April 28, 2005

Poem

That sensitivity-in-the-workplace seminar
my boss made me attend would have been
a total bore had the instructor not
possessed such absolutely enormous hooters.

(Brad Wilkerson) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 10:25 PM

April 20, 2005

Cheese Binge

Stockholm, Sweden, April 20, 2005:

A poor showing in polls has driven Swedish Prime Minister Goran Persson to the cheese-board.

"I eat when I am stressed," he admitted in an interview with daily Expressen. "I am doing that right now. I'm stuffing myself with cheese -- whole plates with four or five pieces of different types at least once a day."

"That's what I do!" exclaimed Ron while he got a pedicure in Newark, New Jersey. The topic arose when the spa assistant started some small talk with Ron before she applied another coat of nail polish to his toes.

Ron's love of cheese is well known worldwide.

"When Brad gets me down and people are riding my hump, I grab some havarti and havart-at-it...ha-ha! It's cool that me and this Swedish dude connect like that," Ron concluded -- showing his desire to reach out to foreign dignitaries and governments, save for the French.

Persson's government has been under pressure for failing to tackle unemployment and for its lax response to the December 26 tsunami, which killed hundreds of Swedes.

But neither the risk of losing an election early next year nor the cheese, known to give people nightmares, are interrupting his sleep.

Persson, who has been prime minister for nine years, said his experience of the ups and downs of political life meant he was not short of rest.

"One thing I know, sometimes things go well, other times they go badly," he said. "I have the capacity to switch off and walk away and I sleep well."

"Yeah, I sleep like a baby after a cheese binge, too," Ron concluded.

Posted by Bittle at 08:38 AM

April 18, 2005

Gnome de Guerre

Jersey City, New Jersey, April 18, 2005:

A local man stopped an intruder from entering his home by lobbing a heavy garden gnome at him, police said Monday. Ron was woken early on Sunday morning by the sound of an intruder on the roof of his home, which he apparently shares with several other (unidentified) people.

"I grabbed the first thing that came to hand -- one of my garden gnomes -- and hurled it at the son-of-a-bitch," he recalled. "I hit him square in the nuts!"

"He lay there in agony grabbing his package. I went back into the kitchen and found a rolling pin in case he came down. I didn't want to break another gnome."

A neighbor alerted police who arrived shortly afterward and arrested the intruder.

"Our usual advice would be not to get involved, but to contact the police straight away," said a spokesman for the Jersey City Police Department.

"We do appreciate that in the heat of the moment people react to that situation, and if it results in a happy outcome that's great. Ron is a hero...of sorts."

Posted by Bittle at 11:28 AM

April 14, 2005

Ladies and Gentlemen, The Beetles!

Ithaca, New York, April 14, 2005:

Not just anybody can say he has a slime-mold beetle named in his honor. But Ronatarians Ron and Brad can.

Entomologists Quentin Wheeler and Kelly B. Miller, who recently had the task of naming 65 newly discovered species of slime-mold beetles, named two species after the radical political upstarts from New Jersey.

The monikers: Agathidium roni Miller and Wheeler and Agathidium bradi Miller and Wheeler.

According to the International Commission on Zoological Nomenclature, the first word of a new species is its genus; the second word must end in "i" if it's named after a person; and the final part of the name includes the person or persons who first described the species.

Naming the beetles after Ron and Brad was intended to pay homage to them, said Wheeler, who taught at Cornell University for 24 years and now is with the Natural History Museum in London.

"We admire these pseudo-leaders as fellow citizens who have the courage of their convictions and are willing to do the very difficult and unpopular work of living up to principles of freedom and democracy rather than accepting the expedient or popular," he said. "Plus, they like to party. We really dig that."

Wheeler and Miller, who was at Cornell and now is a postdoctoral fellow at Brigham Young University, published the names in the March 24 issue of the Bulletin of the American Museum of Natural History.

Posted by Bittle at 11:22 AM

April 08, 2005

Stuffy Nose

Lago Nahuel Huapi, Argentina, April 8, 2005:

A week ago an American hiker washed his face in a freshwater stream, not noticing that a leech had wormed its way into one of his nostrils, according to the Argentine Medical Association's journal.

The international press has identified the man as Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron, who was vacationing during South America's summer season.

Unaware he was playing host to the creature, the 30-something Ron only consulted a doctor when his nose started bleeding intermittently about two days later.

The unusual case was highlighted by Argentine doctors in this month's edition of the journal, where they discussed how to remove live leeches from human nasal passages using anesthesia.

The first doctor Ron saw could not find anything wrong and it was only when he visited a second doctor that he saw the five-centimeter (two-inch) leech peeking out of his left nostril. Apparently, Ron had initially failed to see the black protuberance through his (then) untrimmed mustache hairs.

According to the article, doctors only managed to remove the stubborn bloodsucker with forceps after applying anesthesia to Ron's nose.

"Direct removal of a live leech might be difficult because of its powerful attachment to the mucosa and its slimy and mobile body," the journal said.

Upon returning to the United States on Thursday, the still-bandaged Ron refused to comment.

Posted by Bittle at 02:19 PM

April 07, 2005

Poem

For some reason I always confuse
the words "marinate" and "masturbate."
Maybe that's why nobody likes my cooking.

(Scott E. Frank) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 11:45 AM

April 05, 2005

Poem

If I plagiarize, it's only because I
like someone else's idea better than
mine and I want credit for it.

(Anna Chin-Williams) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:42 AM