October 29, 2001

Pay the Piper

October 29, 2001: Newark, NJ

Two men who threw beer bottles at a woman in a car paid the price on Friday -- they had to parade through the center of their hometown dressed as women.

Former presidential candidate Ron and one time running mate Brad walked around downtown Newark for an hour Friday afternoon wearing dresses, wigs, and makeup.

Mosquito-Swamp County Municipal Judge David X. Hostetler passed the sentence on Oct. 18, telling the men they could either comply with his order or go to jail for 60 days after being convicted of criminal damage. He also fined them $250 each.

Hostetler, who often imposes unorthodox sentences, says he does so because of overcrowding in the Mosquito-Swamp County Jail. "Let those f--kers be humiliated again!...I didn't like their politics before and I don't like 'em now."

Told of the judge's political biases, Ron retorted that he felt "angered", but strangely comfortable in his sling-back pumps. "I wish we had these comfy shoes while on the campaign trail. Those Nikes were killing my feet at the end."

Brad refused comment as he felt humiliated and humbled by the experience.

Ron, on the other hand, seemed to revel in the attention and waved to the throngs of onlookers, blowing kisses all the while.

"Voters love a man in a dress," he was overheard telling Brad.

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October 21, 2001

Metal Free Bra

October 21, 2001: Tokyo, Japan "The Japanese have done it!" exclaimed Ron from a barber's chair in northern New Jersey. "Technology and lingerie have finally merged and the results are marvelous!" he said from the World's-A-Part hair salon in Newark. A Japanese firm is launching a metal-free bra in response to tighter airport security procedures worldwide following last month's attacks on the United States, Kyodo news agency reported Friday. Triumph International (Japan) Ltd. said it had decided to develop the bra because the tiny metallic fasteners on more usual brassieres had been triggering alarms on airport security detectors, Kyodo said. Ron added that the metal clasps are often tough to get open, causing make-out sessions to become "quite frustrating." Some 500 of what are being called the "Frequent Flyers' Bras" are to go on sale online from December, Kyodo quoted the company, the Japanese branch of Germany's Triumph group, as saying. The firm could not be immediately reached for comment. "If the breakthrough weren't so incredible and far-reaching, I would think the German and Japanese partnership was up to something sneaky," commented Ron. "But when in history have the Germans and Japanese teamed up to cause anyone any trouble? This is as important as splitting the atom!" Instead of metal wires and hooks, the new bra incorporates resinous wires and nonmagnetic metal hooks that do not trigger metal detector alarms. The bra, available in white, orange and blue, will be sold as a set with matching panties for 3,800 yen ($31.40). Airport authorities should welcome the new bra because security personnel take "considerable labor and time to identify what sets off metal detectors, resulting in slow immigration and boarding procedures," Kyodo quoted Triumph as saying. "I also welcome the new bra, but I would give it a different name," said Ron. "Since the parent company is German, I would call it 'The Wunder-bra'."

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