March 31, 2005

Hermit

Los Alamos, New Mexico, March 31, 2005:

Authorities have evicted a man from a cave on Los Alamos National Laboratory land where they say he apparently lived for several months with the comforts of home -- a wood-burning stove, solar panels connected to car batteries for electricity, and a satellite radio.

Los Alamos Deputy Fire Chief Doug Tucker said N8's hideaway, which also was equipped with a bed and a glass front door, was discovered earlier March 25 after a Department of Energy employee working at the Los Alamos site office noticed smoke wafting from the cave in a heavily wooded, steep canyon.

The employee reported the smoke to the fire department. Tucker said the smoke came from N8's wood-burning stove.

Ten marijuana plants were found outside the cave. N8 -- a mysterious man believed to be in his early-to-mid 30s -- has been charged with possession of a controlled substance and possession of drug paraphernalia, according to court documents. He pleaded not guilty and was released on bond. His whereabouts are currently unknown, as he has slipped out of the area without a trace.

An officer called to the site by firefighters pulled up the plants and confiscated about 21 ounces of dried marijuana, according to a statement of probable cause filed in magistrate court in Los Alamos.

Tucker said that as fire crews and lab security force members approached the cave after its discovery, they saw N8 and discovered "numerous" marijuana plants growing around the cave.

"From the campsite that I saw, he had been there quite a long time. ...I was really impressed with his ability to set up a camp," Tucker said.

He said it was impossible to see the cave or any sign of N8 from the edge of the 75- to 100-foot cliff above, which is inaccessible because of a tall fence.

The lab has not used the restricted area where the cave is located for years, said Bernie Pleau, a spokesman for the department and the National Nuclear Security Administration in Los Alamos. It is about 50 yards out his office door and down the cliff, he said.

"I don't know if anyone has tried squatting on DOE property before or not," Pleau said. "Pretty strange, don't you think?"

The site was not near any high-security or critical areas, he said.

"It wasn't a security threat by any means," Pleau said.

The DOE ordered the lab to remove all of N8's property from the area March 29, Pleau said. Among the stranger items discovered were numerous campaign buttons and fliers in support of radical Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron.

Posted by Bittle at 01:34 PM

March 25, 2005

Fuel Dump

Newark, New Jersey, March 25, 2005:

A man who lives near Newark International Airport claimed he was sprayed by fuel dumped from a jet flying low over his neighborhood. The accusation was denied by both airport and federal officials.

Ron, a radical politician based in Jersey City, said he was on his "daily constitutional" Wednesday night when the alleged incident occurred. He said he heard a whooshing sound, consistent with a plane flying overhead, and then felt a mist accompanied by a strong fuel odor.

"It was like someone had poured kerosene to start a fire," said Ron, who said he had difficulty breathing and experienced tingling of his skin, scalp, and mustache after the incident.

Airport spokeswoman Brenda Geoghagan said there was no emergency that would have forced a jet to dump its fuel Wednesday night, and Federal Aviation Administration spokeswoman Mary Kathleen Bergan concurred.

"There was no emergency declared and no authorized dumping of fuel" in the area of Ron's claim, Bergan said. "Plus, the FAA does not re-route Newark-bound planes over Jersey City. This guy is full of sh*t."

Ron said he went through three bottles of air freshener while battling the scent, which was still slightly detectable in his neighborhood and mustache early Thursday.

He added that he also went through two bottles of scotch after the incident. "I needed to calm my nerves," he explained.

Jet fuel is a known carcinogen that causes irritation to eyes, nausea, headaches, and lightheadedness.

Posted by Bittle at 10:21 AM

March 24, 2005

Finger Food

Jersey City, New Jersey, March 24, 2005:

A man's meal at a Wendy's restaurant brought a whole new meaning to the term "finger food." The man bit into a portion of a human finger while eating a bowl of chili Tuesday night at the Jersey City restaurant, Hudson County health officials said Wednesday.

The man, identified as Ronatarian Party number-two man Brad, immediately spit out the finger and warned other diners to stop eating, witnesses said.

"Initially he did put this object in his mouth and did bite down on it and wasn't sure exactly what it was," Hudson County Health Officer Dr. Martin Fenstersheib said at a news conference. "He's doing OK. Initially he was a bit grossed out -- it was described to me -- and vomited a number of times."

Then the cursing began.

"I never heard language like that before in my life," said witness and Navy veteran Hal Jordan. "He let fly with a stream of curses that would have sunk a battleship."

The incident was eerily similar to one that occurred to Brad last year when he found part of a man's thumb in his salad at a different local restaurant (See Tossed Salad).

Fenstersheib said the finger had been cooked at a high enough temperature to kill any viruses. That bit of (good) news did not appear to comfort the visibly upset Brad.

Officials said the fingertip was approximately 1 3-8-inches long and a half-inch piece of fingernail was also found. They believe it belongs to a woman or a gay man because of the long, manicured nail.

Health investigators seized all of the ingredients at the restaurant and are tracing them back to their manufacturer. They believe the finger got into the chili at an earlier stage.

"We have no evidence of any accident within the employees at the facility itself," said Ben Gale of the Hudson County Health Department. "We asked everybody to show us they have 10 fingers and everything is OK there."

The restaurant has had only one minor health violation stemming from a leaky vent, according to the San Francisco Chronicle.

"Food safety is of utmost importance to us," Wendy's spokesman Joe Desmond said in a statement. "We are cooperating fully with the local police and health departments with their investigation. It's important not to jump to conclusions. Here at Wendy's we plan to do right by our customers."

Brad has refused to comment on the incident.

Posted by Bittle at 11:19 AM

March 23, 2005

Poem

In Sympathy with the Poet Laureate

(I have never envied your task: especially now.....)
Their tenure should have ended at that final Worcester battle
But to this day we're fed a diet of endless royal prattle
And soon will come that awful time which some of us
are dreading:
The global media yawn-fest which is
Chas and Millie's wedding....
There's squabbling in the churches and across the Union Jack:
To write this one, I think you'll need to DRAIN your butt of sack!
We just need abolition, not a Cromwell-style beheading.
It's their business and theirs alone, old Chas & Millie's wedding.
It really doesn't matter who is sitting on the throne:
They're all as dull as dishwater and should be left alone.
I don't care what their hamster's called or whom
they are a-bedding:
I want some interesting news, not Chas & Millie's wedding!
So, Andrew, if your royal task becomes too much to bear
Go to your favourite football club and write your poems there.
I'm Brighton's Poet in Residence: tonight we're home to Reading.
That's worthy of a verse or two. Not Chas & Millie's wedding!

- by Attila the Stockbroker

Posted by Bittle at 04:05 PM

March 16, 2005

Inflatable Mail

Jersey City, New Jersey, March 16, 2005:

A blow-up sex doll sparked a bomb alert in a New Jersey post office after it started to vibrate inside a package awaiting delivery, police said Wednesday.

"Workers were unsettled when it began vibrating and made strange noises," a spokesman for the Jersey City Police said. "They were worried the package might be a bomb."

Officers brought the sender -- identified as Ronatarian Party #2 man Brad -- to the scene and discovered the source of alarm was an electrical device inside a life-size male sex doll. Brad told police he had wanted to return the doll because it kept turning itself on at the wrong moment.

Order was restored after the sender removed the doll's batteries so the defective product could be returned. No charges were filed.

A similar occurrence took place almost three years ago (See Packing Heat) when Brad was detained in a Dallas airport for a sex toy that was vibrating in his luggage.

Posted by Bittle at 03:50 PM

March 15, 2005

Poem

I wholly support the recent tax cut. It will
stimulate the economy and result in a measurable
and important increase in the nation's GDP.
I know this because I spent mine on lap dances
and tequila shooters the same day I got it.

(Patrick Murphy) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 11:15 PM

March 14, 2005

Be Nice, A$$hole!

Trenton, New Jersey, March 14, 2005:

A kindler, gentler New Jersey?

In a state where one former governor once joked that the official bird was "the middle finger," Assemblymen Jon M. Bramnick and Gordon Johnson think a few more random acts of kindness couldn't hurt.

A resolution under consideration in the state Legislature is encouraging residents to join "a campaign toward civility, kindness, and respect to all."

Vocal opponents such as the Jersey City-based Ronatarian Party -- a radical group led by its charismatic founder and leader Ron -- think the proposal is nothing but "worthless fluff."

"Who the f*ck needs legislation to tell you to be a g*dd*mn nice person?" Ron ranted during a protest in front of the New Jersey State Capitol Building. "This is just another example of big government shoving sh*t down the taxpayers' throats."

"Do what you please, say what you feel: that's the Ronatarian way...the American way...the New Jersey way."

Bramnick, a Republican, says it seems people just aren't as nice to each other as they were in decades past.

"In the halls of Trenton everyone's always very nice and it's 'Good morning! How are you?' Then I get back in the real world," Bramnick said last week.

The Assembly Judiciary committee was expected to decide whether to send the proposal along for a vote before the full Assembly.

In the meantime, Bramnick and Johnson, a Democrat, hope New Jerseyans will listen -- and lighten -- up. It's not the first time state officials have tried to soften up Jersey's image. Last year, then-Gov. James E. McGreevey declared a Random Acts of Kindness Day.

"That Nicey-Nice Day [sic] didn't work for sh*t," Ron said. "That queer fruit McGreevey had no f*cking clue what he was doing while he was in office. This is a worthless endeavor and another example of government waste."

Posted by Bittle at 01:03 PM

March 10, 2005

Poem

If you're ever in a classroom setting
with a woman who pulls out her breast
and starts to feed her baby, don't say,
"Did you bring enough to share with
the whole class?" Sure, it's a funny
line, but if she answers, "Yes," you're
pretty much going to have to drink it.

(Brad Wilkerson) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 09:13 PM

March 08, 2005

Tequila!

Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic, March 8, 2005:

The 21-year-old winner of a competition to drink the most tequila died and three other contestants were gravely ill in the hospital, Dominican officials said.

Ricardo Ivan Garcia drank more than 50 shots of tequila Sunday night at Santo Domingo's Blanc, Dance and Lounge discotheque to win the prize of $330 at a Mexican night celebration.

But he was taken ill, hospitalized, and died within hours, apparently from heart failure brought on by alcohol poisoning, public prosecutor Jose Hernandez Peguero said on Monday.

Two other contestants remained in serious condition in the hospital, family members said. The third contestant -- identified as radical American politico Ron -- was released from the hospital with a "clean bill of health" after 12 hours according to Ronatarian Party officials.

According to Ronatarian sources, Ron would have won the competition had he not decided to chase each tequila shot with beer. He still managed to take 2nd place. He won $50 and a miniature inflatable palm tree.

Posted by Bittle at 10:13 AM

March 06, 2005

Poem

Say what you want about that first beer,
but nothing really brings a father and son
together like dumping a dead whore down a well.

(Wes Nessmann) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 09:21 PM