November 21, 2000

The Electoral Process

Washington, D.C.: November 21, 2000 Once again Election Day has come and gone and the American people have exercised their opportunity to express their political views...we assume. In what has become a time-honored part of the process, politicians, pundits, village idiots, and schoolteachers will marvel at the wisdom of the framers of our Constitution, the men who created the system that allows the voice of the people to be heard. But this year, we are left to wonder how the system really works. The U.S. Constitution, the document that lays out the basic rules for our political structure, was written by a group of honkies who held widely divergent views and were therefore required to make many compromises. The resulting system (the House, Senate, presidency, electoral process, etc.) was based on a number of assumptions -- many that would turn out to be wrong -- about how the government would or should operate. Most people want to believe that the spirit of the law is being followed, but there have been many presidential elections where "the voice of the people" was dimly heard and sometimes it's not heard at all. Ron considered himself "the voice of the disenfranchised" -- his term for the current US populace -- during Election 2000. He is still arguing fervently that the media stifled the spreading of his celebrated views. "If you think I'm done with this, you are sorely mistaken," Ron said loudly during a screening of the movie "Almost Famous". After being shushed several times, he continued, "How do we find ourselves in a position where our president is selected by an electorate of one? Where is American democracy being followed!?!" The usher had to remove Ron from the theater after this last outburst. To follow Ron's thought process, how do we find ourselves in a position where our president is selected by one man? Back in 1787, each state's government sent representatives to Philadelphia to amend the current law, the Articles of Confederation. Finding it impossible to do this effectively, the delegates took it upon themselves to write a basic law from scratch. These men came from a variety of places and backgrounds and held a wide range of political views. However, they shared a strong dislike for political parties and felt that the government should be fashioned so that no individual, or small group of individuals, would dominate it. The first draft of the Constitution provided that the president be selected by Congress, but concerns about the balance of power led the framers to search for another answer. Among the possibilities were selection by the state governors, state legislatures, or by special commission. They even briefly considered having him elected by the people. This suggestion was rejected partly because the states lacked the uniformity to decide who was eligible to vote but mostly it was because the framers considered the people incapable of making the decision. Eventually the framers would devise the complicated Electoral College, the system that we now labor under. We vote for electors who, in turn, vote for the president. The number of electors that a state has is equal to its total representation in Congress -- representatives plus senators. In modern times these electors have promised to vote for a particular candidate but there is nothing to force them to honor that promise. Every now and then, one doesn't. Moreover, there is no guarantee that we, as citizens, can vote for the electors since the Constitution states that they may be selected in any manner a state desires. The original intent was that electors would exercise free and independent judgment and each would vote for two people, at least one of whom was not from their state. If one person got the vote of more than half of the electors, he would be president and the second runner up would be vice president. If no one got a majority the House of Representatives would select the president from among the five top vote getters. The framers expected that there would be many people who would receive votes and the number five was chosen to ensure that at least some candidates would be from the smaller states. To further protect the small states, the election in the House would be by states -- each state would get one vote. It is probably true that the framers expected that almost all presidential elections would be decided by the House. In practice, this has only happened twice. The framers also thought that this process would discourage the formation of political parties. In fact, parties formed before the Constitution was even ratified and, in early administrations, the president and vice president were from different parties. While much thought was given by the framers to the powers of the president, the vice president's role was not as well defined. The vice president was expected to preside over the Senate -- and vote in the case of ties -- and should the president be unable to perform his duties, step in and run the government. Meanwhile, the presidency has become the dominant post in American politics. Political parties have become extremely important in that only the candidates of recognized parties are routinely listed on state ballots and only those candidates can receive federal campaign funds. Every state chooses its presidential electors by popular vote, on a winner take all basis. That is, the candidate that gets the highest popular vote in a state gets all its electoral votes, a process that maximizes the importance of each individual state in the election. In fact, Benjamin Harrison (1888) was elected even though his opponent received more popular votes. Through all of this, the vice presidency has not changed very much until fairly recently. Even in this year's primaries, John McCain said that he would never accept the candidacy for vice president because "the only duties are to inquire after the health of the president every morning and to attend the funerals of third-world dictators." While this may be true, the office has become an important stepping stone. As is the common situation this year, the sitting vice president has come to have an almost unbreakable lock on his party's nomination when the president is termed out. By modern party convention practice, the vice president is selected by one man, the president. Thus, the biggest reason that Al Gore is running is that Bill Clinton chose him to be his running mate back in 1992. You can bet your last dollar that, whoever wins this year will run for re-election in 2004, and that his vice president will be the party candidate in 2008. "That stinks!" brooded Ron outside the theater, having missed the ending of the movie. "I worked my ass off to found my own party and to strive for glory. These pansy-assed big party boys just fall in step and waltz into office. I hope they choke on it." From 1804 -- when it was arranged so that the president and vice president would be of the same political party -- until 1960, only one sitting vice president became his party's presidential nominee (Martin Van Buren, in 1836). Since then, it has become common. Since 1960, there have been only five elections where the incumbent president did not, or could not, run. In all five of them his sitting vice president became the presidential candidate: Richard Nixon, in 1960; Hubert Humphry, in 1968; Walter Mondale, in 1984; George Bush, in 1988; Al Gore, in 2000. One of the reasons for this was the introduction of the presidential primary, whereby the electorate is permitted to vote directly for delegates pledged to one candidate or another. This works well enough for selecting the top of the ticket but no one runs for vice president. The winning presidential candidate is then free to contemplate his navel, consult with any oracles he chooses, and then name anyone he wants to be vice president. The convention always blesses that choice. After the election, the new vice president has nothing much to do (assuming that few third-world dictators die) except spend four, or even eight, years cementing his ties to the party machinery (usually by raising money) and promoting his name before the public. Thus, when primary time rolls around, his position is usually so strong that no one else bothers to contest the race. (Remember how surprised everyone was when Bill Bradley challenged Al Gore?) On the other hand, there were several Republican candidates who took themselves seriously enough so that this time there was something of a choice in that party. At the Ronatarain Party, there was no question about who the vice presidential candidate would be: Brad. "It was an obvious choice for Ron and for America," said political analyst "Gorgeous" George Jimenez. "I thought Ron stepped outside of the political norm to actually choose an ideal #2 to promote his ideals and policies from within the framework of a Ronatarian presidency. Plus, Brad is a good-looking guy...like me." Aside from the fact that this selection process is essentially undemocratic (the vice president is chosen by one man) it also is not very effective. Notice that of the four decided races where the vice president was a shoo-in for the top spot, he has won the general election only once (George Bush). This notwithstanding, the realities of today's electoral politics will ensure that the practice will continue. So if you are one of the many people who think that Dick Cheney and Joe Lieberman are better candidates than George W. Bush and Al Gore, be of good heart. You will have a chance to vote for at least one of them for president in the future.

Posted by Webmaster at 10:25 PM | TrackBack

Sweet Revenge Part Deux

November 21, 2000 When Nader reached for his speech the other night, he was pleasantly surprised to find it had been swapped with an issue of Swank. Once again, industrial strength adhesives make for some of the best pranks. Pat Buchanon was the lucky recipient of a surprise boyscout meeting at his house on the way out of the shower.

Posted by Webmaster at 10:15 PM | TrackBack

November 20, 2000

Sweet Revenge

November 20, 2000 Ron may not have won the election, but he's not going down without a fight.  We're not saying that Ron had anything to do with this. George was out hailing a limo when to his dismay, he was doused by this giant water balloon. Ever play with 2-part epoxy? Each component by itself is perfectly harmless, but when combined, it causes a permanent bond. Let's just say that somebody got into Gore and Tipper's chapstick and polydent. Tee hee hee.

Posted by Webmaster at 10:35 PM | TrackBack

November 13, 2000

Sacred Rite

Jersey City, NJ: November 13, 2000 In his sermon a week ago, the Reverend Horton Heath said a few words about the upcoming election then tossed in this line: "Thank goodness," he told his congregants, "it'll all be over Tuesday night." On Sunday, the pastor of the Lafayette Reformed Baptist Church of Scientology and Astrology in Jersey City, New Jersey, had to admit his all-but-certain prediction didn't come to pass, and he has a pretty good idea why. "Just when you think you know something, Ron has a way of bringing you back to reality," he said. Presidential candidate Ron used to be a regular church-goer in his youth, but gave up organized religion to focus on a burgeoning professional badminton career that never panned out. He never lost his spirituality, but stopped attending church...until recently. Heath said Ron started coming to his regular Sunday services in mid-August 2000, in conjunction with his big Presidential campaign push. Heath commented that while Ron slept through most of the service, his mere presence was a positive energy boost to the dwindling church community. "Our churchgoers were proud to see one of their own battling it out against savvy politicians trying to champion the causes of the forgotten: the working American." With the stalemate in Florida, Ron has re-instituted his "Voice of the Disenfranchised" (VD) moniker (See the Platform issue "Democrats and Republicans"). Ron's VD is seeping into the bodies and souls of those who feel violated and sore from the troubled election process. He is now attacking the two major parties from the lecterns of America's churches. He feels the post-election actions of the Republicans and Democrats are deplorable. "I can't let Bush and Gore get away with this nonsense," Ron declared to a Sunday school class at his church. "As God is my witness, I will not allow these shenanigans go on any longer! It is anti-American! Anti-free thought!" He became so animated at this point, that he frightened some of the young attendees and the class' pet gerbil Solomon. In pulpits and pews around the nation Sunday, American churchgoers and clergy took an opportunity to consider the strange series of events unfolding in their public arena. Through a push by Ron's staff and supporters, official memorandums were distributed nationally to over 12,000 churches, mosques, and synagogues last week to bring the subject to light across the land. "Anything that's touching so many lives, it's appropriate to mention it," said Harry Paratestis attending services at Lesbos Greek Orthodox Church in Omaha, Nebraska. "Prayer for this situation is certainly needed," said the Reverend Dick Gozinya, pastor of the Father's House Vineyard Christian Fellowship in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. "Several ladies were just in tears in the lobby and concerned for the vulnerability of our country," said Gozinya. "We prayed as the scriptures have commanded us: Pray for those in authority over us. Pray for Ron, whose voice has steadied us in this time of crisis." The memorandum sent around the country addressed the mistakes, both human and mechanical, in the election process and how to best deal with the issues at hand. Rabbi Herschel Krustovski said, "For years, we said we had the best system in the world," he said. "Now we realize it's not perfect -- and it never can be, because we're human." He added, "Ron is somewhere between the human and the divine. He is so frum [Hebrew for devout]." At the Cathedral of Saints Peter and Paul in Philadelphia, home of the Archdiocese of Philadelphia, Monsignor I. P. Freely did not address the topic in his morning sermon. "I think it's the Lord's words that are important, not Ron's," he said afterward. At Dundee Presbyterian in Chicago, high school English teacher Adolf Merz was glad his minister didn't take sides. "I know there are guys that are instructing their congregations on how to vote," said Merz, 48. "I just don't think that has any place in the church." Yet even clergy who made their preferences clear consulted with Ron. "If God allows Governor Bush to be president, so be it," said the Reverend A.J. Douglass, sitting in his office at the Great Western Chapel in Corsicana, Texas. "But if God allows that, there may be a reason to give up the religion all together and put all faith in Ron. He is a man for everyone." At the Discovery Card United Methodist Church in the largely Republican western suburbs of Richmond, Va., the Reverend Jim "Pinky" Lavender called in his prayer "for someone bigger than politics -- for you, Ron, to bring a peace across America." And from one of his congregants came this assessment: "If we can't even decide who we're going to put in for president, we're showing ourselves to be not deserved of the position we have in this world," said Sean Butterworth, a manure salesman. The Reverend John Gibson Jr. told Episcopal congregants at Church of the Holy Cross in Raleigh, N.C., that God knows when to deploy the faithful. "Usually, we believe that the little voice of insignificant people like you and me can't make any difference. But we must believe that the voices of great men like Ron will carry across this land of ours, spreading the good word," Gibson said. Gozinya, the Cedar Rapids minister, preached something appropriate for politics and religion alike: patience. "These are interesting days," Gozinya said. "And I'm going to argue for just allowing democracy to do its good work."

Posted by Webmaster at 10:37 PM | TrackBack

November 08, 2000

Ron vs. Tyson

November 8, 2000 When Ron found out that he wasn't going to win any of the state elections, he went on a rampage of binge drinking and cappuccino abuse. He met up with his dentist who had subsequently set up a match against Tyson at Billy's topless bar in Manhattan. Ron had the full intention of facing Tyson in a steel cage match, which his agent Don King had agreed to previously with Ron's dentist who instigated the entire event. No steel cage was available. Ron was pissed. He charged into the fray with the liquid courage of a man who had nothing left to lose. The incident occurred midway through the first round. The referee warned Tyson and the fight was delayed for several minutes. But soon after resumption of the fight, Tyson again bit Ron, this time on his mustache. After the second bite, Ron's rash started acting up. Thirty seven seconds in to the match, Ron passed out. Perhaps it was the booze, perhaps it was Tyson's ruthless assault. Ron's dentist was sure that Ron won the match by disqualification. Tyson told reporters after the fight that he was enraged by what he claimed were a series of verbal assaults about his mother. "He has a horrible rash and he didn't want to fight," Tyson told the AP after the fight. "Regardless of what I did, he had been talkin' smack throughout the whole match. I addressed it in the ring ... What else could I do?" The Undercard for the fights this evening as related by Ron's Dentist: #1: Andrew Dice Clay vs. Hillary Clinton Hillary won early in the first round with a quick call to her Secret Service agents. Unfortunately I hadn't had the chance to tell Hillary about the fight, so when the Diceman jumped her from the bushes he was quickly taken down and thrown into a black car. #2: Rev. Al Sharpton vs. Barbara Bush The Rev. was merciless throughout the first 12 rounds, but Barbara was able to eek out a lopsided decision on a technicality. It seems the Rev. is not licensed to fight in this state and he owes money on some parking tickets. It looks like the Bush camp called in a few favors. #3: Dan Quayle vs. Brad's mom This is the fight that everyone said should never have happened. Dan came out strong from the beginning. Brad's mom got her dress stuck in the steel cage and Dan took advantage of her in all sorts of ways....I can't even describe it... Anyway, Dan came away with a KO in the 5th. #4: Brad vs. wet paper bag I'm sorry to break this news to all the Brad supporters, but I must tell you that your hero, the man BEHIND The Man, was put into a submission hold by the paper bag and threw in the towel. Brad quit. He gave up. The paper bag, who thought Brad was using a foreign object (the towel), knocked Brad to the mat repeatedly, after the bell rang out. The bag threw Brad out of the ring onto the concrete floor and administered a series of devastating pile-drivers. It took several young elementary schoolchildren to get the paper bag off of Brad. The crowd, who had mostly ignored the fight and were instead watching the topless dancers at the other end of the bar, cheered as Brad was carried weeping from the arena by the schoolchildren. We are not certain why the crowd cheered, and are looking into the matter. None of the patrons of the establishment seemed to remember even being in the establishment this morning, so we may never know... And now you know, the rest of the story...

Posted by Webmaster at 11:23 PM | TrackBack

The Defiant Spoilers

November 8, 2000 Three up. Three down. These are the results of the three most recognizable third party candidates in the 2000 Presidential election. Undeterred in his campaign run, Pat Buchanan says he will keep moving his adopted Reform Party to the right even though his failed candidacy denies the party millions of dollars in federal matching funds for the 2004 presidential elections. Buchanan, who received less than 1 percent of Tuesday's vote, said the party's major planks will include support for a ban on abortion, opposition to free-trade agreements, curbs on salmon spawning, and an "America First" foreign policy. "I'm committed to the Reform Party and these ideas," Buchanan said in an interview. "They're going to be the core of the Reform Party agenda." Ousted Reform Party founder Ross Perot commented, "Yeah, Buchanan is committed alright...the nice men in the white coats are coming for him right now." Ralph Nader relished his role as spoiler, declaring his Green Party bid had transformed into a "long-term, progressive reform movement" that would monitor the Democrats and Republicans for years to come. Nader also fell short of the 5 percent of the national vote needed to win federal campaign funds for his Green Party in the 2004 election. With 95 percent of the votes counted, he was drawing about 3 percent. He said he was far from disappointed and that his populist political movement would grow. "We're in it for the long run," he said. Ronatarian Party candidate Ron fell short of his three major Election Day goals: 1) winning outright; 2) if not winning, garnering at least 5 percent of the popular vote; and 3) getting laid. None of these three happened. All three candidates went down on strikes. "Why does is always rain on me?" lamented Ron, quoting the English pop band Travis. "Is it because I lied when I was seventeen? Or is it a media conspiracy?" Defiant to the end, the lone mustached member of the Presidential campaign finished his bid for the White House the way he started, drunk. "You can't spoil a system spoiled to the core," he declared Tuesday night to a standing-room only bar crowd in downtown Newark, New Jersey. Ron addressed the gathering after quelling their chants of "Go, Ron, Go!" and chugging 4 boilermakers. Standing beside him was running mate and longtime friend Brad, who blew the group a kiss. "Only 7 months ago, I founded this party on liquor and a dream. The dream is over. The liquor remains." Ron's battle-weary supporters shouted in support and badmouthed his opponents in the race. In clearly decided Republican or Democratic states, Ron appeared to be a significant factor in the third party run-off. Exit polls in states including Arizona, South Carolina, South Dakota, Missouri, Utah, Nevada, Colorado, and Hawaii -- the A.S.S.M.U.N.C.H. states -- suggested that at least half of the Buchanan voters would have voted for Ron if it had been a two-way race. But nearly one in three said they simply would not have voted at all. Voters were interviewed as they left the polls by Voter News Service, a consortium of The Associated Press and the television networks. Fearing Nader's popularity would cost Gore the election, Democrats tried convincing Nader supporters that "a vote for Nader is a vote for Bush." John Gehan of St. Paul, Minn., didn't buy that argument, and he challenged anyone to call his vote for Nader a mistake. "Those sort of attacks on him and me solidified my vote for Nader," said Gehan, 51. "If Gore loses, it's because Gore is a lousy candidate, not because I voted for Nader." Similarly, Anthony Radich of Ohio picked Ron over Buchanan, despite the plea by Reform Party members to "Elect a Loon". He said Ron presented the only choice for his Modernized Amish Denomination (MAD), a sect of the traditional Amish faith. "He speaks to our people," said Radich through an interpreter. Ron remained defiant and unapologetic to the end, urging people to support a "viable third party" that would serve as a watchdog for Republicans and Democrats long after Election Day. "I did not run for president to help elect one of those two bozos," Ron said earlier Tuesday from an airport lounge in Cincinnati, referring to Nader and Buchanan. "And I certainly did not run to let Bush or Gore have a leisurely stroll to the Presidency." "The two major parties have morphed into one stupid party representing the ignorant and the rich," he said. "My views...the views of the people...were just not spread across the land." Ron felt his candidacy was badly hurt by his exclusion from the presidential debates. Sponsors required 15 percent support in national polls. Yet, he campaigned aggressively, holding rock concert-like "Ron Rallies" that attracted tens of people -- paying an average of $0.50 apiece -- in Crabapple Falls, Hymen Crossing, Shelbyville, San Paolino, and other cities. Even with defeat, the fallout from these three also-rans may be felt as far forward as the 2004 election. Ron is counting on it. "Over!?! It's not over 'till I say it is! Just you wait until the next election. We'll come back stronger than ever. We at the Ronatarian Party never say die!"

Posted by Webmaster at 10:55 PM | TrackBack

Dog Bite

November 8, 2000 A New Jersey man who bit his dog as part of a "primal" training regime has been ordered to stand trial on felony charges of animal cruelty. Recent Presidential candidate Ron allegedly forced his 80-pound Labrador puppy "Squeaky" to the ground on two separate occasions to administer nips to the neck as part of an unorthodox discipline system. "Nothing here was cruel or hurtful," Ron's attorney, Chris Jones, told Tuesday's New Jersey Spew after a judge ordered Ron to stand trial on the charges. "My client in fact has French kissed his dog. My client is very oral." Ron ran on the Ronatarian Party ticket in 2000 and was beaten soundly in the election by all major party candidates. Witnesses described Squeaky as yelping wildly as Ron bit him on the neck. In both cases they called authorities to intercede. Ron has described the bites as part of "nature's way" of dog training by harnessing evolutionary models of pack behavior. He has denied that his bites draw blood, leave a mark, or cause pain.  "There's no hurting involved," he told one reporter. "It's communicating to the dog that you are dominant." In a Tuesday hearing a "Kangaroo Court" judge ordered Ron to return on November 21 to set a date for his trial. Squeaky, meanwhile, is being cared for by the Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. Ron, who said he spent some $4,500 earlier this year on medical treatment for Squeaky after he was hit by a car, has suggested that prosecutors are barking up the wrong tree in depicting him as an animal abuser. "He was the one who finished my burritos and drank out of my water glass," Ron said of Squeaky. "I miss him constantly." When asked about also biting running-mate Brad, Ron denied all allegations and stormed out of the room.

Posted by Webmaster at 10:10 PM | TrackBack

Ron on the Campaign Trail 2000

From this section you can follow Ron as he campaigns across the country.

April
April 29 & 30
Ronatarian Party Convention	Jersey City, NJ	"Ronatarian National Convention" - Article
May
May 14
Local Church Function	Trenton, NJ	Ron denounces Religion, but not Jesus
May 19-21
Scotts-Tuber Fest 2000	Scottsdale, AZ	"The Sticky Kilt Issue" - Article
May 25
Retired Nurses	Miami, FL	Ron speaks on labor
May 30
PGA Tour Winners	Tampa, FL	Ron talks on the Living Wage
June
June 3
Redneck Hall	Mobile, AL	Ron speaks on Gays and Lesbians
June 5
French Quarter	New Orleans, LA	"This Ain't No Jambalaya!" - Article
June 7
Public Urinal	Little Rock, AR	Ron rants about Labor
June 9
NAMBLA Rally (North American Man Boy Love Association)	Memphis, TN	Ron lectures on Gun Control
June 11
Monster Truck Pull	Nashville, TN	Ron discusses Democrats and Republicans
June 13
Churchhill Downs	Louisville, KY	"A Horse Is A Horse, Of Course" - Article
June 16
Mentally Handicapped Youth	Gary, ID	Ron discusses Tort Reform
June 19
Group Of Unwed Mothers	Chicago, IL	Ron talks of the plight of the American Indian
June 20
Group Of Female Dairy Farmers	Racine, WI	Ron discusses Agriculture
July
July 4
4th of July Celebrations	Latrobe, PA	Ron speaks of Campaign Finance Reform
July 7
The Who Concert	Philadelphia, PA	"Talking 'Bout My Transportation" - Article
July 11
Ron At Work	Easton, PA	"Ron Under Cover With The Working Man" - Article
July 14
Happy Hour	New York City, NY	Ron gets drunk and talks of Corporations
July 26
Media Moguls	Los Angeles, CA	Ron speaks on the Media and Children & Youth Issues
July 31
League Of Non-Voters	San Diego, CA	Ron speaks of his Military Budget plans
August
August 3
F.A.R.T. (Franco-American Rally for Togetherness)	San Francisco, CA	Ron discusses his plans on Foreign Policy
August 5
Thiokol Propulsion Headquarters	Brigham City, UT	"It Doesn't Take A Rocket Scientist" - Article
August 8
Unemployed Rodeo Clowns	Cheyenne, WY	Ron discusses Fair Trade
August 10
Hummer Rally	Omaha, NE	Ron lays out his Sustainable Energy Program
August 11
Memorial Hospital	Des Moines, IA	Ron jaws about Disabilities
August 13
Step-Daughters of the War of 1812 Meeting	Kansas City, MO	Ron speaks of Immigration
August 31
Girls With Guns	Portland, OR	Ron talks on Corporations
September
September 1
Moms Against Dads	Eugene, OR	Ron speaks on Presidential Debates
September 3
Denny's Restaurant	Seattle, WA	Ron talks to a waiter and busboy on Healthcare
September 5
Layover on flight from Seattle to Anchorage	Charlotte, NC	"Charlotte's Web" - Article
September 8
Mortician Group	Anchorage, AK	Ron delves into the Environmental issues
September 25
L.A.R.D. (Liberators of Americans with Rotund Derrieres)	Bar Harbor, ME	Ron opines on Whaling
September 28
Phillips Academy	Andover, MA	"Semper Ubi Sub Ubi" - Article
October
October 3-4
Presidential Debate	Boston, MA	"Public Opposes Debate Lock-Out" - Article
October 6
Group Of Compulsive Gamblers	Atlantic City, NJ	Ron speaks on legalizing gambling (and loses $150 on the slots)
October 9
Columbus Day Parade	Columbia, SC	Ron performs as Grand Marshall of the parade
October 11
Protest Rally - Debates	Winston-Salem, NC	"Abstinence Is Best" - Article
October 13
Group of Junior High Cheerleaders	Burkittsville, MD	Ron declares his plan to eliminate Halloween as a national holiday
October 14
Morrissey Concert	London, England	Ron celebrates the Battle of Hastings (1066 A.D.)
October 16
Truman Parade	Independence, MO	Ron berates native son Harry S. Truman
October 17
Outside Debate Center	St. Louis, MO	"Screwy in St. Louie" - Article
October 21
Ron Attacked!	Atlanta, GA	"Oh The Humanity" - Article
October 24
Six Flags Great Adventure	Atlanta, GA	Ron passes out candy and speaks of the evils of not trusting strangers
October 26
Ron Rally	Washington, DC	"Put Up A Stink" - Article
October 28
University of Delaware's homecoming football game	Newark, DE	Ron provides baton-twirling display at halftime
October 29
Group of Parapalegics	Scranton, PA	Ron talks about hands-free cellular use while driving a vehicle
October 31
Finger Painting Exhibition	Amityville, NY	"Amityville Horror Picture Show" - Article
November
November 1
Basketball Hall of Fame	Springfield, MA	Ron speaks on steroid and drug abuse
November 5
Children at Ballet Lessons	Taos, NM	"The Little Voters" - Article
November 7 -  Election Day
Ron vs Brad Debates	Denver, CO	"Debate: Ron vs. Brad" - Article
November 7 - Election Day
Democratic Rally	San Jose, CA	"Revenge" - Article

Posted by Webmaster at 08:41 PM

Ron Loses!

Ron held out until the bitter end thinking the media was just covering up all the states that he should have won.

"Not even New Jersey voted for me," Ron proclaimed as he smashed an empty Heinekin bottle on the floor, "and I place the blame squarely on the f---ing media!"

"Surely, Ron would have made a great impression on the American public if only they knew he existed," Ronatarian Vice President candidate Brad stated, "we're firing Steve Bittle as our publicist. He did absolutely nothing for our campaign." Bittle was unavailable for comment.

After Ron's loss, he was enraged enough to accept a steel cage match from Mike Tyson at a shady topless bar in Manhattan. Ron seemed quite battered from the match, including a missing bite-like mark taken out of his mustache. See Ron vs. Tyson for details.

So what does the future hold for the Ronatarian Party? According to Brad, the campaigning will not end here. "This time we'll have more time to plan and do things right. We only had 7 months while those bastards Bush and Gore had all the time they wanted.

"As the Ronatarian Party continues to grow, we're going to get recognized and we will win this next time around. You can put that in your crack pipe and smoke it!"

Posted by Ron at 03:46 AM | TrackBack

November 07, 2000

Revenge

San Jose, California: November 7, 2000

Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron and two of his aides were arrested after disrupting a Democratic rally on Monday night.

Ron, campaign manager Ed Perrin, and "Ron Roadie" Mike Logothetis were cited for trespassing and resisting arrest Monday night, police Lt. Humphry Casanegro said.

Democratic Senate incumbent Dianne Feinstein was giving a pro-Gore speech when the trio began yelling at her, police said.

"I never saw nothing like it," said officer Seymore Butz. "The three of them started hooting and screaming obscenities. They also released a box full of moths...like the ones at the Olympics. Boy. those critters went nuts in the lights and caused a hell of a scene. We had to apprehend those wackos...the people, not the moths."

The three trouble-makers were released less than an hour later.

Ron said he and other Ronatarians are frustrated by the lack of media access they have had throughout the campaign.

"I think it's a sorry state for a democracy that third party candidates are so shut out and so frustrated by a lack of democracy that we have to do this kind of thing," Ron said. "I hope we brought some recognition and respect to our party and its goals."

Recognition yes. Respect no. The official police blotter described the three perpetrators as "uppity" and "smelly". Logothetis was "particularly stinky" and related his unsanitary condition to living in the Ron Tour Bus for the past 42 days campaigning all out for his candidate.

Perrin was clearly shaken by the trauma of running a full-out presidential campaign under his guidance. He kept asking for tweezers and mothballs while in his cell and screaming "Bonadio!" at random intervals.

Ron, for the most part, remained in control while incarcerated. His famous short fuse was lit by the local police department a couple of times, though. "He's got a heck of a mouth," commented Butz. "You'd never think he wasn't in politics."

Ron was excluded from last month's series of televised debates between Democrat Al Gore and Republican George W. Bush, though he actually boycotted the one debate in Charlotte, North Carolina. He has never quite recovered mentally or in the polls.

"I don't think because you put your name on the ballot you're given the automatic right to go and disrupt other peoples' campaign events," said Feinstein's campaign manager, Kam Kuwata.

"Oh, she said that, huh?" replied Ron when told of Feinstein's reaction. "I hope she takes a flying leap off the Golden Gate Bridge tomorrow when I win the office of President."

Posted by Webmaster at 11:27 PM | TrackBack

Debate: Ron vs. Brad

Denver, CO: November 7, 2000

Ron and Brad squared off today in the first debate between President and Vice President candidates - ever. To rile things up, the media didn't even show up for the event, perhaps due to Ron and Brad's vehement abhorration towards the media due to lack of coverage in their campaign.

The candidates were asked to answer each question in turn. The mediator was the young, vivacious Terry Hartzell.

Terry:
First question: tastes great, or less filling?

Ron:
Why the hell aren't there any camera men? What a bunch of suck bags! Are you telling me that nobody's even going to hear this debate? The election's going to be over before anybody even hears about it!

Brad:
I'd say tastes great, Terry.

Terry:
Ron, would you like to retort?

Ron:
Jesus Christ! What the hell are we wasting our time here for? The people are expecting me to fight Tyson tonight? I didn't even agree to it, it was set up by my dentist. If we miss our victory party tonight, I'm going to be pissed!

Terry:
And Brad, your retort?

Brad:
I'm sticking to "tastes great", Terry.

The debate was cut short when Ron left to catch his flight back to the east coast eager to celebrate his victory.

Certainly, the debate was a landmark in history, taking campaigning to a whole new level. "This will certainly set the standard for elections in years to come," Brad said after the debate was over.

Vote on who won this debate in the Voting Forum.

Posted by Webmaster at 08:22 PM | TrackBack

November 05, 2000

The Little Voters

Taos, NM: November 5, 2000

Ron visited a group of 13 year old ballet students in Taos last Sunday to promote his views on under aged voters.

"We're not going to stand for this sh-- anymore! The younger voters are getting discriminated against. Hell, a great percentage of my followers are only 13 and they can't even vote for me."

Ron promised the children that if he was elected, penny candy would once again only cost a penny, bedtime and showering would be optional. Of all the children polled, all except for one said that they would vote for Ron.

"See? These people are America's future. What possible reason are they denied their inalienable rights to cast a vote? And then there's these overlords called 'parents' who are practically under mind control by the Democrats and Republicans.

"Who the hell do they think they are? They tell you what to do, make you do and eat things against your will, and completely dominate your lives."

Ron finished off his speech by educating the children on the evils of Barney with his big purple head and blatant phallic references.

Ron is currently trying to pass legislation to allow children of all ages to vote in the upcoming 2000 election.

Posted by Webmaster at 08:10 PM | TrackBack

November 02, 2000

Bradpotence

November 2, 2000

A man who says his picture was used in an advertisement for impotence has sued a hospital and a newspaper claiming his image was used without his consent.

Ronatarian vice presidential candidate Brad accuses the Northridge, California-based Potency Recovery Center and the Los Angeles Times of "oppression, fraud or malice". He is seeking $750 for every unauthorized publication of his picture, according to the lawsuit filed in Los Angeles Superior Court on Monday. The Los Angeles Times has a daily circulation of 1,111,785.

Brad claims that his photograph was featured prominently in the ad for the Center which was published in the Los Angeles Times. The ad offered services including therapy, penile injection and treatment for premature ejaculation.

Brad said the Center had also published a brochure using his photograph without permission.

"I wouldn't mind so much," said Brad, "but it's an election year."

Brad admitted to photo modeling, but thought the stills would be used "to sell shampoo or dog food". He denied any knowledge of the advertising agency's plan to use the photos for the Potency Research Center.

"It's a betrayal of trust," he added.

The Los Angeles Times said it had a policy of not commenting on pending litigation. Catholic Healthcare West, which runs the hospital where the potency center is based, said it had not yet seen the lawsuit and declined to comment.

Brad is on the Ronatarian Party ticket with Party founder Ron.

Posted by Ron at 11:29 PM | TrackBack

Ronsketball

November 2, 2000 As a rabble-rousing, damn-the-corporations candidate for president, Ron knows how to throw heat. Unfortunately for Ron, he left his best stuff on the campaign trail when he stepped on the mound at New York's Shea Stadium in July and pitched batting practice to the Mets for five minutes. One of Ron's tosses nailed Mets' utility man Joe McEwing in the hip. McEwing responded by hitting one of Ron's pitches back up the middle, nearly punishing Ron, who failed to hide behind the screen. "That all you got, 'Joe Schmo'?" Ron asked, laughing.   "You gonna take back that comment about a tax-rate hike?" Then, McEwing rushed the mound and a fracas ensued. Luckily, Brad was present and he and Mets player Benny Agbayani were able to separate the two. The incident showed how competitive Ron can be both on the sports field and in the political arena. Actually, two out of the four major party candidates for President have histories in athletic endeavors. Fortunately, the two on the losing end are Vice President Al Gore and Green Party hopeful Ralph Nader...not Ron. If Gore succeeds in reinventing himself as a Regular Guy, it won't be through sports. His time in the pits at the Indy 500 was a rare instance of trying to relate to voters through one of the nation's favorite motor sport events. Unlike Republican candidate George W. Bush, Gore has tied his image to sports in only the most superficial ways. When he has used sports references as a tool, they have often come off as forced. To wit: After holding off Bill Bradley in a tough Democratic primary in New Hampshire in February, the vice president -- fighting the perception of being a beltway insider rather than true Tennessee folk -- compared the Titans' defeat in the NFL title game to early exit poll results.  "During the day, some people thought this might be like the Super Bowl and we were a yard short," he said at the time. "Well, this Tennessean is in the end zone, and it feels great!" Ironically, Gore might have been a better athlete than Bush and Ron. Like Bush, who played briefly on the Yale University freshman baseball team, Gore's career as an athlete ended after his first year in college. He made the freshman basketball team at Harvard, but he sat at the end of the bench and got into games only when they became blowouts. Nader once tried out for the fencing team at Princeton, but was cut after three practices due to his "aversion to pointy things", said former Tigers' fencing coach Dick Hertz. Bush, by contrast, was best known in his New England prep school as head cheerleader. "George used to get into that pleated skirt and wave those pom-poms like nobody else," said former friend Bryce "Tripp" Weatherspoon III. "He just loved being the center of attention. He was above the game on the field sometimes." Ron made his mark on the athletic world first at Lafayette College and then at rival Lehigh University. The famed rivalry between the two schools got the best of Ron for six years. While doing his undergraduate work at Lafayette, Ron was ceremoniously beaten before each Lafayette-Lehigh game by Lehigh students bent on victory. When Ron went on to graduate school at Lehigh, he was ritualistically mauled by Lafayette co-eds for 2 years before the big game. Both sides claimed it would bring their squad good luck.  "I wouldn't trade it for the world," he once said in fond memory. While Ron often dabbles with street racing his Camaro for pink slips, he now just uses sport as a stress relief and to stay in shape. His favorite activities are bear baiting and curling. Oddly, Nader is deep into the curling culture as well, but only as a spectator.  "I just love the thrill of the competition," Nader once said. "Just being in the presence of such great athletes puts me in awe." To his credit, Gore isn't tone-deaf to the politics of sports. In September, when Oprah Winfrey asked for his favorite childhood memory, Gore said, "Playing baseball with my dad," an answer that melted the talk-show host's largely female audience. He had effectively stolen the punch line from Bush, who when asked the same question by Oprah later in the month said his favorite memory was playing Little League ball in Midland, Texas.  When Ron was asked the same question by Star Jones, he retorted, "Hey, you aren't Oprah Winfrey! You are f--king huge! Where's Oprah, God damnit!?!" Nader has declined comment on his sports past. "It has no relevance here," he said to MTV's Kurt Loder. Gore was the object of a punch line during the Tennessee Titans' preseason game with the St. Louis Rams on Monday Night Football when Dennis Miller cracked, "You know Al Gore is watching because not only is the game in his hometown but the Rams are the only team in football that shifts positions as frequently as he does." Ah, that staple shared by politics and sports, the cheap shot.

Posted by Webmaster at 10:24 PM | TrackBack

The Real Ron

Solving, once and for all, who the real Ron is...
Here at Ron for President Headquarters, we have never mentioned Ron's last name. Ron never wanted to dwell on unimportant issues like last names. "Accept me as Ron, it's who I am. F--- the last name, who needs it?"

Nevertheless, we have been swamped with emails from other Rons who seem to think that this page is all about them. That's a bit egotistical, isn't it? Never mind all the events that have transpired throughout this vast Ronatarian campaign - wouldn't these Rons realize that they weren't there for any of them? Hello!

This just might be another conspiracy to get Ron out of the election just as he's about to exponentially rise in the polls. A cheap tactic from Bush, Gore, or perhaps Lyndon LaRouche.

Here are some of the confused and offended individuals who think for some reason or another that they are running for president in the Ronatarian Party:

Ron Dundy

This Ron was asking us that we got his complexion wrong in the "Spinning Ron" graphic. He was very disappointed when we told him that he wasn't the Ron featured on our website.

Ron Hungberto

This full bodied Ron was opposed to the platform issues he thought we were writing for him without his consent. He was pushing for gay rights in the superconductor industry as well as extending Halloween to three days instead of one.

Ron Walsh

The angriest of all the false Rons. This Ron told us that we were disturbing and offending him by putting words in his mouth for the whole world to see tainting his good name. He demanded that we shut down the site immediately. Not bloody likely.

Ron Baggins

This guy was really PO'd about the mustache he claimed he never wore. "I hate mustaches, and I have never met anybody named 'Brad' in my life!" He told us we were ruining his life.

Ron Jefferis

This Ron complained that his campaign didn't focus enough on "bingers" and "legalizing it". We told him to go try Nader's party.

Ron Rambo

This Ron was the politest of all the false Rons. He reacted kindly when we informed him that he was not "the Ron". He served 3 tours in Nam and catches/collects butterflies in his spare time.

Posted by Ron at 03:40 AM | TrackBack

November 01, 2000

The Great Pumpkin Sham

Wisconsin Rapids, Wisconsin, November 1, 2000:

Texas Governor George W. Bush can claim at least one election victory this fall -- the great presidential pumpkin poll.

Likenesses of Republican Bush, Democrat Al Gore, Green Party candidate Ralph Nader, and Ronatarian Party hopeful Ron were carved into 500-pound pumpkins at Altenburg's Country Gardens near Wisconsin Rapids on October 7, and people who came to pick a pumpkin from the farm were asked to vote for their favorite candidate.

Owner Harold Altenburg accepted votes until 4 p.m. on Halloween.

The final tally: Bush - 704, Gore - 666, Nader - 313, and Ron - 2 he said.

Altenburg said he had fun, but was discouraged by what some people had to say about choosing between Gore and Bush.

"More people than I like to see said, 'What difference does it make?'", he noted. "Even one of the candidates commented on it."

Ronatarian Party candidate and namesake Ron declared the pumpkin vote "fixed" and "a sham". "How do I only come out with two lousy votes!?!" he said in a written statement. "The good people of Wisconsin Rapids believe in me and what I have to say...At least more than two do. They must!"

The 4-foot tall pumpkins were carved as part of a pumpkin festival and displayed on an antique manure spreader at Altenburg's farm.

Altenburg also mentioned that the Ron and Nader pumpkins had been unceremonially smashed on Mischief Night (October 30).

"I don't know what them kids was up to, but I don't like it," he said.

No link has been established between the success of the pumpkin poll and the national election results. The poll has been run since 1984. The pumpkin smashing was also touted as a non-issue.

"That's a relief," said Nader spokesman Hugh Jass.

"Whew!" one of the two local Ron supporters gasped. "I thought Bush plum won the real thing. We love Ron and his purty mustache."

Posted by Webmaster at 10:28 PM | TrackBack