Cheese Vandals

Monkton, Vermont, November 23, 2004:

Wanted: Cheese vandals. Someone sneaked into the production house at Orb Weaver Farm and punctured 237 wheels of cheese there.

The cheese, a blend of havarti and colby that made up nearly a year's production at the farm, can no longer be sold or eaten because of the contamination last week.

"I'm speechless," said a distraught Ron -- a known lover of all types of cheeses. "I mean, who would do such a thing? Was it bin Laden!?! I swear if Tom Ridge or Condoleezza Rice knew about a possible attack like this and didn't do anything to prevent it, I'll kill them! That's their f*cking job, man!"

Ron then broke down into a sobbing mess and had to be consoled by his longtime partner Brad.

Orb Weaver Farm's Vermont Farmhouse Cheese is sold to local restaurants and stores. It was used in a recipe for macaroni and cheese in the recent cookbook "The Way We Cook: Recipes from the New American Kitchen."

"What a mindless loss of cheese," Ron concluded while wiping away his tears. "The horror, the horror..."

A sizeable cash reward is being offered for information leading to an arrest. The Orb Weaver Farm and the Ronatarian Party are putting up the money and spearheading the charge to find the culprits.

Posted by Bittle at November 23, 2004 11:51 AM