) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 08:53 PM | TrackBack

June 11, 2004

Brad-O-Potty

New Jersey Turnpike, June 11, 2004:

A man's car was badly damaged Thursday when a portable toilet was whisked into the air in a storm and flung down on the hood of his car, police said.

The accident happened as the man -- identified later as Ronatarian Party vice presidential candidate Brad -- was driving home toward Jersey City, police spokesman Ralph Kunz said. The man was not hurt, but the toilet caused damage estimated at $2,300 to his vehicle, a "tricked out" Dodge Neon.

Later attempts to contact Brad after the incident were unsuccessful.

Posted by Bittle at 01:33 PM | TrackBack

June 10, 2004

Poem

My family kept telling me I was too stressed
out, so I've been taking these relaxative
things I bought at the drugstore. Now, if
I could just get over this freakin' diarrhea.

(Larry Hollister) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 11:35 PM | TrackBack

Breaking the Main

Jersey City, New Jersey, June 10, 2004:

Sewage from backed-up bathroom pipes burst through the ceiling of Ronatarian Party headquarters and ran down the walls, forcing the evacuation of the office.

"I've been complaining about the condition of this building for some time," the party's presidential candidate Ron said Wednesday. "Perhaps some people think I've been crying wolf. Where are they now? 'Wolf,' huh?!?"

The city's health department ordered the building closed and evacuated because it was "unsafe for human habitation," Mayor Glenn Cunningham's office said. The building has had the sewage problem for two months, the statement said.

When the leak began Wednesday, workers in the building took important documents for upcoming political rallies and went to a nearby middle school, where they will work until the problem can be fixed. No health problems or injuries were reported.

The clean-up is expected to take less than a week.

Posted by Bittle at 09:31 AM | TrackBack

June 08, 2004

Poem

It's comforting to know that, once again,
America is leading the way by conquering
the problems of obesity and low self-esteem
through the healing powers of self-mutilation.

(Jim Rosenberg) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 10:12 PM | TrackBack

June 04, 2004

N8 Wash

Woodstock, Ontario (Canada), June 4, 2004:

A very strange man was arrested after stripping off his clothes and entering a car wash for an impromptu shower. Police say a cab stopped to fill up at a gas station about 10 p.m. Thursday when the passenger -- known worldwide only as N8 -- got out and decided to have a wash before going home, the Woodstock Sentinel-Review reported.

Police found the man naked and intoxicated.

He was charged with being intoxicated in a public place, but those charges were later dropped. N8 is, once again, free to roam the Earth.

Posted by Bittle at 02:20 PM | TrackBack

June 03, 2004

Condom Wagon

Stockholm, Sweden, June 3, 2004:

A Swedish aid organization will roll out a new line of defense to the country's emergency services next week -- the condom ambulance.

From Friday, June 4, amorous couples can call the telephone number 696969 and a white van featuring a large red condom with wings as a logo will deliver them a packet of 10 prophylactics.

"Now there's an idea we here in America can and should embrace," said Ronatarian Party frontman Ron at a rally at a Planned Parenthood in Rahway, New Jersey. "Why can't our politicians and Health and Human Services Department come up with ideas like that?"

"This is what I'm talking about people -- thinking outside the box. ...Coming up with unique and original solutions to move our nation forward. Helping people with [sex] and CENSORED and maybe even CENSORED."

The ambulances will operate in Stockholm and the southern cities of Malmo and Gothenberg. The service, aimed at young people, will run until June 25 and be available between four in the afternoon and nine at night.

"We need to increase the usage of condoms," said Carl Osvald, marketing manager for the Swedish Organization for Sex Education, the non-governmental organization behind the initiative. "It is 50 percent about pregnancy and 50 percent about sexually transmitted diseases."

A packet of 10 condoms will cost 50 crowns ($6.72), less than they cost on average in the shops.

The incidence of sexually transmitted disease is increasing rapidly in Sweden and not enough young people use condoms, Osvald said.

"We need to change attitudes to condoms," he said. "If we need to get out in to the bedrooms to make things better we will do it."

"I tend to distrust Scandinavians," said Ron. "But I think this is a beautiful idea that would work here in the States."

Posted by Bittle at 08:44 AM | TrackBack

June 02, 2004

Illegal Towing

Newark, New Jersey, June 2, 2004:

He was trying to stop his car from being towed, but a Jersey City-based politician ended up being towed himself.

Truck driver Donald Wilson was about to tow a "tricked out" Dodge Neon from a Waldbaums parking lot at about 3:15 p.m. Tuesday when the car's owner -- identified as Ronatarian vice presidential candidate Brad -- saw what was happening and argued with him, New Jersey State Police said.

Wilson then began to drive away with Brad standing on a running board, hanging on to the side door of the tow truck, police said.

He allegedly kept going for about two miles before he was stopped by police officers.

Wilson was arrested on a charge of reckless endangerment and issued three tickets for violations of town ordinances, police said. Brad was not hurt. He was happy to be reunited with the car, but refused comment after the incident.

Posted by Bittle at 02:13 PM | TrackBack