February 22, 2005

Flame On!

Staten Island, New York, February 22, 2005:

A man barely escaped serious injury Monday after a lit cigarette he tried to toss out the window while driving across the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge blew back in and ignited the vehicle, according to the New York City Police Department.

The man -- identified as Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron -- was driving westbound at about 5:40 p.m. when he tossed the cigarette out the window of his rental car, said NYPD Officer Shawn Chase.

Carried by the wind, the cigarette landed in his back seat and almost immediately burst into flames. Ron quickly pulled to the side of the road, and leapt from the flame-filled car, which continued rolling into a guardrail, Chase said.

"He thought he had thrown it in park, but he didn't and it just kept going," the officer said. "It was in flames by the time he got out. He had some of his hair singed on the back of his head, but his mustache remained fully intact. The car burnt down to the frame. There was nothing left."

The incident forced the closure of the Lily Pond Avenue off-ramp and one lane of traffic flowing into Staten Island for about an hour.

While Chase said Ron would likely face a misdemeanor charge for littering, lawyers for the Ronatarian Party immediately released this official (generic?) statement: "No fines or charges will be levied against Ron for any reason pertaining to this unfortunate incident."

"We see people throwing cigarettes out the window all the time but never a situation like this where it comes back in," Chase said. "This guy was lucky."

Why Ron was driving a rental car (while smoking) from Brooklyn has caused some speculation amongst bloggers and conspiracy theorists who follow the goings-on of the radical Ronatarian Party. No solid clarification or "unity theory" has surfaced so far.

Posted by Bittle at 10:34 AM

February 18, 2005

Poem

Sixteen hours after deciding to end it
all and writing the note, I realized that
my plan for a slow, but painless death of
suicide by masturbation was not working.

(Col. Klink) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 01:52 AM

February 14, 2005

Snow Schlong

Jersey City, New Jersey, February 14, 2005:

An explicit six-foot-tall snow sculpture depicting male genitals in a city neighborhood yard had some drivers doing a double-take this week.

The sculpture sits in the front yard of Ronatarian Party headquarters. The Ronatarian Party has been called "a radical political cult" and "a loony bin of eccentrics" by several political commentators. Some in the party -- including founder Ron -- reside in the home which doubles as a working office.

One neighbor, Rob Hodges, told a Jersey City radio station that the much larger-than-life icy display "was the talk of the town for a while." Hodges said many people who saw it just chuckled.

But the artwork provoked a frosty reaction from one woman, who called the Jersey City Police Department to complain about what she described as an "offensive" snow sculpture.

At the house, Ron told the investigating officer that the unconventional display was the work of two-time vice presidential hopeful Brad. While Ron said he wouldn't knock it down, he told the officer he'd have Brad take care of it immediately.

The sculpture was still standing three days later. However, no more complaints about the snow monument have surfaced. Neighbors hope that forecasted warm weather over the next few days will take care of any remaining controversy.

Posted by Bittle at 08:41 AM

February 06, 2005

Poem

I loved my old job when I could hide in my
cubicle and spend the day farting around.
Instead it's just work, work, work here
at the baked bean methane-research lab.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 11:05 PM

February 04, 2005

Avalanche!

Zakopane, Solvakia, Febraury 4, 2005:

An American man trapped in a car under an avalanche freed himself by drinking 60 bottles of beer and urinating on the snow to melt it.

Rescue teams found Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron drunk and staggering along a mountain path four days after his Volvo rental car was buried in the Slovak Tatra mountains.

He told them that after the avalanche, he had opened his car window and tried to dig his way out.

But as he dug with his hands, he realized the snow would fill his car before he managed to break through.

He had 60 half-liter bottles of beer in his car as he was going on vacation, and after cracking one open to think about the problem he realized he could urinate on the snow to melt it, local media reported.

He said: "I was scooping the snow from above me and packing it down below the window, and then I pissed on it to melt it. It was hard and now my kidneys and liver hurt. But I'm glad the beer I took on vacation turned out to be useful and I managed to get out of there. I planned to get drunk anyway and this little ordeal just forced the issue somewhat. I got no regrets, man."

This is not the first time Ron has been trapped by snowfall while on vacation abroad. Back in 2002 he became stranded in the Andes for a day before being rescued (See Fresh Ronsicles), a fact not ignored by the politician: "This is the last goddamn time I go on vacation in the winter. Mark my words!"

Parts of Europe have this week been hit by the heaviest snowfalls since 1941, with some places registering more than ten feet of snow in 24 hours.

Posted by Bittle at 09:13 AM

February 03, 2005

Poem

I'm against so-called technological advancement.
For example, it was a sad, sad day when transistors
replaced telephone switchboard operators, because chips
don't have breasts that jiggle up and down as they
raise their arms to plug in the connection wires.

(Michael Cunningham) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 09:02 AM