December 19, 2000

Ferret Racism

New York City, New York (December 19, 2000): A pet-loving former presidential candidate has vowed a full-fledged ferret fight after the New York City Board of Health voted yesterday to ban the weasel-like pets -- along with hippos, giraffes, and hundreds of other wild animals. Forty-eight states, including New York, currently allow ferret ownership. Former Ronatarian Party candidate Ron slammed the unanimous vote as "ignorant," and proposed a law to prevent the estimated thousands of ferret owners in the city from becoming instant criminals. "These commissioners are so appallingly ignorant of animals," Ron said on the sidewalk outside the Health Department's Worth Street headquarters, with a ferret named Stinky inches away. "Ferrets have been domesticated for thousands of years." He added, "I know I live and work in New Jersey, but these atrocious anti-ferret policies in New York are hitting too close to home. I must speak out against this madness." New York City Board of Health Speaker Marcia Folweiler expressed initial support. "If the evidence shows that ferrets are friendly, we'll make them legal," she said. "We understand the difference between a hippopotamus and a ferret." But Board of Health chairman Kendrick Powell defended the vote. "Ferrets are known for their unpredictable behavior, and they are prone to vicious, unprovoked attacks on humans," Powell said in a written statement. "Horse shit," Ron replied, "I once got attacked by this ROTC guy named John Tim with a rubber Uzi for no reason whatsoever. We should concentrate on banning him from the city!" Health Department spokesman John Gadd maintained that ferrets, like all "wild" animals, have always been illegal as pets -- but yesterday's vote clarified that ban by specifically naming the animals that are considered "wild" under city law. That list now includes a veritable Noah's ark of animals, some obscure, some widely known, but few suitable for apartment living: hyenas, dingoes, jackals, aardwolves, cheetahs, panthers, gorillas, "front-fanged venomous snakes," giraffes, hippopotamuses, whales, elephants, lions, tigers, and bears. (Oh, my!) Ferret owners bristled at having their pets included on such a list. "There is no scientific basis for calling ferrets 'wild'," said John Pineda of the New York City Friends of Ferrets, who brought Ferrous to the board vote but was not allowed to bring her inside. Pineda (pronounced pin-EH-dah or pin-EYE-dah) cited the department's own statistics showing only three recorded ferret bites in 1998, compared to nearly 8,000 dog and cat bites. "This board is a kangaroo court," Pineda added, inadvertently naming yet another pet declared illegal. Ron said ferrets deserve the same classification as dogs and cats, a position supported by the ASPCA, the Animal Medical Center, and the Humane Society of New York. Ron has had his own run-ins with animal rights advocates after a November incident -- when he bit his dog Squeaky -- made headlines (see article "Dog Bite"). This time, he is on the defense of our four-legged, furry friends. "I know, in my heart, that ferrets are good," he said outside of the just-adjourned board meeting. "I wonder why these nimrods cannot see what I see." Although Ron said there were no plans for excessive radical action just yet, yesterday's vote had ferret owners quite concerned. "The city has a bad track record of harassing the public," said David Gutharz of the New York Ferret's Rights Advocacy. "Look at street vendors, cab drivers, and porn retailers." Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, who has exhibited a testy dislike of ferret people in the past, took a more cautious approach when asked about the critters and their masters on Monday. "I have to rely on the Health Department; I'm not an expert on ferrets," said Giuliani. "I don't have a ferret as a pet and I've never actually met a ferret. I have nothing particularly for or against ferrets." He went on to add, however, that he believes ferrets are much more prone to attack small children and carry rabies and that he supports their continued banishment. Though ferret lovers could hardly be heartened by the mayor's remarks, Giuliani has actually come a long way toward making amends with the ferret-keeping community. On a call-in radio program last year, he lit into a ferret owner, saying: "There is something deranged about you. You need somebody to help you. This excessive concern with little weasels is a sickness. I'm sorry, that's my opinion. You should go consult a psychologist or a psychiatrist with this excessive concern -- how you are devoting your life to weasels." Along side Ron, the Humane Society of New York, the publisher of Modern Ferret Magazine, comedian Carrot Top, and domestic doyen Martha Stewart have gone to bat for the beasts in the past. During Monday's hearing, Phil Malone, who said he owns "six lizards, a turtle, and a cat" in addition to his pet ferret, said the species has been unfairly maligned. "As far as what I'm hearing, the Health Department needs a little education on ferrets," said Malone. "The biggest thing mine does is steal. He takes my wallet...oh, and my bags of crack cocaine." Asked whether he is a New York City resident and if, in fact, he keeps his pet illegally, Malone got cagey. "I'm not tellin' you where I live," he said.

Posted by Webmaster at 10:35 PM | TrackBack

December 13, 2000

Ron Congratulates New President Elect

Wednesday - December 13, 2000 In a speech following Gore's which only aired in some obscure provinces in Canada, Ron spoke to the American people. "F you Bush, and F you Dick. I'll offer my congratulations in hell! Next time, we're not going to let you rig the ballots against me. "I strongly urge the American people to TP the White House and to moon any limousines you might spot around the DC area. "Over the next four years, you will see America continue to crumble. The same old drab national anthem will continue to bore you, criminals will overrun your neighborhood, and the Panama Canal will still be owned by foreigners. "Just remember that in 2004, the Ronatarian Party is here to take back America. Until then, stay indoors and never trust a democrat or republican. Long live the Ronatarian Empire!"

Posted by Webmaster at 09:50 PM | TrackBack

Ron Congratulates New President Elect

Wednesday - December 13, 2000

In a speech following Gore's which only aired in some obscure provinces in Canada, Ron spoke to the American people.

"F you Bush, and F you Dick. I'll offer my congratulations in hell! Next time, we're not going to let you rig the ballots against me.

"I strongly urge the American people to TP the White House and to moon any limousines you might spot around the DC area.

"Over the next four years, you will see America continue to crumble. The same old drab national anthem will continue to bore you, criminals will overrun your neighborhood, and the Panama Canal will still be owned by foreigners.

"Just remember that in 2004, the Ronatarian Party is here to take back America. Until then, stay indoors and never trust a democrat or republican. Long live the Ronatarian Empire!"

Posted by Ron at 12:16 AM | TrackBack