May 31, 2005

Wheeling and Dealing

London, England, May 31, 2005:

Contestants in a traditional British cheese rolling competition broke bones and took skin off knees and elbows Monday in their pursuit of a giant piece of cheese down a steep hill.

The competition, in which participants hurl themselves 640 feet down a hill after an eight-pound piece of cheese, has been celebrated for centuries in Gloucestershire, northwest of London.

The race is thought to originate from a heathen festival to welcome the spring. The first person to follow the cheese across the line at the bottom of the hill wins the cheese and a small cash prize.

Thousands of people attended Monday's event and the local ambulance service reported three people were taken to an area hospital with suspected fractured limbs, while 18 were treated for bruises and abrasions.

American politico Ron -- a vocal and avid fan of all cheeses -- was taken to the hospital on a stretcher after his race. Ron won one of four cheese-rolling races contested Monday and was clutching his winning slab of cheese to his chest while being carted away.

"The pain was worth it," Ron said. "This cheese is going straight in a cupboard when I get home to America. It's definitely not for eating."

Organizer Richard Jefferies said Monday's event ran smoothly and injuries were down on previous years.

"It's a good part of the local heritage and a tradition we would like to keep going," Jefferies said.

Posted by Bittle at 11:19 AM

May 25, 2005

Cannonballed

New York, New York, May 25, 2005:

Burt Reynolds apparently slapped Ron in the face at a New York screening of his new film, "The Longest Yard."

Ron, who founded the radical Ronatarian Party, approached Reynolds on the red carpet outside a Chelsea theater Tuesday night. When he asked Reynolds some questions, the actor seemed annoyed.

"You don't know anything about the movie?" Reynolds replied.

Ron acknowledged he hadn't seen the movie or the original 1974 film. Reynolds then seemed to slap Ron. "What...kinda of guy are you?" he asked.

CBS aired footage of the incident on "The Early Show" Wednesday morning.

Jeff Lane, a spokesman for Reynolds, said in a statement that Reynolds "playfully tapped [Ron] on the cheek, as if to say, 'Well, that's not very nice.' He was kidding."

"That's not what happened and he knows it," a disgruntled Ron said to reporters. "I wanted to compare mustache-grooming notes with Burt and he turned on me. I loved 'Stroker Ace'...I mean, what the f*ck?!?"

Ron then assured the gathered media representatives that Reynolds would soon be hearing from his team of lawyers.

Posted by Bittle at 04:49 PM

May 19, 2005

One Tough Nut to Crack

Jersey City, New Jersey, May 19, 2005:

Fringe politician Ron is defending his use of the phrase "testicular virility" to describe his ability to make tough decisions.

The remark prompted both laughter and complaints that it was sexist and an undignified thing for a legitimate politician to say. (The verdict is not yet out on whether the Ronatarian Party founder is, in fact, legitimate.)

But Ron called such objections "complete baloney."

"I think the people understand that means: Do you have the fortitude -- if you're a real man or a butch broad in leadership -- to put the people first?" he said Wednesday. "It's all about having the fortitude to fight for the people."

Ron made the remark Tuesday at an extended happy hour in New York City's Soho neighborhood.

"This is the kind of thing that I think frankly separates the men from the boys in leadership. Do you have the testicular virility to make a decision like that, knowing what's coming you're way?" Ron said then to fellow bar patrons. "I say I do."

Posted by Bittle at 10:31 AM

May 17, 2005

Poem

Imagine sitting at home some evening, minding
your own business, reading a good book when
all of a sudden Adolf Hitler sneaks up behind
you and slams you on the head with a brick.
That'd be just like him too, the bastard!

(Chris MacEachen) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 05:11 AM

May 15, 2005

Pint Sized

Jersey City, New Jersey, May 15, 2005:

A low-profile candidate in a seemingly perpetual political race has put some fizz into his campaign. Ronatarian Party founder Ron, who wants to be a president of the United States, is advertising on beer glasses in taverns across northern New Jersey. The pint glasses give his campaign website -- which has information about his background, endorsements, and strange escapades.

"I want drunk people to actually read about me, not just see my pint glass and chug the beer in it," Ron said.

Brian E. Krapf, a Savannah, Ga., attorney and president of the American Political Items Collectors, said beer mugs promoting candidates in the late 19th century were not uncommon. But he never heard of such a promotion in the post-Prohibition era.

"I wonder what he's going to do when a DUI comes in front of him," Krapf said.

Posted by Bittle at 10:40 AM

May 13, 2005

Take Off, Eh!

Toronto, Canada, May 13, 2005:

A truck hauling 2,000 cases of beer flipped over and unleashed a sea of suds onto Canada's busiest highway on Thursday, in a scene that could have been lifted from the Canadian cliché handbook.

The early morning accident brought rush hour traffic to a standstill on highway 401 in north Toronto, as rescuers worked to free a woman trapped in the small car that collided with the tractor trailer.

"Believe it or not with this crushed car, the young lady driving it is going to be okay," Ontario Provincial Police Sgt. Cam Wooley told CP24 news.

"We've got sand down now absorbing the beer," he said.

Also, American beer connoisseur Ron was immediately notified of the spill and flown directly to the scene. Usual diplomatic formalities were waved because of the massive scope of the incident.

Obviously distraught, Ron appeared to have tears in his eyes as he surveyed the disaster. His job was to physically help contain the spill and put a positive spin on the incident.

His presence may also serve to quell any current diplomatic rifts between the U.S. and Canada, which have not seen eye to eye on such issues as immigration and the war in Iraq.

"A guy like Ron could only help in a situation like this," Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin said in an official statement. "He's not a typical American hoser, eh."

In Canada, beer is closely co-advertised with the national obsession of hockey and an enduring national stereotype is the McKenzie brothers, the 1980s-era comedy team of Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas who swilled beer and ended every sentence with "eh?."

Police said the beer-soaked sand would be scooped into bins and returned to the supplier for destruction. Any remaining drops would be disposed of by Ron in a manner which he sees fit.

Posted by Bittle at 09:40 AM

May 12, 2005

Poem

I think one reason they call
them "Relaxed Fit" jeans is
that "Ass The Size of Texas"
jeans would not sell very well.

(Jim Rosenberg) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 04:37 AM

May 10, 2005

Poem

Stealing my 6-year-old's allowance money
to buy beer would make me the world's worst
father -- if I hadn't shared it with him.

(Miles Walker) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:12 AM

May 03, 2005

Erich the Red-Lipped

Berlin, Germany, May 3, 2005:

Being kissed by East German Communist leader Erich Honecker was "disgusting," perpetual U.S. presidential candidate Ron was quoted as saying Tuesday.

In an interview with Germany's Die Welt newspaper, Ron said that meetings with Honecker always began with hugs and fraternal socialist kisses on the cheeks. Socialist on Honecker's part only; Ron is a vocal defender of the North American republic he calls home.

"I exchanged many embraces with Honecker. He had this disgusting way of kissing," stated Ron -- who was in high school during the time of the meetings. "He didn't know how to use his tongue... It was a sloppy, drooling free-for-all." Honecker ruled East Germany from 1971 to 1989 and died in 1994 -- the year Ron graduated from college.

Reprints of photographs showing grey-haired, bespectacled Honecker kissing cheeks with Soviet President Leonid Brezhnev or Mikhail Gorbachev are part of the popular culture in Germany.

Artist Dmitri Vrubel's picture of Honecker and Brezhnev kissing each other on the lips, painted on a section of the Berlin Wall, is one of Berlin's most popular tourist attractions.

"Why this country lionizes a bad kisser is beyond me," concluded Ron in his interview.

Posted by Bittle at 04:15 PM