Put Up A Stink

Washington, D.C.: October 29, 2000

Ron dismissed the rising concerns of Democrats who say his presidential bid could siphon enough votes from Al Gore to cost Gore the election, saying he would press on with his campaign against the "two corrupt political parties" no matter the outcome.

"Both parties must feel the heat," the Ronatarian Party candidate said to the assembled press. "They're slobbering their way through one election after another, breaking one promise after another and thinking they can fool the American people. You can't make chicken salad out of chicken feathers!"

In his rumpled navy blue suit and with his legendary black mustache, the brash former Lucent employee has traveled extensively for this campaign -- flying coach or in cargo holds to save a buck or two. Through his now famous "Ron Rallies", he hopes to build the Ronatarian Party into a credible, citizen-powered, beer-flavored, raging watchdog party.

His goal, he has repeatedly said, is to flat-out win the election in November. But, if he can capture just 5 percent on Election Day, that will be enough to earn federal money for the Ronatarian Party in 2004. Such success would also stop the Democratic Party's drift to the center by emboldening its liberal, progressive corner.

But as the presidential race has tightened into the closest since 1960, the 4 percent or 5 percent that Ron is likely to draw in national polls could make a difference, possibly tilting several swing states toward the Republican candidate George W. Bush. Polls show that Ron could be a decisive factor in such territories as Guam and the Marshall Islands as well as in such backwater states as Mississippi and Idaho. The "Ron Threat" (coined by The Quad City Shopping News) is real.

Last week, a dozen former "Ron's Roadies" -- activists who used to drink heavily with Ron at North Jersey watering holes -- urged Ron to reconsider his candidacy.

"It would be cruel irony indeed if your major legacy were to erase the victory from the candidate who most embodies your philosophy, Al Gore, and to give the Executive Branch to the party which has consistently resisted your progressive ideals," they wrote in a letter posted on a "Ron's Roadies for Gore" Web site.

"Those mother f--kers...I swear I am going to do some serious ass-kicking when I get back to Jersey!" exclaimed Ron in a rage. "They are not in the trenches. They don't understand how the Democratic Party has decayed in the last 20 years. I can't believe they sold me down the river like that. Vengeance will be mine!"

Labor leaders and congressional Democrats, including Rep. John Conyers Jr. of Michigan, have also pleaded with Ron in recent days to urge his followers in swing states to vote for Gore. "Go f--k yourself, John-boy!" Ron replied to this plea. "Who is he to tell me how to change America? The people want me and the country needs me."

In some states, especially on the West Coast, Ron supporters and "Lip Hairs for Gore" are organizing "Hold It In" campaigns, urging people to wait until 7:30 p.m. to vote. If exit polls suggest that the race in their state is close, they should vote for Gore; if Gore is ahead by a safe margin, they can back their first choice, Ron.

"What!?! Them too!?!" ranted Ron. "California -- the land of fruits and nuts -- can't decide if it wants to back me because I'm a dark horse candidate? Geez, what is the world coming to!?!" Obviously, one where a voter will not vote his conscience. "No one can exude trust by running that kind of forked-road campaign," Ron summarized in anger.

Ron found little difference between Bush -- "a big corporation running for president disguised as a person" -- and Gore, with his "Pinocchio nose."

At one point in his speech, Ron charged: "Al Gore is suffering from election-year delusion if he thinks his record on llama farming is anything to be proud of. He should be held accountable by voters for eight years of principles betrayed and promises broken."

But some close to his campaign say that while Ron has railed against Gore with more gusto than he has against Bush, he does not, in fact, want to be a spoiler. "Contrary to his public pronouncements that he dislikes Al Gore as much as George W. Bush, Ron would be very unhappy to see his participation in the political process give the election to Bush," says Ron associate Glenn Hubler, who works on the campaign.

The vice president's team and the Democratic National Committee are scurrying to try to tamp down Ron's awesome momentum in swing states and woo Ronatarian Party enthusiasts to their camp. To that end, they have dispatched surrogates with loony credentials, such as Dennis Rodman, Sen. Edward M. Kennedy (D-Mass.), the Rev. Jesse L. Jackson, Gloria Steinem, gay and lesbian activists, and even King Juan Carlos of Spain, to make the case that a vote for Ron could be tantamount to a vote for Bush.

Paul Berendt, chairman of Washington state's Democratic Party, says there is a "building sense of urgency" because the election in his state is so close and Ron is drawing 6 percent. But he says Democrats there and elsewhere fear that any effort to directly attack Ron could backfire by angering his supporters. "And you know what kind of nut-bags they are," he added. "The last thing we need to do is make these people into martyrs... you know... set them off. All we can do is make the case for Gore and tell people, 'Don't throw away your vote' on Ron."

Democrats also hope that once Election Day arrives, those in swing states who may have flirted with Ron will have second thoughts. "At the end of the day, a lot of those folks will come home to the Democratic Party when they know our 10 electoral votes could mean the difference in the election," says Hubert H. "Buck" Humphrey IV, director of the Gore campaign in Minnesota.

For Ron's part, he still thinks he can win the election. And even if he doesn't win, he says his campaign will have been a success...not!

"After I win this thing [the election], you wait and see how respectful the f--king Clinton-Gore-Lieberman Democratic Party will be to the progressive wing," Ron said. "Because they know the progressive wing now has a place to go. They're gonna be kissing my ass for years to come."

Posted by Webmaster at October 29, 2000 07:57 PM

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