September 30, 2004


If those Davy Crockett coonskin caps
ever come back in style I'm a genius.
If they don't, I'm just another guy
with a garage full of carcasses.

(Curtis Stoddard)

Posted by Bittle at 08:53 AM | TrackBack

September 23, 2004

Riding Under the Influence


Trenton, New Jersey, September 23, 2004:

The state Supreme Court ruled that New Jersey's drunken driving law can't be enforced against people on horseback, a decision that inspired the dissenting justice to wax poetic.

The court ruled Wednesday in a case against two men in Hudson County in 2003. Riders Ron and Brad both high-profile members of the radical Ronatarian Party -- were charged with drunken driving along with a man driving a pickup who allegedly rear-ended the horse Ron was riding away from a bar on a dark road.

All three men failed field sobriety tests, police said, but a judge threw out the charges against Ron and Brad after they successfully argued that the word "vehicles" in the state's drunken-driving law doesn't apply to horses.

Prosecutors said the code specifically includes people riding animals. But the majority justices cited a similar case in Utah, where judges said such a statute is confusing and too vague about which regulations would apply to animals as well as vehicles.

Justice Michael Eskin, who is fond of writing rhyming opinions, summed up the lone dissent with two stanzas mimicking the theme song of "Mister Ed" -- a 1960s TV sitcom about a talking horse:

A horse is a horse, of course, of course,
but the Vehicle Code does not divorce
its application from, perforce,
a steed as my colleagues said.
"It's not vague," I'll say until I'm hoarse,
and whether a car, a truck or horse
this law applies with equal force,
and I'd reverse instead.

"Whatever," said Ron afterwards. "I just wanted it off my record."

Posted by Bittle at 02:27 PM | TrackBack

September 16, 2004

Wigging Out

Wigging Out

Trenton, New Jersey, September 16, 2004:

A man was officially scorned, but not charged, Wednesday for snatching the hairpiece off the head of another man at a restaurant.

Ronatarian Party vice presidential candidate Brad, of Jersey City, sheepishly admitted that what he did was "wrong" and agreed to write a letter of apology.

The victim, Edward Floyd, was sitting in the F'agina restaurant in Trenton that evening when Brad ripped the hairpiece off his head, taking with it a gold chain that hung from his neck, according to court documents.

"Don't these guys have anything better to do than to humiliate someone for absolutely no reason in the world? It's just outrageous," said Floyd, 60, of nearby Princeton. "I'm a nice guy. I don't bother nobody. I vote Republican."

Brad said another man, Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron, also of Jersey City, had offered him $100 to do it as a dare. Ron denied soliciting Brad to lift the hairpiece, but could not keep a straight face while making that statement to the press corps gathered outside the Trenton eatery afterwards.

Ron's lawyer, Andrew Sepe of the law firm Sepe & Shea, said the prank was "an exercise in very poor judgmentbut a funny one nonetheless."

"It's the sort of prank that when you're on the other end -- as Mr. Floyd was -- it's not funny at all," he said with a grin.

Floyd said he is examining the possibility of a lawsuit against Ron; although he said he might drop the idea if Ron apologizes.

"It has literally affected my entire life, and for what? What did I do?" Floyd said.

Posted by Bittle at 02:39 PM | TrackBack

September 15, 2004

The Wiggles

The Wiggles

We, the Wiggles, wholly endorse Ron!

Posted by Bittle at 09:27 AM | TrackBack

September 14, 2004


Some days when I look out my window, the sheer
boundless beauty of nature amazes me. Her
rolling hills, her scenic valleys and her
gently undulating grasslands fill me with
awe and pleasure. On other days, though, my
does-yoga-in-the-nude neighbor has her shades down.

(Brad Wilkerson)

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 11:26 PM

September 10, 2004


Sure, companies say they're sensitive to
their employees' cultural heritages, but
show up on casual Friday wearing a necklace
made from the ears of your vanquished
enemies and all hell breaks loose.

(Brad Wilkerson)

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 12:42 AM

September 07, 2004

The Griere Up There

The Griere Up There

St. Helens, Oregon, September 7, 2004:

A disgruntled potential voter hurled a piece of cheese at Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron during a campaign speech on Monday, telling him he would soon be out of the presidential campaign.

At a Labor Day election stop on the Columbia River, protester Paul Taylor worked his way to the front of a crowd of waiting media before letting rip with his wedge of cheese.

The cheese landed at Ron's feet and did not hurt him.

"It was a griere," said Ron. "I know my cheeses."

Ron was speaking to reporters about his plans to support logging communities in the region.

Taylor said Ron should offer the same support to people hit by other forms of industrial deregulation, and then launched into a tirade against him. The nonsensical comments made by Taylor made Ron only chuckle and smirk.

"On behalf of the working class people in the greater Columbia River Valley I'm going to present this cheese to you because you're past your expiration date and you'll soon be looking for a job," he said.

"The joke's on him," Ron said. "Campaigning is my job right now. How can I lose it? ...Oh, and thanks for the cheese."

It is no secret that Ron is quite fond of all types of cheeses.

It was not immediately clear why Taylor chose to toss cheese at Ron, but the protest came just days after allegations surfaced that one of Ron's opponents -- President George W. Bush -- had branded him a "lying rodent." Also, the deregulation of the dairy industry which started in 2000 is a key issue in the region.

Posted by Bittle at 10:41 AM | TrackBack

September 06, 2004


It was one thing when the diner started
serving "freedom" fries, but with the debut
of "without-us-your-country-would-be" toast,
I think things have gotten out of hand.

(Brad Simanek)

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 09:28 PM

September 01, 2004

Hello, Dolly!

Hello, Dolly!

Bloomington, Minnesota, September 1, 2004:

A man caught having sex with a blow-up doll in The Mall of America had to be physically parted from his rubber lover and escorted away, said police in Minneapolis Wednesday.

The 30-something man was caught with his trousers down early Tuesday evening after alarmed witnesses alerted the police.

The man was identified as the enigmatic N8 -- a mysterious individual loosely tied to the Ronatarian Party. Ronatarian headquarters refused to comment on the incident.

"It was real...N8 was caught in mid-action with the doll," said a press spokeswoman for the mall. Police said that they had considerable difficulty separating the drunken man from his partner.

Less than 24 hours after being in police custody, the wily N8 escaped his captors and is, again, at large.

Posted by Bittle at 02:47 PM | TrackBack