January 28, 2010

Dick Pipe

Newark, New Jersey, January 28, 2010:

Doctors and nurses at Newark Beth Israel Medical Center struggled to get a man's penis out of a stainless steel pipe because the restricted blood flow had caused it to become erect.

Instead, they resorted to calling in the Newark Fire Department.

The fire crew turned up with a special equipment unit from the Mulberry Street station and seven firefighters to help. One fireman understatedly described the situation a "delicate operation."

The firefighters used a four-and-a-half-inch industrial metal grinder to cut the pipe from around the anaesthetised man's penis.

The penis was left bruised and swollen, but otherwise unharmed by its traumatic day.

The man -- identified as Ronatarian Party higher-up Brad -- did not explain to hospital staff how exactly the pipe got stuck around his penis when he presented himself at the hospital's Emergency Room on Wednesday morning. He was said to be "quite concerned and anxious."

A Newark Fire Department spokesman said: "It was a very delicate operation that required a very steady hand and the crew was worried about things getting too hot during the cutting."

"It's certainly an unusual call-out, and I hope [Brad] won't be getting into that situation again. But you can 'never say never' when dealing with the likes of these people on the fringes of society."

Shift manager Greg Garrett from the Lincoln Avenue fire station told The New Jersey Spew: "I’ve only come across this type of thing three or four times in my 17 years as a firefighter. It’s not a daily occurrence."

Posted by Bittle at 01:57 PM

January 19, 2010

Poem

Next time I go back to that biker bar, I'm
bringing my friends along to help me out.
Sure, they might laugh at *one*, but I
bet those chain-swinging morons would
cower before *three* Jedi knights.

(Hugh Ringling) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 08:55 PM

January 13, 2010

Stomp The Yard

Jersey City, New Jersey, January 13, 2010:

A man was released from jail on charges he threatened a neighbor who had disturbed him by stomping snow from his feet outside his own house. Police said 46-year-old John Cocktosten was released on bond Tuesday following his arrest Saturday.

Officers said Cocktosten brandished a shotgun and threatened Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron who had been stomping snow from his feet around 7 a.m. Saturday.

According to The New Jersey Spew, Cocktosten told police the stomping awakened someone else who was sleeping at his place.

Cocktosten was charged with aggravated assault. A spokeswoman at the jail did not know Tuesday if he had an attorney.

Ron refused to comment for this story.

Posted by Bittle at 06:49 AM

January 04, 2010

Mister Ron Candies

January 4, 2010:

Now the confectionary world has latched on to Ron's burgeoning popularity by making Mister Ron candies. I was privileged to sample a Christmas candy over the holidays and found it irresistibly delicious!

If only the rest of America would put a piece of Ron in its mouth, we'd continue to promulgate our message across this great land. The Ronatarian Party movement would swell with growth and pride.

Please do your part and promote this product in your hometown and beyond.

- Bittle

Posted by Bittle at 02:23 PM