August 31, 2004

Poem

I went off my multiple personality disorder
meds when it occurred to me that multiple
personalities meant multiple orgasms, too.
Now all of me are saying, "Bring it on, baby!"

(Vicki Stanfield) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 01:48 PM | TrackBack

August 26, 2004

Clogged

Port of Sweet Grass, Montana, August 26, 2004:

Ron insists he didn't do it on purpose, but the toilet he left plugged after "nature called" at this border crossing in north-central Montana has him facing criminal charges.

Toole County authorities charged the New Jersey native with criminal mischief after a border agent accused him of intentionally clogging the toilet.

Ron said the clogged piping was completely unintentional, the result of an urgent, but natural bodily function.

"I've never been arrested before or anything like that [sic], and I get arrested for taking a dump," said Ron, the presidential candidate representing the Ronatarian Party.

Ron was returning to the States via Montana from a trip to Lethbridge, Alberta with three friends Wednesday. Port authorities stopped their car for what was apparently a random search. The car's driver -- Ron's running mate Brad -- was cited for illegally transporting mass quantities of alcohol across the international frontier. (He had failed to claim the trunk full of liquor as "Duty Free.")

Ron said he asked to use the bathroom while waiting for Brad.

A short time later, a port inspector discovered the toilet was clogged and threatened charges, Ron said.

John Tim, one of Ron's friends, said he couldn't believe it when border agents first threatened charges.

"I didn't think they were serious at first, I was just laughing so hard," he said.

Port Director Larry Overcast said he could not comment on the case.

Ron said he has hired an attorney and intends to fight the charge. "F*ck this bullsh*t," he said.

Posted by Bittle at 11:37 AM | TrackBack

August 17, 2004

Poem

It's sobering to think there was
a time in this country when women
couldn't vote. I mean, how hard is
it to vote, for crying out loud?!

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 09:14 PM | TrackBack

August 13, 2004

Barbie-4-Prez

New Yok, New York, August 13, 2004:

Barbie thinks she knows who can make a difference in this year's presidential race -- girls -- and she's the one who is going to represent them.

The Mattel doll has thrown her hat into the ring as the candidate of the Party of Girls! She unveiled her platform Thursday at the Toys "R" Us store in Times Square.

She has pledged a campaign that will concentrate on creating world peace, helping the homeless and poor, and taking care of animals.

"What a load of B.S.!" said fellow presidential candidate Ron, who is running on the Ronatarian Party ticket. "How can she honestly expect to win with a flimsy platform like that? It’s a sham candidacy."

Marie C. Wilson, president and founder of the national, nonpartisan The White House Project, said Barbie's campaign shows girls that they can aspire to the highest levels of leadership, including the presidency.

"It allows girls to think about turning Barbie's dream house into the White House," Wilson said in a statement. "Since Barbie is such a large part of girls' lives, we believe it's important to encourage them to become tomorrow's leaders, and Barbie for President sends that message."

"Oh, please!" commented Ron. "Gimme a break."

The White House Project, devoted to advancing women's leadership, recently launched its Go Vote. Go Run. Go Lead. Go Girl. campaign.

Girls can learn the basics of campaigning and the electoral process, and receive information about female political role models and possible leadership activities on the Barbie Web site.

Barbie for President dolls will be available exclusively at Toys "R" Us stores. Her presidential website is www.voterunlead.org.

Posted by Bittle at 09:01 AM | TrackBack

August 05, 2004

Sweating It

Shown: Pres. Bush & Co. after receiving the August 5th returns showing Ron making a strong surge in public opinion polls. According the Perrin Polls, Ron has pulled even with Bush and made the election a three-way race. Beware Bush, beware Kerry...Ron is coming!

Posted by Bittle at 03:27 PM | TrackBack

August 02, 2004

Teasing Tees with T's

Newark, New Jersey, August 2, 2004:

A couple of men returning home from a Puerto Rican vacation were ejected from an American Airlines flight because one man was wearing a T-shirt depicting a bare breast.

Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron and his running mate Brad were forcibly removed from Flight 952 on Sunday after Ron refused to change the shirt or turn it inside out at Miami International Airport.

The two men, who were making a connecting flight, said nobody on their earlier flight objected to the shirt and claimed the airline violated their constitutional right to free speech.

"It's a picture of a man and woman, and the woman's breast is showing," said vice presidential hopeful Brad. "The flight attendant basically walked up to us and yelled, 'You have to take off that shirt right now, you son of a bitch!'"

American spokesman Tim Wagner said Sunday that crew members acted properly, and said the shirt was more graphic than Brad described. The airline gave them a refund, he said.

Wagner noted on American's Web site the policy clearly states that someone who is "clothed in a manner that would cause discomfort or offense to other passengers" can be removed from a flight.

"F*ck American Airlines!" said Ron upon returning to his native state of New Jersey after the ordeal. "Where do they dream up this sh*t? F*ck Bush and his cronies! They have the airlines by the balls after 9/11. This administration is stifling the American dream, for Christ's sake, and as the only person doing anything about it I get sh*t on. That's f*cking justice for you!"

Posted by Bittle at 03:27 PM | TrackBack

August 01, 2004

Poem

Even though I moved away years ago, I never
forgot my kindly elderly neighbor's generosity or
her love of surprises. I know she'll be thrilled
when she gets this anonymous envelope repaying
those four tablespoons of flour I once borrowed.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 09:29 PM