October 29, 2004

Soothsayer Says

New Delhi, India, October 29, 2004:

Surveys in the United States may be showing the race for president as too close to call but top Indian astrologers say the planets have clearly made up their mind: Ron will win.

Planets governing President Bush are eclipsed and in an uncomfortable position, making his tenure controversial and his re-election bid unsuccessful, the soothsayers said on Friday, four days before the vote. Those of Democratic challenger Senator John Kerry were also misaligned -- leaning far to the left, in fact.

On the other hand, the planets of Ronatarian Party candidate Ron were in the ascendant, ensuring him success in competitions.

"Saturn, which is the lord of health and fortune for President Bush, has been eclipsed by the Sun, which is unfortunate and gives him a clear defeat," Lachhman Das Madan, editor of a popular astrology magazine, told The New Jersey Spew newspaper.

"Ron will win," said Madan, who is also known as "the emperor of astrologers." "It is cosmic writ that George W. Bush cannot become president of United States again. As for John Kerry...he has no chance. I saw him eat the meat of a cow!"

Ajai Bhambi, a senior astrologer and author of several books on the science of predictions, agreed.

"Ron is likely to beat Bush and Kerry in the final verdict," he told the New Indian Express newspaper. "I see signs of a sock puppet making headlines during the elections, too...but nothing to shake your turban over."

Bejan Daruwalla, another top astrologer, told Reuters he had yet to calculate who would win Tuesday's election. But Bush, even if he won, would not be allowed by his planets to complete a full term, he said.

Astrology is extremely popular in India and many top politicians, businessmen and movie stars consult astrologers before taking important decisions.

Posted by Bittle at 02:25 PM

Halloween 2004

Happy Halloween from Ronatarian Party Headquarters in Jersey City, New Jersey!

Posted by Bittle at 09:35 AM

October 27, 2004

Poem

I'm writing a play about hookers
moving from New York to Las Vegas.
I'm calling it "Westward Ho."

(Jeff Lyons) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 02:53 PM

October 21, 2004

Varmints

Jersey City, New Jersey, October 21, 2004:

A man missed a mouse he was trying to shoot with a small-caliber handgun and wounded his roommate instead, state police said.

Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron was trying to kill the rodent with a .22-caliber handgun when his vice presidential candidate Brad apparently went into the line of fire and was hit in the arm early Wednesday morning, state police said.

Brad was taken to a local hospital where he was listed in fair condition Wednesday, said hospital spokesman Greg Chiappelli.

Neither Ron nor Brad could immediately be reached for comment.

State police said they won't charge Ron, but advised against people shooting firearms inside.

Posted by Bittle at 11:34 AM | TrackBack

October 19, 2004

Poem

I don't claim to be some kind of expert on the
subconscious or anything, but I'm pretty sure that
dream where Joe Camel is eating a corn dog while
walking his dachshund means I should probably
spend less time in the men's sauna at the gym.

(Brad Wilkerson) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 09:04 PM

October 18, 2004

Pyramid

Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, October 18, 2004:

Prosecutors dropped the charges Friday against six men arrested for protesting the Abu Ghraib prison-abuse scandal by stripping down to their thong underwear and forming a human pyramid during a visit by President Bush.

The men were all identified as Ronatarian Party members and volunteers. The off-beat party’s founder and leader Ron was on the top of the pyramid in an American flag thong.

Many critics feel the act was merely a political stunt to bring awareness to the radical political agenda brought forward by the Ronatarians.

"Hogwash!" said Ron.

Lancaster County District Attorney Donald R. Totaro said prosecutors would not have been able to prove the defendants' actions served "no legitimate purpose" -- a requirement under the state's disorderly conduct law.

"The mere presence of unwilling viewers does not determine whether unwelcome views are prohibited from public forums," he said.

He said that pressing charges "would only serve to advance the agenda of six protesters through a very public forum."

American Civil Liberties Union attorney Paula Knudsen, who represented Ron, said: "We're pleased that the charges have been withdrawn and that the district attorney recognized the importance of the First Amendment values at stake."

Ron added, "Damn right! The First Amendment is the cornerstone of our democracy here in America. If people don't want to see my lily-white ass protesting those prison atrocities, they can go suck eggs!"

The men, ages 29 to 34, were arrested along the motorcade route during a July 9 visit by Bush to an elementary school in Amish country, about an hour west of Philadelphia. They were recreating an image from photos taken inside the prison near Baghdad in which Iraqi prisoners were abused by U.S. captors.

Knudsen said East Lampeter Township Police violated the defendants' constitutional right to free speech.

If convicted, the men could have received up to 90 days in jail and a $300 fine.

"But we beat the rap," smiled a contented Ron.

Posted by Bittle at 10:21 AM | TrackBack

October 14, 2004

Emin-enemy

Jersey City, New Jersey, October 14, 2004:

Ron is angered by the way he is mocked in rapper Eminem's recently released video "Just Lose It" and has asked cable music stations to remove the video from their rotations.

In the video, Eminem is costumed as Ron and is seen with a group of boys in the background, jumping around as he sings about shaving off his mustache: "Come here, little kiddie, in my barber's chair. Guess who's back with less facial hair."

"I am very angry at Eminem's depiction of me in his video," Ron said Wednesday in an interview with Jersey City radio station 91.3 FM. "I feel that it is outrageous and disrespectful. It is one thing to spoof, but it is another to be demeaning and insensitive. That's my mustache, man!"

Also in the video, Eminem ridicules a near-tragic car wreck during Ron's 2000 presidential campaign (See Oh, the Humanity!) and hair salon accident in which Ron's hair was horribly disfigured in 2002 (See Bad Hair Day).

Only Black Entertainment Television has agreed to pull the video. The network's president and founder, Robert Johnson, said he felt it was inappropriate to disparage a pseudo-celebrity.

Posted by Bittle at 01:00 PM | TrackBack

October 12, 2004

Poem

Sure, "In space no one can hear you scream,"
but duct-taped to a locker with a jock strap
stuffed in your mouth, no one can hear you
scream either. Friggin' high-school gym class.

(Rob Bodine) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 12:31 AM

October 09, 2004

Poem

I was reluctant to try the new cannibal
restaurant down the street, because I don't eat
a lot of meat. The waiter suggested I order the
meat and fish combination, and he was absolutely
right. The "Surf 'n' Murph" was terrific.

(Pat Sajak) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 03:39 PM

October 07, 2004

Poem

My greatest dream is to be able to understand
all the animals, just like Doctor Doolittle.
But first I'll have to figure out a good
way to tune out the chickens and cows who'd
be constantly begging me not to eat them.

(Bob Van Voris) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 08:42 PM

Pouring Gas on the Fire

Jersey City, New Jersey, October 7, 2004:

If you can't stand the heat, don't pour gasoline down the toilet. An apartment tenant made that $10,000 mistake Wednesday.

Ronatarian vice presidential candidate Brad came home for lunch and found gas leaking from the tank of his car -- a tricked out Dodge Neon. He caught the gas, and decided to dispose of it by dumping it down the toilet.

But the pilot light of a water heater ignited the fumes, causing a small explosion. The blast destroyed the porcelain toilet, and the intense heat from the flames melted the remaining pieces.

Brad was able to get out of the home before the fire spread.

Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron offered to put up his running mate at his residence while Brad’s housing situation is being rectified.

"I wish this was the first time something like this has happened," sighed Ron. "He owes me big time."

Officials said gasoline and kerosene should never be poured into the drain or toilet or sewer system.

Posted by Bittle at 10:52 AM | TrackBack

October 06, 2004

Poem

I'm all for increased airport security,
and I'm sure there are reasons for
each of the recently added measures.
Still, I've got no clue what that German
shepherd was supposedly detecting by bouncing
up and down while grappling my leg.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 02:49 PM | TrackBack

October 04, 2004

Hungry for Ron

Santa Monica, California, October 4, 2004:

A peace activist who once fasted for 63 days to protest movie violence and war toys is launching another hunger strike to persuade Ron to abandon his presidential bid.

Jerry Rubin, 60, said he plans to consume only liquids from Wednesday until November 2 if Ron doesn't take a meeting with him.

"I know Ron and I don't think he's doing the right thing," Rubin said Saturday. He said the former party boy and Lucent engineer's campaign is dividing the progressive political movement.

"Never heard of the guy," said Ron to a reporter while at a Shoney's all-you-can-eat feast. "The political movement I am championing is for the disenfranchised. I am speaking up for the downtrodden. He's obviously a loon."

Some institutionalized Americans believe the votes Ron received in New Jersey affected the 2000 presidential election. No proof of that can be found anywhere.

The peace activist Rubin is no stranger to hunger strikes: In 1988, he broke a two-month fast with a bite from a giant pizza topped with a pepperoni peace sign that he then left for "Rambo" star Sylvester Stallone.

He again fasted in 1990 to persuade movie studio Columbia Pictures to make a sequel to the movie "Ishtar." He collapsed after 26 days and Columbia never made the picture -- to the chagrin of few.

Posted by Bittle at 02:14 PM | TrackBack