Semper Ubi Sub Ubi

Andover, Massachusetts, September 28, 2000:

All classes were cancelled for Ron's big speech at Phillips Academy, the high school of both former President George Bush Senior (class of 1942) and opponent George W. Bush (class of 1964). The campus was sectioned off with barbed wire, FBI agents, metal detectors, and snipers on the rooftops as Ron spoke before an audience of students, townsfolk, and aspiring wedding singers.

Ron charmed the crowd with his infamous lip-sync of Milli Vanilli's Blame It On The Rain sung entirely in Latin before he moved on to topics like global warming and saving the Silver Spring Monkeys. It wasn't long before he made his assault on the Bush family.

"If George W. Bush has his way, every tree will become a public urinal. Those trees will die. Fires will burn. Birds will die. The stench of death will bring plagues, riots, and more death in a decline towards utter oblivion and hell." Ron was of course referring to the tree that George Senior planted with a gold shovel during his speech at the same campus in 1990. "Everybody here knows that it was George W. that urinated on and killed that tree."

A few seconds later, a young lass charged the stage and kissed Ron fully on the lips. She was still yelling "Ron Rules!" as the police dragged her off the scene. Ron, being fully used to these types of outbursts, briefly walked off the stage and kissed a granny in the front row. "I bring you love!" Ron proclaimed as he strutted off behind the stage to gather some more liquid courage.

The crowd went wild. A steady roar filled the field in front of Sam Phillips Hall as the crowd urged Ron to come back for an encore. "More Ron! More Ron!" echoed off every building. A full three minutes later the loudspeakers started blasting Slade's rendition of Ron Ron Away as a bare chested Ron charged onto the platform with a titanium shovel.

He planted a 15 foot tall stainless steel tree there in the center of the field. "Piss on this George," Ron screamed into the microphone, "and you're pissing on America!" Sweating profusely, Ron stumbled off into his getaway Camaro, told the crowd "don't drink and derive", and drove off the scene.

It was rumored that Ron was drinking with some of the students in the dorms around campus after curfew. Ron denies these allegations and stated that he "had a dentist appointment and couldn't possibly have been at those parties" Shown below are a few photos from students claiming to have partied with Ron:

Posted by Webmaster at September 28, 2000 07:19 PM