Haggis Smuggling

Edinburgh, Scotland, January 11, 2001:

Expatriate Scots from the U.S. to Australia are being forced into the shadowy world of international haggis smuggling to ensure the real McCoy arrives at the dinner table for the traditional Burns Night Supper.

The January 25 knees-up in honor of Scotland's best-loved bard, Robert "Rabbie" Burns, is celebrated across the globe by the millions who trace their roots back to the ancient Highland nation.

But the real centerpiece of the whisky-fuelled supper -- the haggis, lauded in Burns' earthy address to the "great chieftain o' the puddin' race" -- is often left out in the cold because of import bans on its offal-based ingredients.

"I am aiming to keep it away," declared former U.S. Presidential candidate Ron (Ronatarian Party). "I can't see the point in these kilt-wearing bastards' desire to eat that s--t. It's disgusting!"

Refusing to see a 200-year-old ceremony succumb to the 21st century's taste for food scares, many haggis lovers aching for the authentic taste of their homeland are setting up their own clandestine shipments.

"We tell all our customers about the bans, but once they've bought a haggis, it's up to them. I'm sure many haggis find their way through customs in the bottom of suitcases," said Edinburgh-based haggis aficionado Josie Macsween. Her family-run business, seen by many as being to haggis what Haagen Dazs is to ice cream, has been working flat out since the beginning of December for the biggest night in the haggis calendar.

But Scots in America, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Japan, China and Switzerland will never see a juicy Scottish haggis on supermarket shelves due to import bans on the dish, traditionally made from boiled up lamb, beef and oatmeal stuffed into a cow's intestine. That's where the smugglers make their mark: on the need for a "haggis fix".

"These illegal haggis smugglers must be stopped," declared Ron at a northern New Jersey elementary school cafeteria, where he is known to dine. "Don't these people know that haggis can lead to the hard stuff? Sure...first it's just haggis, but then it's gaspacho or fois gras or borsht...when will the madness end!?!"

There have even been requests to send food parcels to addresses in France near the border with Switzerland for haggis-hungry Swiss to pick up in secret.

"Even the goddamn 'neutral' Swiss are in on this international smuggling ring! This is preposterous!" shouted Ron, startling the first-graders in the ice cream line in front of him. "If demand is that high in Switzerland, just think of the volume of haggis that the U.S. market will demand."

"There is huge demand in the U.S." Macsween concurred. "But half of me is almost happy the ban is there -- otherwise we wouldn't be able to cope."

Unfortunately, the haggis smugglers are amply filling the American demand for the traditional delicacy and making huge profits to boot. The U.S. Government is trying to put a stop to this and President-elect George W. Bush has listed it as one of the top issues of his first five days in office.

"He won't do anything," said Ron. "We all know he won't do s--t about it."

Haggis hybrids have started to emerge as a result of the authorities' distaste for offal, including hugely popular vegetarian numbers and even a U.S. "Hawaiian-style" haggis made of a de-boned chicken stuffed with pineapple and ham, Macsween said.

It has also opened up a lucrative market for local haggis makers.
Ross MacLochness, an Oregon-based butcher, is doing a roaring trade in U.S. Department of Agriculture-approved dishes, but says it's a shame Americans can't taste the real thing.

"Everything that's in a haggis is in a hotdog," MacLochness said.
When told of this statement, Ron retorted, "So why not just eat a hot dog?"

And if public paranoia over what is and is not safe to eat should ever threaten the haggis' existence in its homeland?

"If they did anything to ban haggis, Scotland would rise again. You can't tamper with our national dish," Macsween said.

Posted by Webmaster at January 11, 2001 10:50 PM