You people probably have no idea how infrequently Ron comes to get his teeth cleaned. I'll have to be honest and tell you that it isn't very often.
Ron has had a rough year. Another election, another loss. Taking it in stride, as Ron is wont to do, Ron has been drinking heavily.
Yesterday Ron came in for another one of his unscheduled checkups. I think it was just to ogle my new hygienist, but that's another story. When Ron came this time he brought a video of his new favorite song.
America, this one's from Ron!!!
There I was, holding up a bank,
three people already dead and
the bomb ticking away in the back
room, when it suddenly hit me...
Santa was watching the whole thing!
(Jerry L. Embry) @ruminate.com
Posted by Ron's Dentist at 11:14 PM
Jersey City, New Jersey, December 16, 2004:
A 68-year-old retiree who tussled with a man half his age over the man's foul language in a restaurant was sentenced to probation -- but outside of that, he's been treated more like a hero than a criminal.
Bill Stephens said the fracas began in November when he and another retired 3M engineer, 62-year-old Stan Gable, were having coffee at a bagel shop. In walked 30-something Ron, talking on a cell phone and liberally using four-letter words, the men said. Ron is the founder of a radical political group known as the Ronatarian Party.
In an interview after the incident, Ron said he didn't recall cursing. But Stephens and Gable remember it differently.
"There was an argument on the phone," Stephens said. "The third time he walked by our booth, Mr. Gable said to me, 'Should I do something about it?'"
So Gable tapped Ron on the shoulder and asked him to take his call outside, Stephens said. But Ron, who was with his political sidekick Brad at the time, dismissed him. Stephens said he got involved when Ron continued to shout obscenities.
"I've been in lots of different places, but when I heard that kind of stuff coming in my hometown, I thought, 'Somebody's got to do something,'" Stephens said.
Stephens grabbed the phone from Ron and the two men engaged in a few seconds of tug-of-war. Thinking better of it, Stephens said he let go and Ron "went sailing across the floor."
"That's not what happened at all," Ron countered. "I slipped on a banana peel...that old fart couldn't toss my salad, not to mention me!"
Stephens pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct Wednesday and was given three months of probation. But even the lawyers at Hudson County Court were giving him thumbs-up signs as he left the courtroom, he said.
"I've had over 30 calls and letters and e-mails, and I've not had one negative call. They're all on my side," Stephens said.
"Who cares..." commented Ron about the support Stephens is reportedly receiving. "He's an asshole, anyway."
Gable was acquitted of disorderly conduct charges last month.
Stephens claims Ron "mocked me about being an old man."
"I just sat there and drank my coffee," Stephens said. "I thought, 'You can think what you want, mister, but a couple of senior citizens stood up to you, and we ought to get a little bit more respect.'"
"Damnit, I hate old people," muttered Ron as he ended his comments to the press.
Posted by Bittle at 11:46 AM
So there I was, in the bus station restroom,
when I got this great idea for a novel. It's
about a girl who's sitting there, broken-hearted,
waiting for some guy to call her for a good time.
(Mike Cunningham) @ruminate.com
Posted by Ron's Dentist at 08:40 PM
Paris, France, December 13, 2004:
It's official: The French government has officially declared Gallic body odor a "national treasure."
"We're as excited as skunks in an outhouse," says French historian Jean-Pierre LeCoq. "We are proud of our offensive odor. It's way overdue that along with the Eiffel Tower and Notre Dame Cathedral French body aroma is taking its rightful place as one of our country's most important assets."
Ronatarian Party leader Ron -- a noted spokesman against France and the French -- said he was disgusted by the declaration. "Why the f*cking French need to exult in their stench is beyond me," he said to a throng of domestic and international media reporters. "God, I hate them."
Fabian Beauchamp, 59, has lived in Paris all his life. "France is the most beautiful country in the world," he says. "I stroll along the Champs Elysees and smell the fragrant onions and garlic on the croissants of passersby, combined with the smell that wafts from beneath their arms. To me that is pure heaven. I am alive in France. I stink, therefore I am."
Deodorant salespersons and manufacturers are up to their armpits in grief. "It's not fair," one of them laments. "We came to France to freshen up the stinking masses, but now they pass this national treasure crap. It ain't fair. Worshiping B.O. stinks and so do the French."
Ron could only shake his head in disgust. "See? See what I mean, man? ...Right now, the French are killing our deodorant futures here in the States. Companies base their future earnings on projected deodorant use here and abroad. This can't be helping their stock values."
Wall Street remained unaffected.
Posted by Bittle at 02:06 PM
I obeyed my dog's orders when he
instructed me to kill those people.
But I'm putting my foot down regarding
his command to drink out of the toilet.
(Miles Walker) @ruminate.com
Posted by Ron's Dentist at 04:31 AM
Jersey City, New Jersey, December 10, 2004:
A radical political leader who police say smeared excrement on dollars bills used to pay a parking ticket has been fined $250.
Ronatarian Party founder Ron was charged with harassment of a public official after officials received an envelop in November labeled "Foreign brown substance on bills." The envelope contained several dollar bills and a parking ticket made up to Ron, police said.
Tests indicated the brown substance was fecal matter that had been smeared on the bills.
Ron told police the money fell into a toilet and was retrieved to pay the $5 parking ticket, police said.
Assistant Hudson County Attorney Heidi Von Wiener had sought the maximum $500 fine and 30 days in jail for Ron.
"Something this disgusting requires more from the court than a minimum fine. This was a snub at law enforcement officers who are just doing their job," Von Wiener said.
Ron's lawyer, Andrew Sepe, said his client had a "serious error in judgment."
"He was vexed at getting parking tickets left and right and didn't consider what he did a criminal act," Sepe said. "Having said that, we are happy that this issue has been resolved with my client's name unsullied."
Associate Judge Gus Snyder said Ron demonstrated "immature behavior unbecoming a professional person."
"It's hard to put this case into perspective because people seem to get more riled up about parking tickets than anything else," Snyder said. "This is a public heath issue which shouldn't have happened."
Ron declined to comment on the incident. No charges aside from the fine were levied against him.
Posted by Bittle at 01:37 PM
Jersey City, New Jersey, December 7, 2004:
A small time political headquarters faces a lawsuit from neighbors who claim that it is a public nuisance. Twenty-two neighbors of Ronatarian Party Headquarters, a dilapidated house used by Ronatarian Party volunteers and staffers, are seeking $500 each, or $11,000 total, in small claims court. A hearing is scheduled for Friday.
The neighbors say they have endured years or raucous pool parties, nighttime bong drumming, outdoor naked "beer pong," and garbage that attracts rats.
Disturbances described range from the beheading of a chicken with garden shears to Ronatarian Party members flinging chunks of a cooked pig at passing cars. Neighbors also say they heard one man on a rooftop deck yelling, "Where's Bonadio?" and "I like small boys!"
Assistant City Manager Jane Haynes said the house has received several notices of violation from the city, and pressure from the city has forced the it to recently reduce the number of its residents from 11 to 4.
But Andrew Sepe, a lawyer who often represents the Ronatarian Party, told The New Jersey Spew that activity at Ronatarian Party Headquarters "is pretty much identical to what happens in every political headquarters in the nation."
Sepe also said that most of the claims are "overblown" and "too old to justify damages." Residents and frequent visitors insist that they have tried to mollify neighbors by prohibiting "intrusive" noise past 11 p.m. on weekdays and 2 a.m. on weekends.
"There's quite a respect for the rules," said a resident identified only as 70's Man, the house manager.
A local -- and now defunct -- LaRouche Party house was shuttered in 2000 after well-publicized drug overdoses and a lawsuit by its neighbors. That house was known for its nude parties where objects ranging from bottles to clothes dryers were thrown out of the building.
Posted by Bittle at 11:25 AM