Ron vs. Tyson

November 8, 2000 When Ron found out that he wasn't going to win any of the state elections, he went on a rampage of binge drinking and cappuccino abuse. He met up with his dentist who had subsequently set up a match against Tyson at Billy's topless bar in Manhattan. Ron had the full intention of facing Tyson in a steel cage match, which his agent Don King had agreed to previously with Ron's dentist who instigated the entire event. No steel cage was available. Ron was pissed. He charged into the fray with the liquid courage of a man who had nothing left to lose. The incident occurred midway through the first round. The referee warned Tyson and the fight was delayed for several minutes. But soon after resumption of the fight, Tyson again bit Ron, this time on his mustache. After the second bite, Ron's rash started acting up. Thirty seven seconds in to the match, Ron passed out. Perhaps it was the booze, perhaps it was Tyson's ruthless assault. Ron's dentist was sure that Ron won the match by disqualification. Tyson told reporters after the fight that he was enraged by what he claimed were a series of verbal assaults about his mother. "He has a horrible rash and he didn't want to fight," Tyson told the AP after the fight. "Regardless of what I did, he had been talkin' smack throughout the whole match. I addressed it in the ring ... What else could I do?" The Undercard for the fights this evening as related by Ron's Dentist: #1: Andrew Dice Clay vs. Hillary Clinton Hillary won early in the first round with a quick call to her Secret Service agents. Unfortunately I hadn't had the chance to tell Hillary about the fight, so when the Diceman jumped her from the bushes he was quickly taken down and thrown into a black car. #2: Rev. Al Sharpton vs. Barbara Bush The Rev. was merciless throughout the first 12 rounds, but Barbara was able to eek out a lopsided decision on a technicality. It seems the Rev. is not licensed to fight in this state and he owes money on some parking tickets. It looks like the Bush camp called in a few favors. #3: Dan Quayle vs. Brad's mom This is the fight that everyone said should never have happened. Dan came out strong from the beginning. Brad's mom got her dress stuck in the steel cage and Dan took advantage of her in all sorts of ways....I can't even describe it... Anyway, Dan came away with a KO in the 5th. #4: Brad vs. wet paper bag I'm sorry to break this news to all the Brad supporters, but I must tell you that your hero, the man BEHIND The Man, was put into a submission hold by the paper bag and threw in the towel. Brad quit. He gave up. The paper bag, who thought Brad was using a foreign object (the towel), knocked Brad to the mat repeatedly, after the bell rang out. The bag threw Brad out of the ring onto the concrete floor and administered a series of devastating pile-drivers. It took several young elementary schoolchildren to get the paper bag off of Brad. The crowd, who had mostly ignored the fight and were instead watching the topless dancers at the other end of the bar, cheered as Brad was carried weeping from the arena by the schoolchildren. We are not certain why the crowd cheered, and are looking into the matter. None of the patrons of the establishment seemed to remember even being in the establishment this morning, so we may never know... And now you know, the rest of the story...

Posted by Webmaster at November 8, 2000 11:23 PM

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