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Thorny Situation
Jersey City, New Jersey, June 30, 2004:
A fringe political candidate faces a thorny issue: figuring out who booby trapped his campaign sign with a spiked vine. Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron, who is running for president of the United States, said he believes someone is trying to discredit his campaign after a woman told police she cut her hand on a thorny vine when she tried to pull up his sign in her yard.
"From some of the other stuff that's been going on in this election, it wouldn't surprise me if that's the case," Ron said. "I have no idea who would do something like that. No! Wait…$20 it's that [expletive] [expletive] and [expletive] Bush! Man, he fights dirty."
Barbara Haun took the sign with the glued-on vine to police, telling them it was placed in her yard without her permission. Officers lifted four fingerprints they are trying to identify from the sign.
Campaign sign theft and vandalism have been reported across the city over the past two months leading up to the election in November.
Prosecutors aren't sure if a thorny sign constitutes a crime.
"If the thorns were placed on the sign with the intent to injure someone that's one thing, and if the thorns were placed there to protect the sign from being stolen it's another," assistant district attorney Doug Godbee said.
"If the goddamn police and judiciary department would stop theorizing and start investigating, we might get to the bottom if this!" concluded Ron.
Posted by Bittle at June 30, 2004 02:59 PM
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Comments
I don't see any Ron signs. Where are the Ron signs? I went to Hooters, no Ron signs. I went to the men's clinic, no Ron signs. I went to the place where you donate blood for $5, no Ron signs.
Whoever's running this campaign sure has their head up their ass. Why the hell would you be putting signs in some lady's yard? Ladies ain't gonna vote for Ron.
Posted by: S. Bittle at July 1, 2004 11:43 PM
Is "S. Bittle" related to "Bittle?" I only ask because "Bittle" posted this story.
Posted by: Colin Powell Jr. at July 2, 2004 08:25 AM
I can't reveal my identity, but I have it on good authority that Mr. Bittle has bipolar disorder.
Posted by: CIA informant at July 2, 2004 10:43 PM