November 29, 2004

Poem

When I get a college brochure, the first thing
I look for is racial diversity. If I don't see
a few minority faces in the pictures, I toss
it aside, because who wants to go to some
podunk college that can't even afford Photoshop?

(Bill Muse) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 09:14 PM

November 25, 2004

Poem

Some men see things as they are and ask,
"Why?" Some men dream of things that
never were and ask, "Why not?" I dream of
Lucy Liu and ask, "Is she hot or what?"

(Bill Fordes) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 12:50 AM

November 23, 2004

Poem

In theory, saying, "I'm not actually a gynecologist,
but I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night," to my
patients is quite humorous. In practice, it seems
to land me in court a bit more than I care for.

(Ben Hall) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 09:48 PM

Cheese Vandals

Monkton, Vermont, November 23, 2004:

Wanted: Cheese vandals. Someone sneaked into the production house at Orb Weaver Farm and punctured 237 wheels of cheese there.

The cheese, a blend of havarti and colby that made up nearly a year's production at the farm, can no longer be sold or eaten because of the contamination last week.

"I'm speechless," said a distraught Ron -- a known lover of all types of cheeses. "I mean, who would do such a thing? Was it bin Laden!?! I swear if Tom Ridge or Condoleezza Rice knew about a possible attack like this and didn't do anything to prevent it, I'll kill them! That's their f*cking job, man!"

Ron then broke down into a sobbing mess and had to be consoled by his longtime partner Brad.

Orb Weaver Farm's Vermont Farmhouse Cheese is sold to local restaurants and stores. It was used in a recipe for macaroni and cheese in the recent cookbook "The Way We Cook: Recipes from the New American Kitchen."

"What a mindless loss of cheese," Ron concluded while wiping away his tears. "The horror, the horror..."

A sizeable cash reward is being offered for information leading to an arrest. The Orb Weaver Farm and the Ronatarian Party are putting up the money and spearheading the charge to find the culprits.

Posted by Bittle at 11:51 AM

November 18, 2004

Poem

I often remember the wise words my grandma
shared with me: "Take hold of your destiny.
It's right there in front of you. No,
to your right a little. Your OTHER right,
Einstein! Grab it, you STUPID IDIOT!"

(Karl Bean) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 08:31 PM

November 17, 2004

Leaf Rage

Jersey City, New Jersey, November 17, 2004:

Perhaps it's just a seasonal affliction, but a man has been officially warned by police in what was described as a "leaf rage" incident.

Ronatarian Party leader Ron became angry when city employees told him they would not remove leaves from his property, police said. He had to be physically restrained Tuesday after confronting town workers clearing leaves in his neighborhood.

Operations supervisor Robert Gerbert said Ron was a "raving maniac."

"He grabbed my jacket and said, 'You're not going anywhere,'" Gerbert said. "The guy was spitting and swearing -- it was the most disgusting scene I've ever seen."

Ron said he's frustrated that his leaves have not been picked up in the more than five years he has lived at his home.

"I went berserk. I got very angry," Ron said. "After 5 years, things build up. I am a taxpayer. ...All I am trying to do is get a service that's being offered to all of my neighbors. This is the kind of shit that made me run for president."

Officials said the leaves weren't collected because they were on Ron's right of way, not the street where workers collect them, officials said.

City worker Jim Crabb said crews would have likely come back to Ron's home -- perhaps later that day -- to pick up the leaves had he asked politely.

"We're not big, mean ogres," he said.

Police could have charged Ron with breach of peace, a misdemeanor, but decided a stern warning would suffice.

"He is a public figure," Jersey City Police spokeswoman Pam Caron told reporters. "We don't need any more attention brought to this case than there already is. ...Plus, he must be awfully disappointed he didn't win the presidency. He's a powder keg waiting to blow. We don't need to set him off."

Highways Division Supervisor Michael Zarba said he could not recall a similar dispute over leaf pickups in his eight years on the job.

"There have been issues where we've had to talk to residents and tried to calm them down, but nothing where we've had to call police," he said. "People get very emotional about leaves."

Frank Fedeli, supervisor of the Citizens' Service Center, said Ron called the center after his official wrist-slap to complain that his leaves had still not been picked up.

"That's chutzpah," Fedeli said.

Posted by Bittle at 11:19 AM

November 15, 2004

Poem

I try to look at the bright side of things.
For example, that burning sensation when I
urinate keeps my urethra warm in the winter.

(Brad Wilkerson) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 01:47 AM

November 11, 2004

Poem

I guess the story would have been far
less interesting if Pinocchio hadn't
been such a lying little sack of shit.

(Mark Dockham) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 11:22 PM

November 04, 2004

Ron Supporters Blame Electoral Defeat On Bush & Kerry

Jersey City, New Jersey, November 4, 2004:

Supporters of presidential candidate Ron blamed his defeat Tuesday on George W. Bush and John Kerry, claiming that the two candidates "ate up" his share of the electoral votes. "This election was stolen out from under Ron by Bush and Kerry, who diverted his votes to the right and the left," the Ronatarian campaign manager Bittle said. "It's an outrage. If Ron were the only candidate, he would be president right now." In his concession speech, Ron is expected to characterize Bush and Kerry as "spoilers" and "political hacks."

Posted by Bittle at 11:05 AM | TrackBack

November 03, 2004

Convert!

Columbus, Ohio, November 3, 2004:

A man leaped into a lion's den at the Columbus Zoo on Wednesday morning to try to convert the king of beasts to Ronatarianism, but was bitten in the leg for his efforts.

"Ron will save you!" the 46-year-old Ohioan shouted at two African lions lounging under a tree a few feet away.

"Come bite me!" he said with both hands raised, television footage showed.

One of the lions, a large male with a shaggy mane, bit the man in his right leg before zoo workers drove it off with water hoses and tranquilizer guns.

Apparently, the man was upset at the "voting fiasco" in his home state. "Ron's the winner!" he kept repeating after the ordeal. "One more vote!"

Authorities believe the man is referring the Ronatarian presidential candidate and the fact that he believes one more vote could sway Ohio's 20 electoral votes to Ron.

The man is currently being evaluated for mental capacity and sanity.

Ron polled very poorly during this election. Many voters denied even recognizing his candidacy as valid. He was not legally on the ballot in any of the 50 states or the District of Columbia.

Ron could not be found for comment. It is rumored that he has holed up in a northern New Jersey bar to "drown his sorrows."

Newspapers said that the lions had been fed earlier in the day, otherwise the man might have been more seriously hurt...or worse.

Posted by Bittle at 11:26 AM

November 02, 2004

Monkey Business

Des Moines, Iowa, November 2, 2004:

Two baby marmosets, who made their debut at the Blank Park Zoo on Monday, have been named Ron and Brad -- for the 2000 and 2004 Ronatarian Party ticket candidates Ron and Brad.

"We wanted to find a unique way to commemorate the times these candidates monkeyed around in Iowa," quipped Terry Rich, chief executive officer at the zoo.

"This has been a wild campaign," he added.

"Did we even go to Iowa?" a quizzical Ron said at an Election Day press conference in Newark, New Jersey. "I don't remember being there or even courting the massive 'hick vote' that is so prevalent in the Midwest."

The tiny monkeys, born eight weeks ago, are twins -- not that uncommon in marmosets, Rich said. They were kept under close watch until deemed healthy enough to put on exhibit -- which just happened to fall on the eve of Tuesday's election.

Native to Brazil, marmosets eat fruit, leaves, seeds and insects. They live to be 15 to 20 years old, and have sent pads to mark their territory.

"They stay in lifelong family groups," he said. "They're very family oriented."

"Again…not like me -- or Brad for that matter -- at all," Ron said. "For the most part, I hate my family."

The Weid marmoset is identified by the white tufts on its ears, Rich said. When fully grown, each of the marmosets will about a foot long -- and their tails will be as long as their bodies.

"I think one of them smiled, which probably indicates they've got a little political streak in them," he said.

Posted by Bittle at 10:50 AM

November 01, 2004

Poem

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful,
committed citizens can change the world --
or that monkeys have been cleared
by the tower to fly out of my ass.
Stop kidding yourself, Dr. Do-good.

(Mr. Sun) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 08:52 PM

Kick the Habit

Durango, Colorado, November 1, 2004:

A part-time college instructor has apologized for kicking a student because he was wearing a Ronatarian shirt.

Fort Lewis College student Mark O'Donnell said he was showing people his College Ronatarians sweatshirt, which said "Party with us now…party with us later," when Maria Spero kicked him in the leg at an off-campus restaurant.

Spero then said "she should have kicked me harder and higher," said O'Donnell. "To physically take that out on someone because you disagree with them, that is completely wrong."

Police Sgt. Mitch Higgins said Saturday that O'Donnell wanted to press charges and a misdemeanor summons would be issued.

Spero, a visiting instructor of modern languages, apologized to O'Donnell in a letter dated October 30.

"I acted entirely inappropriately by kicking you, giving vent to a thoughtless knee-jerk political reaction that should never have happened," she wrote. "Before the incident, I did not know you and that you are a Fort Lewis student."

The college also formally apologized, said David Eppich, assistant to the school's president.

O'Donnell said the apology wasn't enough and he plans to file a complaint with the college.

The only phone number listed in Durango for the surname Spero was constantly busy Saturday.

Neither the Durango police nor Ronatarian Party Headquarters (in New Jersey) returned calls seeking comment.

Posted by Bittle at 10:09 AM

Poem

With the election coming up, I'm going to
do everything I can to help my candidate
win -- except drive elderly people to the
polls, though, because once that teetering-
on-the-verge-of-death geezer smell gets
into your upholstery, you can forget
about ever getting chicks to put out.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 12:22 AM