November 27, 2001

Sexual Superpower

November 27, 2001: Wellington, New Zealand The United States remains the sexual superpower of the world with Americans making love more often and with more partners than any other nationality, according to a survey by a leading condom manufacturer. "I knew my 2000 campaign thrust would result in national victory in the [near] future!" exclaimed Ron from his former campaign headquarters in scenic northern New Jersey. Durex SSL International said Tuesday that its annual poll of 18,500 people in 28 countries showed the world was having more sex and starting earlier than ever before, and the United States was leading the field in all departments. The survey -- carried out in May and published ahead of World AIDS Day on December 1 -- showed respondents averaging sex 97 times a year, up from 96 last year. But those Americans questioned averaged sex 124 times a year with over 14 different partners and were also starting earlier than anyone else at an average age of 16. "We preach 'Early and Often' here in the Rontarian Party," explained Ron to a gaggle of reporters. "This international competition means more to us than an Olympic medal count. America has to rise to the top of the world's sexual movement and lead the globe in all facets of heterosexual carnal prowess. To borrow a phrase, it is our 'Manifest Destiny'." The Greeks made love the second most frequently -- 117 times a year on average -- while the Germans were the second youngest to get started at 16.6 years. "Let the Greeks take it in the ass!" yelled Ron at his press conference. "I hope the surveyors don't count homosexual acts as 'sex'." France's reputation as a nation of lovers took something of a hit with frequency dropping from 121 times a year to 110 and slumping from top of the number of partners table to second with 13 compared to 17 a year ago. When asked to comment on the French's declining status, Ron simply smiled and nodded -- as an apparant endorsement of the lower statistical numbers. Japan remained bottom of the lovers league with an average 36 sexual encounters a year. Overall, 60 percent of respondents said they had sex at least once a week and four percent claimed to make love daily. But single people had the least sex -- 86 times a year -- and the libido of married couples (100 times) also trailed those living together (145 times). One in 10 people said they never had sex. "No comment!" clamored Ron at this point in the run-down of the survey. The global average age of first sex moved down slightly to 18.0 years from 18.1, while the number of partners dropped to 7.7 from 8.2. Men appeared to be more sexually active than women, claiming a frequency of 102 times a year against 91. Men also claimed an average 10.7 partners, versus 4.6 for women. The beach was the most popular venue for love making, with 27 percent of respondents putting it ahead of a runner-up hot tub. "What!?! No 'back seat of a Camaro'!?! This is ludicrous!" an astonished Ron ranted. "No wonder my luck has been so bad...That won't make the print edition, right?"

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November 26, 2001

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 323 - November 26, 2001


Today we took a wild turn in the experiments and paired the Ron Apple and Macintosh Ron with the infamous "Glass Eye Cup". Everybody's gotta have one! The possibilities are endless, since you can use it for your glass eye.. AND it's made out of glass.


Naturally, the glass eye cup can be used as a shot glass so that you can ingest the booze through your hollow eye socket. No kit is complete without a "Little Noses" nasal whiskey inhaler.


Here's some expert opinions from HillyBilly Jim who will explain exactly what we learned from today's experiment:

"I want to know where the Delicious Red Ron Apple was during all of this. This experiment certainly shows us that it's not bad to be missing an eye if you have the right equipment. That Little Noses thing could be used by anybody.. even a dog or a parakeet. If I had one of these early in my wrestling career, Brutus the Barber Beefcake would never have beaten me."

That's just great stuff. Somehow, I think Al had the better idea of lighting something on fire. These experiments are really paying off.. just imagine what we will discover next time.

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November 19, 2001

World Toilet Summit

November 19, 2001: Singapore It's something people use every day but organizers of the World Toilet Summit in Singapore hope to bring the taboo topic out of the water closet. Some 200 delegates from Asia, Europe and North America are swapping ideas on design, public education and sanitation under the theme "Our toilets: the past, the present and the future." The new World Toilet Association wants to spread the word with its Web site -- www.worldtoilet.org -- as a nerve center for researchers, designers, makers and vendors of a device that is mundane to many but an unknown luxury in much of the world. "I remember once I pissed all over the toilet seat at the Pi Phi sorority house. Serves those bitches right for never once going out with me," Ron, Presidential Candidate and head cheese of the Ronatarian Party, said in an opening address on Monday. "I think Brad had explosive diarrhea that day and even got shit stains on the wall." Wash your hands and always flush was the message from a mime troupe that kicked off the event with a graphic but silent demonstration of the good, the bad and the ugly in the bathroom. Delegates, including Chinese officials preparing for the Olympic onslaught in 2008, will also be treated to a tour of some of Singapore's most technically advanced commodes. The latest and greatest loos will be on show at the four-day Restroom Asia trade fair at Singapore Expo starting on Tuesday. The World Health Organization estimates 40 percent of the world's population does not have access to adequate sanitation, leading to the spread of disease, higher healthcare costs and the death of two million people each year -- most of them children. "Once I almost drowned myself while worshipping the porcelain goddess," Ron told reporters on the sidelines of the summit. "If they put some kind of chin wrest or something in there, that could save lots of lives." Singapore already is at the forefront of enforcing toilet etiquette with fines for not flushing and automatic devices that sense when to send the water surging. But the city state is not taking the future sitting down by spending S$7 billion ($3.8 billion) on a deep-tunnel sewage system and millions more on upgrading public toilets in hawker centers, housing estate coffee shops, parks and schools. "We are adopting an end-to-end approach in looking at our sanitation requirements," Lim said in a speech. "Sure, these toilet conventions are impressive, but they don't hold a candle to the brewer festivals we have back in the U.S., Ron said in a speech.

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November 17, 2001

Tattoo Convention

September 17, 2001: Los Angeles, CA The attacks that shocked America sparked old-fashioned patriotism this weekend as people lined up to have the American flag inked into their arms at the world's largest tattoo and body-piercing convention. On Hollywood's famed Sunset Strip, American flags were flown on cruising cars, draped across the front of the Palladium convention hall and featured in the most talked-about tattoos at the 10th annual Inkslinger's Ball, a raucous gathering to which thousands of "body art" practitioners come to see and be seen. "It's one thing to fly a flag at home and another to get it tattooed on your body," said Ron Young, 41, the master of ceremonies for the event. "It makes a real statement." "I have nothing to add to that," added another Ron -- the former Ronatarian presidential candidate -- also at the rally. "OK, maybe I do...While I remain tattoo-free, I believe that 'inking' the American ideal onto your body is a pure expression of freedom and individualism. If everyone in the nation got the flag tattooed on his right arm, he would show a unique form of patriotism. There are never enough tattoos." One middle-aged woman chose a tattoo of the Stars and Stripes with the black outline of a jumbo jet and a yellow rose in memory of the thousands presumed killed when hijacked airliners crashed into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. Another man opted for a simple motto: "Remember the Day." At the Beachin' Tattoo booth, the special tattoo on offer featured an "American shield" flanked by fearsome snakes. Ronatarian Ron, originally from New Jersey, said he was moved by the sacrifice that firefighters and police made by rushing in to help at the time of the attack, even at the cost of their lives. "I feel a lot of frustration here because anyone who has been tattooed or pierced in the past 12 months can't give blood," he said. Young, the singer with the Hollywood-based hard-rock band Little Caesar, has Asian-inspired tattoos over his back and both arms. Later, he urged the crowd of black-shirted and barebacked enthusiasts to contribute to the American Red Cross by bidding at a charity auction for an electric tattoo needle. Ben E. Hanna, a soft-spoken tattoo artist with mutton chop sideburns, had already done several flag-themed tattoos by midday on Saturday, the second day of the convention. When one man asked for "a real patriotic symbol," Hanna improvised a pattern featuring two flags, an eagle, a rose, a Ron, and a panther. "We were getting people gathered around while I did the tattoo saying, you know, 'Way to go, very patriotic,"' he said. Several dozen in the crowd with tongue piercings answered a call to talk to forensic anthropologists about their metal barbells and rings. Two researchers from Arizona State University drove to Los Angeles to gather data they hope will be useful in the grim work of identifying bodies in New York. "If we can help in solving one missing-person case, it will be enough," said Dr. Karl Seeler, a buttoned-down professor with several piercings and brands. While forensic experts know a lot about how other kinds of habits, such as smoking a pipe, affect the teeth, no one has studied the telltale marks left by increasingly popular oral jewelry, he said. Others were more interested in vengeance than closure. At one booth, Chris O'Hara said he had sold about 100 black T-shirts emblazoned with the New York skyline and the message "The Only Good Terrorist Is a Dead Terrorist." Even at a convention given to the unconventional and peopled by pink-haired punks and pony tailed bikers, the mainstream patriotic sentiments should not be surprising, former candidate Ron uttered. "These are people who more than others understand the meaning of liberty," he said.

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November 01, 2001

Super Greg

Super Greg Super Greg dead link. Unfortunately, this link no longer is up. This guy was obviously one of Ron's biggest fans. He really got into the spirit of Ronstache day.

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Somethingawful

Somethingawful logo Somethingawful Real quality site. For a special treat go to the Cliff Yablonski Hates You section.

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