July 30, 2004

Riding High

Newark, New Jersey, July 30, 2004:

Two men who were arrested for riding bikes through a Wal-Mart while wearing women's thong underwear blamed the stunt on a "triple-dog dare," authorities said.

The men -- identified as the Ronatarian Party's 2004 presidential ticket Ron and Brad -- bought two pair of underwear at the store Thursday, went into a bathroom and came out wearing only the thongs, police said.

Witnesses said the men rode through the aisles of the store and out to their car, a "tricked out" Dodge Neon.

Police caught the men in the parking lot, and reviewed a surveillance tape before arresting them for public indecency and disorderly conduct.

When asked why they were wearing thong underwear, Brad said a Ronatarian Party volunteer "triple-dog dared" them. They will not be prosecuted, authorities said. The security tape was destroyed.

Many political pundits believe it was all a publicity stunt to raise awareness of the radical party's presidential aspirations.

Posted by Bittle at 10:59 AM | TrackBack

July 29, 2004

Poem

You know that guy who keeps winning
every day on the game show "Jeopardy!"?
Betcha I could kick his ass at Quarters.
Ha! Take another shot, Pencil Neck!

(El Ruminatorio) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 10:45 PM

July 27, 2004

Kinky dBs

Jersey City, New Jersey, July 27, 2004:

A New Jersey man took his female neighbor to court for noise pollution after she repeatedly kept him awake through half the night and had at least one four-hour sex session, a court spokeswoman said Monday.

The plaintiff was identified as Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron.

"Four hours of sex noises. What was I supposed to think? It was nothing but groaning and banging," Ron told the judge, a New Jersey Spew report said.

Ron told a New Jersey court that his "hot" 25-year old neighbor Andrea G. was disturbing the peace by keeping him awake early in the morning.

"She was constantly bringing home different dudes to bang and it was bugging me," he said before the judge. "Her actions cut into my sleep time and my self-esteem."

Andrea said her 30-something neighbor had complained in the past, calling at five in the afternoon, but that she had not felt obliged to respond. "I can have as much sex as loud as I want then," she said.

The judge dropped the case on learning that the woman had since moved out of the apartment.

Posted by Bittle at 08:59 AM | TrackBack

July 22, 2004

Toilet Etiquette

Jersey City, New Jersey, July 22, 2004:

Police had to forcibly separate two men in a confrontation that could be described as potty rage. The situation developed Wednesday night when a presidential candidate allegedly took too much time in a bathroom at Burger King, police said.

Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron, who was in the john, and Joseph Manuel Augusto, 37, who was waiting to use it, got into an argument when Ron emerged, police said.

Heated words escalated into a physical fight.

The two men allegedly bumped chests, then chased each other around the restaurant with their weapons. Augusto had a small razor pocketknife and Ron brandished a Burger King straw dispenser, police said.

"That was quick thinking on Ron's part," said Jersey City Police spokesman Herschel Krustofski. "He might have gotten hurt otherwise."

No one was reported injured and no harm came to Ron's signature mustache.

Both men were arrested on the scene and charged with breach of peace. However, upon hearing both sides of the story, Ron was released and all charges against him were dropped.

Ron refused to comment after the incident.

Posted by Bittle at 03:04 PM | TrackBack

July 21, 2004

Not Yo' Cheese!

Elizabeth, New Jersey, July 21, 2004:

A man was arrested after a police officer saw him nude and covered with nacho cheese from a pool snack bar.

Ronatarian vice presidential candidate Brad was arrested early Tuesday in the parking lot outside the community pool.

An officer saw a nude man carrying a box of Frito Lay snacks and a container of nacho cheese run toward a "tricked out" Dodge Neon in the lot and stopped him.

"The male had nacho cheese in his hair, on his face, and slathered on his shoulders and chest," Elizabeth Police Department officer Scott Spicer reported. "The nude male had a strong odor of alcohol and was semi-incoherent."

Investigators said someone climbed an 8-foot fence, broke into the pool snack bar through a window, threw nacho cheese on a wall, and scattered chips on the ground in the image of Ron -- the founder and leader of the locally-based Ronatarian Party. About $40 in chips and $7 in nacho cheese were stolen.

Brad was initially charged with burglary, theft of less than $500, vandalism less than $500, and public intoxication and was cited for indecent exposure. After some pleading by Ron -- and stalwart negotiating by fellow party members -- all charges against Brad were dropped. He was released on his own recognizance at noon on Tuesday.

Posted by Bittle at 04:14 PM | TrackBack

July 20, 2004

Double Poem

You might think it irresponsible of
me to drink with a shot of rum in one
hand and a beer in the other, but relax
-- I've got my good knee on the wheel.

(Travis Ruetenik) @ruminate.com

-----------------------------------------------------------------

"I scream! You scream! We all scream for Jim Beam!"
Well, we didn't, actually, but Dad said it was the
only way he could get us kids to shut the hell up.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 09:13 AM | TrackBack

July 19, 2004

Potty Fire!

Blacksville, West Virginia, July 19, 2004:

Warning: open flames in the toilet can be dangerous. A portable toilet exploded Sunday after a man who was inside it lit a match.

Emergency workers said the man was not severely injured and drove himself to Clay-Battelle Community Health Center. Medical records indicate that the man is none other than Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron.

The explosion, which occurred in Blacksville, resulted from a buildup of methane gas inside the portable toilet. The methane did not "take too kindly" to the open flame, said a spokeswoman for Monongalia Emergency Medical Services.

"Neither did Ron," said vice presidential running mate Brad. "We just came down here to stump and press flesh...and something like this happens. It's a real shame."

When asked to comment, the recently released Ron said he "was only doing what my mother taught me to do when I got 'mud-butt' [sic] and I know it's gonna be nasty and stinky. ...I was doing it for the public good."

"Ron knows about combustion and thermal mass transfer," concluded Brad. "I still don't know how this accident could have happened."

Posted by Bittle at 02:55 PM | TrackBack

July 16, 2004

Riding That Bus

Amarillo, Texas, July 16, 2004:

An Ohio man rushed to the front of a Greyhound bus going about 70 mph, yanked on the steering wheel then battled the driver for control because he thought fringe presidential candidate Ron was onboard and in danger of being hijacked, according to court records.

The driver asked for help, and a male passenger detained the man so the driver could call 911, according to the FBI affidavit.

Bryan Luther Thomas, 48, of Columbus, Ohio, was arrested July 13 after the Albuquerque-to-Amarillo bus pulled over near Amarillo on Interstate 40. He was charged in federal court Wednesday with attempting to incapacitate a driver operating a mass transportation vehicle.

Thomas remained in custody Thursday after U.S. Magistrate Clinton E. Averitte ordered him detained pending further court hearings.

Bonnie Gunden, Thomas' court-appointed public defender, declined to comment Thursday.

If convicted, Thomas faces 2 months in prison and a $25 fine.

Posted by Bittle at 08:57 AM | TrackBack

July 14, 2004

Airport Security

Newark, New Jersey, July 14, 2004:

Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron didn't make it through airport security because he couldn't keep his pants on.

Airport police said a security screener was waving a metal-detecting wand over Ron's pants area on Tuesday when Ron pulled his shorts down to his ankles. He wasn't wearing any underwear.

Ron then said, "There, how do you like your [expletive] job now," thus ending the screening, according to the police report. He was initially charged with indecent exposure, but later released on his own recognizance with all charges dropped. "You can thank celebrity for that," Ron said upon his release.

Ron indicated that he was scheduled to attend a "successful campaign function," but would not disclose where or when the event was to take place.

"We've never had anybody do that before," said airport police Lt. Matt Christenson. "But it's not abnormal for people to become frustrated with the screening process."

Ron also became belligerent during the screening, Transportation Security Administration officers told police. One TSA employee also told police that Ron had a note inside a magazine in his bag peppered with expletives, and told a TSA employee "Oh yeah, it's for you" when asked at whom the note was directed.

"This person exposed himself in a public area, a clear violation of decency, and we needed to take some action on that, otherwise everybody would be dropping their pants," Christenson said.

When asked why formal charges were not levied against the Jersey City-based politico, Christenson refused to comment and ended the press conference.

Posted by Bittle at 03:52 PM | TrackBack

July 12, 2004

Shrooms

Waterbury, Connecticut, July 12, 2004:

An enigmatic man ate a bag of hallucinogenic mushrooms and drove around in a pair of stolen cars before arriving, confused, on a mountain in northwest Connecticut police said.

The mysterious N8 hiked to a nearby home Saturday night and asked to call 911, police said.

"I think I stole a car," N8 told a dispatcher. "I'm not sure."

Police said N8 confessed that eating an entire bag of mushrooms, "probably wasn't a good idea." He allegedly told investigators that he had no idea how many laws he broke during a three-day excursion that took him 300 miles from its origin somewhere in Delaware.

N8 has been loosely linked to the offshoot Ronatarian Party of Jersey City, New Jersey. Party officials denied any relationship with N8 and refused further comment.

A peculiar fellow with seemingly endless tales of the macabre and bizarre, N8 told a state trooper that he bought the drugs in Dover on Wednesday, according to the Republican-American of Waterbury (Conn.). The next day, he went for a drive and twice got lost in Connecticut.

He told police he remembers taking a train to LaGuardia Airport in New York, where he found a car with its keys in it. He's unsure where he went from there.

"I once again found myself lost in Connecticut," N8 reportedly told police.

After locking the keys in the stolen car, N8 allegedly stole a van from a Southbury rest stop.

In Canaan, he decided to climb Music Mountain to see what was on the other side, police said. Investigators believe the exercise cleared N8's head — if that seems at all possible.

"I want to correct my mistakes," N8 reportedly told Trooper Andre Roy. "In retrospect, this was a bad idea."

He volunteered a written confession, police said. He was officially reprimanded Monday, but was released with all charges dropped. Both stolen vehicles were recovered.

Anti-Drug Message

Posted by Bittle at 04:15 PM | TrackBack

July 09, 2004

Poem

A new study claims women watching erotic films
are stimulated in parts of the brain that drive
emotion and planning. Probably their brains
are seeing the film and thinking, "Time to
start planning to be pissed off later tonight."

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 06:31 AM | TrackBack