Duck Hunt

Rogers, Arkansas, January 11, 2004:

There's a reason Mom says to always have a fresh pair of underwear. A New Jersey-based politician learned this week that it's to attract rescue helicopters.

Ronatarian Party founder and recent presidential candidate Ron found himself lost in the flooded backwoods of Bayou Meto this week while duck hunting with his friend's Labrador retriever, J.J. Walker.

He only managed to make it out by tying his white briefs to the end of his gun barrel and waving them at an Arkansas State Police helicopter.

Decked out in full camouflage hunting gear, Ron was practically invisible as the helicopter made several passes at dusk.

"They had passed over me a couple of times," he told the New Jersey Spew after he was safe and sound back at his party headquarters in Jersey City, N.J. "I knew I had to do something to get their attention…goddamn rednecks."

Anticipating a cold night in the wilderness, Ron drank dirty bayou water and ate a raw duck breast before he was spotted.

Ron had been in the flooded timberland near Hollowell Reservoir for about 11 hours when he was rescued. He went out with two elders from the Mormon Church and had already shot a couple of ducks when he and the dog spotted a host of ducks a few hundred yards away. After killing and bagging four of them, he realized he was stranded because the boat was gone.

"I started walking in the general direction of where the boat was, but it wasn't," Ron said. "Those mother f*ckers left me in the lurch! Never again…I don't trust those Mormons as far as I can throw 'em. I should have known it was a set-up."

To Ron's chagrin, no charges are expected to be filed against the two men from the Church of Latter Day Saints.

Ron concluded that if it hadn't been for the police, "I would have probably frozen my nuts off out there. I'm gonna make those assholes pay for ditching me. Mark my words!"

Posted by Bittle at January 11, 2005 11:24 AM