January 30, 2001

Funny Money

Danville, Kentucky, January 30, 2001:

Talk about funny money.

Police in Kentucky are looking for a customer who succeeded in paying for a $2 order at a fast-food restaurant with a phony $200 bill featuring a picture of Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron and a depiction of a Camaro with a bumper sticker saying, "I Love Fondue."

Authorities say the female cashier at a Dairy Queen in Danville even gave the culprit $198 in real money as change.

"Essentially, the story is that somebody at a drive-in ordered some food and passed a $200 novelty deal with Ron," Danville Police Detective Bob Williamson said.

"At a distance it looks like a real bill, it's got the green color,"

Williamson said when asked how the cashier possibly could mistake it for genuine money.

The cartoonish bill was accepted on Sunday evening by the Dairy Queen cashier despite having Ron on one side and a winged mustache on the other. The phony bill also depicted Ron's famed Chevrolet Camaro with bumper stickers reading "Enough Jibba-Jabba!," "No more Burger King" and "I Love Fondue," the last apparently referring to Ron's love of all cheese-based products.

No U.S. currency has a picture of Ron, let alone a reference to liking cheese.

Because there is no actual $200 currency, the culprit could face a charge of theft by deception but not counterfeiting, Williamson said.

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January 22, 2001

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 14 - January 22, 2001

It has been a grueling weekend for the Ron Pear. Shortly after his emergence from the freezer, he could not stand on his own toothpicks. I had to lie him down on his side which caused his head to split open and ooze a clear-like fluid on the ground. He has spent the last couple of days resting on a Bounty towelette.

The Ron Pear's skin is beginning to regain its rigidity. His insides remain squishy. I think that in time, he will make a complete recovery. We did learn that Ron becomes an African American when going out in the cold after swimming. We can use this knowledge to bridge the barriers between race. 

Our other two friends are faring well. It seems that Ron Macintosh is lighter than the others, although he's clearly the largest. They seem very concerned over Ron the Pear. 

Mr Wonderful (Paul Orndorff) had the following to say about the Ron Pear's current condition:
"What we're witnessing here is equivalent to puberty for the Ron Pear. He's going through a transformation into a greater, stronger, more bad-assed Ron. His blood sugar is all out of whack. He's feeling a bit fruity. When he comes out of this, he's gonna open a big can of whoop ass. Can you smell what the Ron is cookin'?"

We will keep you up to date on any recent developments. Our scientists are working around the clock to unravel the secrets of the universe which the Ron apple experiments are uncovering.

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January 18, 2001

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 10 - January 18, 2001

For the first time ever, the crappy digital camera captured the true colors of the Ron apples. They spent 24 hours in the freezer with miraculous results.

Yellow Delicious Ron and Macintosh Ron came out with a thin layer of frost. Ron Pear, however, turned a dark brown. His skin is almost the same color as his hair.

The Ron Pear is losing molecular integrity. He's soft, wet, and squishy after the thaw. Just a few days ago, he was proving himself the dominant male. Now, any fall might bruise him severely. The dent on his forehead is an oozing painful looking sore. There is some connection here between the Ron pear, freezing, and rapid skin bronzing.

The other two seem as vigorous as ever. Yellow Delicious Ron actually looks younger with an improved complexion. Macintosh Ron is a proud apple with his tough burly skin and seems to be saying "who's your daddy?"

News flash! As I was typing this, the Ron Pear lunged off the table and onto the floor. He can no longer stand on his own 3 toothpicks. I have allowed him to rest on his head until the ebola passes. I sure hope he makes it. Things are not looking good for the sickly and gooey Ron Pear. The Ron Apple experiments will resume on sunday or monday.

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January 17, 2001

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 9 - January 17, 2001

Today the Ron apples went for a swim in the sink. Ron pear took a drive straight down to the bottom and banged up his forehead a little. We hope it doesn't permanently scar. We did learn that the Ron Pear stays at the bottom while the other two float.  

The Ron Apples mastered the backstroke in no time (without any flailing of limbs). What does this mean in the grand scheme of things?
Obviously the Ron with the darkest mustache has attained new submergible technology! In time, we will be able to harness the power of Ron to travel faster than the speed of light - underwater.

I predict that Ron will finally end the cold war (using his superior technologies as his trump card) once he is elected in 2004. Logically, the next step is for the Ron apples to visit the freezer.

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January 16, 2001

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 8 - January 16, 2001

Amazingly enough, today the Ron apples went through no transformation at all. None. After all the shrinking, turning red, and wrinkling, it seems like they just decided to stop.
The Rons like to play and stack atop each other.

After a hard day of playing, the Rons took a nice long nap. How this relates to the world of science is unknown at this point.
Tomorrow will be full of excitement when the Ron apples go for a swim in the tub. That's right, no more standing around on a bookshelf. I can foresee some great progress in the experiments in the near future.

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January 15, 2001

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 7 - January 15, 2001

The Ron apple clan seems to have shaken off their red glow and are back to the fun loving, happy Ron apples we have grown to know and love.

Macintosh Ron (shown on the left) is looking pretty old these days. He's covered in bumps.and has shrunk from his original height of 3.13" to 2.9". He's textured with brown cracks between the lumps. 

Yellow Delicious Ron is still looking young and chipper. He has a few wrinkles, but he's still a white boy. He's shrunken from 2.92" to 2.60".

Mr Ron Pear is down from 3.12" to 3.00". He could be a 3 inch pianist. 

So will the Ron apples stay unevil? Or will they spew forth into a burning fiery inferno of vengeance and terror? And why are there so many songs about Brad? When will somebody make a Brad apple?

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January 14, 2001

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 6 - January 14, 2001, The Day of Evil

Ron Macintosh - Day 6
It all started around 11pm when the Macintosh Ron started to emanate an evil red glow. This is straight out of the textbooks. There are witnesses who claim that Ron would glow a blood-like red right before a difficult thermodynamics exam. Some call this persona "Ron, God of Misery".

Yellow Delicious Ron - Day 5
Ron Pear - Day 4
As if on cue, the other 2 Rons added their own display of blood thirsty rage. Does this show us that Ron is evil or the prince of darkness? Or perhaps Ron was so traumatized by a thermodynamics exam that he glows red every January 14. 

Is this man responsible for the Ron Apples' day of evil?

Dr Erol Ulucakli told us that "this is called the 'quickening'. It's a state where Ron's blood changes from liquid to vapor and then back to liquid again. It's really a very efficient cycle of heat transfer which is difficult to control - especially with a control system such as Ron's body. The fact that he can control it shows great fortitude. I always knew that Ron had a great grasp of entropy."

We will have to wait until tomorrow to see if the glow will subside. Then I will have to decide whether to contain the experiments behind bullet proof glass and buy a lot of garlic.

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January 13, 2001

The Ron Apple Experiments Day 5 - January 13, 2001

Ron Pear - Day 3
Who's your apple? Certainly not the Ron Pear. He is today's winner for most appealing transformation. His skin is starting to take on a darker color. Perhaps this is a Latino version of Ron.

Macintosh Ron Day 5
Yellow Delicious Ron Day 4
There is little change with our other 2 Ron apples. Ron the Macintosh is suffering a little more from his dry skin condition. Yellow Delicious is still the white boy, although a little drier.

The Ron apples persistently stare. The way their eyes follow you is spooky. It seems like the calm before the storm. Something big is about to happen here, folks.

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January 11, 2001

Haggis Smuggling

Edinburgh, Scotland, January 11, 2001:

Expatriate Scots from the U.S. to Australia are being forced into the shadowy world of international haggis smuggling to ensure the real McCoy arrives at the dinner table for the traditional Burns Night Supper.

The January 25 knees-up in honor of Scotland's best-loved bard, Robert "Rabbie" Burns, is celebrated across the globe by the millions who trace their roots back to the ancient Highland nation.

But the real centerpiece of the whisky-fuelled supper -- the haggis, lauded in Burns' earthy address to the "great chieftain o' the puddin' race" -- is often left out in the cold because of import bans on its offal-based ingredients.

"I am aiming to keep it away," declared former U.S. Presidential candidate Ron (Ronatarian Party). "I can't see the point in these kilt-wearing bastards' desire to eat that s--t. It's disgusting!"

Refusing to see a 200-year-old ceremony succumb to the 21st century's taste for food scares, many haggis lovers aching for the authentic taste of their homeland are setting up their own clandestine shipments.

"We tell all our customers about the bans, but once they've bought a haggis, it's up to them. I'm sure many haggis find their way through customs in the bottom of suitcases," said Edinburgh-based haggis aficionado Josie Macsween. Her family-run business, seen by many as being to haggis what Haagen Dazs is to ice cream, has been working flat out since the beginning of December for the biggest night in the haggis calendar.

But Scots in America, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Japan, China and Switzerland will never see a juicy Scottish haggis on supermarket shelves due to import bans on the dish, traditionally made from boiled up lamb, beef and oatmeal stuffed into a cow's intestine. That's where the smugglers make their mark: on the need for a "haggis fix".

"These illegal haggis smugglers must be stopped," declared Ron at a northern New Jersey elementary school cafeteria, where he is known to dine. "Don't these people know that haggis can lead to the hard stuff? Sure...first it's just haggis, but then it's gaspacho or fois gras or borsht...when will the madness end!?!"

There have even been requests to send food parcels to addresses in France near the border with Switzerland for haggis-hungry Swiss to pick up in secret.

"Even the goddamn 'neutral' Swiss are in on this international smuggling ring! This is preposterous!" shouted Ron, startling the first-graders in the ice cream line in front of him. "If demand is that high in Switzerland, just think of the volume of haggis that the U.S. market will demand."

"There is huge demand in the U.S." Macsween concurred. "But half of me is almost happy the ban is there -- otherwise we wouldn't be able to cope."

Unfortunately, the haggis smugglers are amply filling the American demand for the traditional delicacy and making huge profits to boot. The U.S. Government is trying to put a stop to this and President-elect George W. Bush has listed it as one of the top issues of his first five days in office.

"He won't do anything," said Ron. "We all know he won't do s--t about it."

Haggis hybrids have started to emerge as a result of the authorities' distaste for offal, including hugely popular vegetarian numbers and even a U.S. "Hawaiian-style" haggis made of a de-boned chicken stuffed with pineapple and ham, Macsween said.

It has also opened up a lucrative market for local haggis makers.
Ross MacLochness, an Oregon-based butcher, is doing a roaring trade in U.S. Department of Agriculture-approved dishes, but says it's a shame Americans can't taste the real thing.

"Everything that's in a haggis is in a hotdog," MacLochness said.
When told of this statement, Ron retorted, "So why not just eat a hot dog?"

And if public paranoia over what is and is not safe to eat should ever threaten the haggis' existence in its homeland?

"If they did anything to ban haggis, Scotland would rise again. You can't tamper with our national dish," Macsween said.

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The Ron Apple Experiments Day 3 - January 11, 2001

Ron Pear - Day 1
This pear is our third template for the Ron Apple experiments. You may ask why a pear is being used in the apple experiments. In France, a pear is called "poire". A potato is called "pomme de terre" which means "apple of the earth". Since potatoes are squishy like pears, by the transitive property, we can classify the pear in the apple category.


We kept some of the dark skin of the pear to use as Ron's hair and 'stache. It is a spectacle of magnificent beauty. The clammy off-white skin is almost identical to that of the two apples on day 1, but a bit smoother.As you can see, this Ron has a chin problem. Cosmetic surgery was considered, but to maintain the integrity of the experiment was left alone.There are some brownish coloring in the deeper recesses of the cuts, which is common to the Ron Apples.

The ambient temperature is 64.8 degrees Fahrenheit with an outdoor temperature of 30.4.
Height = 3.12"
Width = 2.62"
Skin - moist and smooth.

Ron Macintosh Apple - Day 3
Ron Yellow Delicious - Day 2
Amazingly enough, Ron Macintosh has developed a bumpy brownish skin rash. There is no evidence of a fever, and perhaps this is a completely normal occurrence for a Ron apple. Perhaps it is a type of acne. He's definitely showing more texture than yesterday. A bump on his nose seems to be infected. His dimensions appear to be the same as before.

Day 2 of the Yellow Delicious Ron shows some spectacular deviation from the Ron Macintosh of Day 2. Besides some slight browning in the crevices, he remains only slightly less white than before. Dimensionally, this Ron is the same as yesterday.Which Ron is the dominant male? It is too early to say. The Macintosh looks more weathered and tough, but the Yellow Delicious is more bad assed in the smooth pure pretty boy way of things. Look out behind, for who knows what fruit the Ron Pear will bear.
It's incredible to watch these experiments in action. Much like the apple which fell on Newton's head prompted the discovery of Newtonian physics, the Ron apples will spawn a new era of discovery, perhaps bringing forth Rontonian Metaphysics.

Posted by Ron at 09:21 PM | TrackBack

January 10, 2001

The Ron Apple Experiments, Day 2 - January 10, 2001

Ron Yellow Delicious Apple - Day 1
This is a Yellow Delicious apple which serves as our template for the 2nd Ron Apple experiment. Really, it is more yellow that that. You are not looking at a snowball, folks.

To my great surprise this apple, once carved, turned out a color and texture very similar to the Macintosh apple from yesterday. This is truly amazing, as they were completely different colors initially!
This Ron Apple is not as eyeball mutated as the Macintosh, but still.. what's with those googley eyes? Are we trying to say that Ron has the amazing ability to pop his eyes out of his head like that lady on the Guinness Book of World Records TV show? This may have some connection to the great mysteries these Ron apples will unleash.
There are no brown splotches developing yet as in the original. Surely, this Ron is more pure and Caucasian than the other. He is very difficult to photograph due to his glowing skin. Shine on you crazy Ron.

The ambient temperature is 66.0 degrees Fahrenheit with an outdoor temperature of 15.3.
Height = 2.92"
Width = 2.85"
Skin - slimy and delicious

Ron Macintosh Apple - Day 2
This is absolutely amazing! Ron's skin is no longer wet. His skin has developed a thin texturous skin which is cold and squishy when squeezed. The edges have gotten brown in some places. I must say that the skin color has changed completely to a very light doo doo brown. 

Ron's dimensions and volume remain the same. No fruit flies have discovered the wonders of the Ron apple.
It seems content to exist. It is aware of its own existence and therefore does exist. However, there is no way for us to know with absolute certainty of the Ron Apple's awareness without defining a list of predefined criteria about matter, time, etc. However, I don't have time for that right now and will seek the assistance of somebody like Descartes (I sure hope he's not dead yet).
Thus, today's experiments come to an end. Which Ron fruit will tomorrow bring? Some say banana, some say pear, and others say Granny apple. Some of these people are completely out of their minds. Why hasn't anybody ever built a SnowRon?

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January 09, 2001

The Ron Apple Experiments, Day 1 - January 9, 2001

This is the original template for the Ron apple experiment - a shiny red Macintosh apple. The true brilliant color doesn't show in this photo, but that's what happens when you get a free digital camera from your ISP. 

The Macintosh Ron is off-white in color and damp. Slight brown splotches form after about a half hour. As shown in the photo shown to the left, this Ron has eyes farther apart than an average Ron, adding to its abstract artistic integrity rivaling the works of Picasso.

The ambient temperature is 66.7 degrees Fahrenheit with an outdoor temperature of 27.9.
Height = 3.13"
Width = 2.88"
Skin - slimy and yummy

There are no foreseen problems to date. This Ron apple was born at approximately 10pm on 1/9/01. He displaces 12 ounces of H20. What will this Ron apple discover for the world of science? Only time will tell.

Tomorrow will yield the creation of a new type of Ron apple. I must consult with my research team before announcing which type. Morale is high.

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January 03, 2001

Ronline Chat With Chilean President

Santiago, Chile, January 3, 2001:

Chilean President Ricardo Lagos admitted on Wednesday that he was not popular with girls in his adolescence, a confession he made during an Internet chat session aimed at bringing the government and citizens closer.

The chat was mirrored in the United States by defeated presidential candidate Ron, who linked into the Chilean leader's session.

"I went to parties, but the girls always looked at others," said Lagos, who also aims to spur Internet access for the nation's 15 million people.

"Yeah...that sounds like my social life back then," scribbled Ron at a not-so-trendy San Francisco cyber-cafe. "I took a lot of abuse from girls back in the day. My current philosophy of keeping women at an arm's length is mending some of the emotional scars from my past. When a woman annoys me, I put her at the end of my arm and smack the ho!"

Lagos responded, "I do not think that is right, Ron. I have let time and love heal the superficial wounds caused by teen spurning. I now embrace the women in my life, especially my lovely wife Luisa [Duran]."

"Yeah, you say that now Ricardo," typed Ron, "but you know misogyny is the wave of the future. If Chile would step into the modern 'liberated' world, it would see that women are ruining everything. Do you have to watch douche commercials on your TV!?! I sure as hell do...and I can't take it anymore!"

Also during his conversation with more than 400 participants, Ron revealed that he thinks chili should be the official food of Chile. "It makes sense, right?"

Lagos quickly logged off and gave a brief statement condemning Ron's views on women and national cuisine. "He is clearly a madman," Lagos uttered to members of the Chilean press.

Ron claimed "victory" from this brief on-line chat and invited other world leaders to "try their hand at beating me."

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