January 30, 2005

Poem

It's better to be a red person in a blue state
than a blue person in a red state. As a red
person, if your blue neighbors turn into a mob
at least you have a gun to protect yourself.
As a blue person, your only hope is to appease
the red mob with herbal tea and marinated tofu.

(Phil Garding) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 09:04 PM

January 28, 2005

Gay (Meaning Happy) Paris

Taipei, Taiwan, January 28, 2005:

A Taiwanese spiritual leader said on Thursday he had used his magical powers to take an American politician on a tour of Paris without going there physically.

The guru, Sung Chi-li, is famous for claiming that he can appear in more than one place at a time -- an effect he calls his "split body."

Sung told reporters he took Brad, of the radical Ronatarian Party, on a "cosmos-roaming" tour of Paris, including a stop at the Eiffel Tower, during a gathering at another follower's home earlier this year.

"It was no illusion," Sung told TVBS cable news. "You could touch the tower and feel the cast iron."

The China Times newspaper quoted Sung as saying, "I asked [Brad] if he saw the Eiffel Tower, a men's bathhouse, and the spirit of Jerry Lewis and he said 'sorta.'"

(Jerry Lewis is still not dead upon the completion of this article.)

Brad wouldn't directly comment on Sung's claims.

"You can take this as fodder for a joke after a meal," he told reporters. "I know you hyenas love twisting facts and making me the butt of jokes in your pathetic, demented world. Only Sung and I know what really happened."

Sung was convicted by the Taipei District court seven years ago on fraud charges by claiming his "split body" could go anywhere at his will.

Some of Sung's estranged followers accused him of homosexuality and cheating people into making donations with fake pictures that he said proved his supernatural powers.

But the High Court overturned the decision, saying law enforcement agencies should not attempt to prove or disprove self-proclaimed supernatural powers.

Rontarian Party leader Ron said he thinks "the whole thing stinks. The French stink. (See The French Stink) This Chinese dude stinks. What the f*ck is going on in this crazy world these days? I need to knock some sense into Brad. He's gotten weird lately."

Posted by Bittle at 10:20 AM

January 26, 2005

Oil Crisis

Jersey City, New Jersey, January 26, 2005:

In what police say was homage to the movie "Old School," carousing Ronatarian Party members were found in their headquarters' basement with an inflatable pool, a St. Bernard dog named Alex, a whole lot of baby oil, and women in bikinis.

Police came upon the scene early Sunday after responding to a noise complaint.

"Inside were several of America's future, re-enacting a scene from the movie 'Old School,' where females wrestle in a pool of lubricants," police Sgt. D. Gunter said. In their version, the radical political group apparently opted for baby oil.

Officers said they cleared the house of the 200 revelers, sending some of the women home in the subfreezing temperatures in nothing more than the bikinis they wore.

"70's Man", the house manager who lives at the address, was charged with violating the city's noise ordinance, a misdemeanor that carries a $50 fine.

There has been ongoing tension between the Ronatarians and residents of the neighborhood. Other weekend parties and activities at the party’s headquarters have resulted in numerous complaints and noise ordinance charges (See Bad Neighbors).

Posted by Bittle at 09:10 AM

January 25, 2005

Poem

I was pretty impressed that Jesus fed the masses
from only five loaves and two fishes until I went to
Communion and saw what He considers a serving size.

(Marsha Clodfelter) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 10:42 PM

January 17, 2005

Poem

The only reason all those anti-drug bills
keep getting passed is because most of us
pro-drug people are too messed up to vote.

(Bill Fluharty) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 08:03 PM

January 14, 2005

Career Day

Jersey City, New Jersey, January 14, 2005:

The principal of a Jersey City middle school may not invite a popular speaker back to an annual career day after he told girls they could earn a good living as strippers.

Politician and Ronatarian Party founder Ron told eighth-graders at Nesbit Middle School on Thursday that stripping and exotic dancing can pay $250,000 or more per year, depending on their bust size.

"It's true," Ron said in an interview later. "I'm not making this stuff up. The truth of the matter is you can earn a tremendous amount of money as an exotic dancer, if that's your desire. Hell, I'm all for it…free enterprise and all."

Ron has given a quasi-popular 55-minute presentation, "Life: Deal With It," at the school's career day the past three years. He counsels students to get away from society's norms and experiment with a variety of interests until they discover something they love and excel in.

But school principal Joseph Di Salvo said Ron may not be back next year.

The principal said Ron's comments to the class came after some of them asked him to expand on why he included "exotic dancing" on his list of 140 potential careers.

Ron spent about five minute answering questions, defining strippers and exotic dancers synonymously. According to Jason Garcia, 14, he told students: "For every 2 inches up there, you should get another $50,000 on your salary."

"A couple of students egged him and he took it hook, line and sinker," said Di Salvo, who also said the students took advantage of a substitute teacher overseeing the session.

"It's totally inappropriate," Di Salvo said. "It's not OK by me. I would want my presenters to kind of understand that they are coming into a career day for eighth-graders."

That stripping advice wasn't the only thing that riled parents. Di Salvo said one mother said she was outraged when her son announced that he was forgoing college for a field he loves: pornography.

"He really focused on finding what you really love to do," said Mariah Cannon, 13.

Ron said he does no think he offended any of the students: "Eighth-grade kids are not dumb," he said. "They are pretty worldly."

Posted by Bittle at 10:39 AM

January 11, 2005

Duck Hunt

Rogers, Arkansas, January 11, 2004:

There's a reason Mom says to always have a fresh pair of underwear. A New Jersey-based politician learned this week that it's to attract rescue helicopters.

Ronatarian Party founder and recent presidential candidate Ron found himself lost in the flooded backwoods of Bayou Meto this week while duck hunting with his friend's Labrador retriever, J.J. Walker.

He only managed to make it out by tying his white briefs to the end of his gun barrel and waving them at an Arkansas State Police helicopter.

Decked out in full camouflage hunting gear, Ron was practically invisible as the helicopter made several passes at dusk.

"They had passed over me a couple of times," he told the New Jersey Spew after he was safe and sound back at his party headquarters in Jersey City, N.J. "I knew I had to do something to get their attention…goddamn rednecks."

Anticipating a cold night in the wilderness, Ron drank dirty bayou water and ate a raw duck breast before he was spotted.

Ron had been in the flooded timberland near Hollowell Reservoir for about 11 hours when he was rescued. He went out with two elders from the Mormon Church and had already shot a couple of ducks when he and the dog spotted a host of ducks a few hundred yards away. After killing and bagging four of them, he realized he was stranded because the boat was gone.

"I started walking in the general direction of where the boat was, but it wasn't," Ron said. "Those mother f*ckers left me in the lurch! Never again…I don't trust those Mormons as far as I can throw 'em. I should have known it was a set-up."

To Ron's chagrin, no charges are expected to be filed against the two men from the Church of Latter Day Saints.

Ron concluded that if it hadn't been for the police, "I would have probably frozen my nuts off out there. I'm gonna make those assholes pay for ditching me. Mark my words!"

Posted by Bittle at 11:24 AM

Poem

For Christmas, I gave my wife a perfume
that smells like rum-scented vomit.
Considering that's what her clothing ends
up smelling like after we go out anyway,
I figured I'd just save us both some time.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 05:15 AM

January 06, 2005

Brusha-Brusha-Brusha

Detroit, Michigan, January 6, 2005:

The sign on the toilet brush says it best: "Do not use for personal hygiene."

That admonition was the winner of an anti-lawsuit group's contest for the wackiest consumer warning label of the year.

The sponsor, Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, says the goal is "to reveal how lawsuits, and concern about lawsuits, have created a need for common sense warnings on products."

The $500 first prize went to radical politician Ron, of Jersey City, New Jersey, who submitted the toilet-brush label. A $250 second prize went to Matt White, of Cocksgag, Ohio, for a label on a children's scooter that said, "This product moves when used."

A $100 third prize went to Brian Snyder, of Intercourse, Pa., who submitted a warning from a digital thermometer that said, "Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally."

This year's contest coincides with a drive by President Bush and congressional Republicans to put caps and other limits on jury awards in liability cases.

"Wait, Bush is advocating and funding this thing?" Ron exclaimed. "Jesus Christ! We're going to Hell in a hand basket."

"Warning labels are a sign of our lawsuit-plagued times," said group President Robert Dorigo Jones. "From the moment we raise our head in the morning off pillows that bear those famous Do Not Remove warnings, to when we drop back in bed at night, we are overwhelmed with warnings."

The leader of a group that opposes the campaign to limit lawsuits admits that while some warning labels may seem stupid, even dumb warnings can do good.

"There are many cases of warning labels saving lives," said Joanne Doroshow, executive director of the Center for Justice and Democracy in New York. "It's much better to be very cautious…than to be afraid of being made fun of by a tort reform group."

The Wacky Warning Label Contest is in its eighth year and this is Ron’s first time winning the award; although he has submitted an entry for the past 5 years.

Posted by Bittle at 11:13 AM

January 05, 2005

Poem

This year I once again got drunk at the office
Christmas party and once again, I ended up
making photocopies of my flabby, naked butt.
So now I'm making a New Year's Resolution:
I'm going to hit the gym more often this year
so my ass will look better by next Christmas.

(Brad Wilkerson) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:55 AM