Oh, the Humanity!

Atlanta, Georgia: October 21, 2000

The photo above depicts the damage done to the Ron tour bus shortly after sunset last Saturday in Georgia. John Tim, the new bus driver, accounts the details of what happened:

"We were on our way to Six Flags Great Adventure where we were going to hand out candy to strange children. You see, Ron has this great idea to banish the backwards thinking which the government has forced into everybody's heads that it's wrong to accept candy from strangers. Hell, every kid in America has to live in fear of everybody they meet on the streets. It's just not right.

"So there we were, driving down the highway. Ron and Brad were in the back of the bus putting on their makeup. The others were doing whatever, you know, like getting the truckers to honk and flexing for the other cars going by. None of my ROTC experience prepared me for that old lady with the Gore bumper sticker who swerved into the lane right in front of me!

"Before I knew it, the bus was sideswiped off the road, flipped 7 or 8 times, and we're smack in the middle of one of those paint ball tournaments. The bus is on fire now, Brad's got lipstick smeared all over his face. Ron was thrown clear out an open window and there's this 'buckle up' street sign speared right through the seat Ron was sitting in. If he had been wearing his seatbelt, he'd have been killed for sure. I'm sure he's going to campaign to get rid of those crazy seatbelt laws now for sure.

"That's when I notice the gas has leaked down and set some other jeep on fire and there's some angry men coming out of the woods with large rifles. Hell, I didn't know they were paint guns. My shoulder's dislocated and I think blood had filled up my left ear and I hear Ron yelling out 'Democrats!'. That's when I blacked out.

"So we wake up and it's daylight. Everybody's alive but covered with paintball gook. The Ron bus is there all bashed up but the burnt jeep is gone. On the windshield of the bus is a note saying 'drop the campaign or else'. Ron's pissed as all hell. We hitchhike to the nearest police station and find that they're denying that anything happened. Those shitbags even kept the press from leaking the story."

Ron's dedicated to get back on the campaign trail and vows not to let this "personal assault by that bastard Gore" stop him from winning the elections in November. Local Ron supporters gathered together and donated a new vehicle for the Ron tour with a more solid exterior and aerodynamic stability. Dubbed the "Ron Bug", it is not yet known if it will be used for the remainder of the tour due to minimal seating, but will work fine for the short term.

Posted by Webmaster at October 21, 2000 07:51 PM

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