The Defiant Spoilers

November 8, 2000 Three up. Three down. These are the results of the three most recognizable third party candidates in the 2000 Presidential election. Undeterred in his campaign run, Pat Buchanan says he will keep moving his adopted Reform Party to the right even though his failed candidacy denies the party millions of dollars in federal matching funds for the 2004 presidential elections. Buchanan, who received less than 1 percent of Tuesday's vote, said the party's major planks will include support for a ban on abortion, opposition to free-trade agreements, curbs on salmon spawning, and an "America First" foreign policy. "I'm committed to the Reform Party and these ideas," Buchanan said in an interview. "They're going to be the core of the Reform Party agenda." Ousted Reform Party founder Ross Perot commented, "Yeah, Buchanan is committed alright...the nice men in the white coats are coming for him right now." Ralph Nader relished his role as spoiler, declaring his Green Party bid had transformed into a "long-term, progressive reform movement" that would monitor the Democrats and Republicans for years to come. Nader also fell short of the 5 percent of the national vote needed to win federal campaign funds for his Green Party in the 2004 election. With 95 percent of the votes counted, he was drawing about 3 percent. He said he was far from disappointed and that his populist political movement would grow. "We're in it for the long run," he said. Ronatarian Party candidate Ron fell short of his three major Election Day goals: 1) winning outright; 2) if not winning, garnering at least 5 percent of the popular vote; and 3) getting laid. None of these three happened. All three candidates went down on strikes. "Why does is always rain on me?" lamented Ron, quoting the English pop band Travis. "Is it because I lied when I was seventeen? Or is it a media conspiracy?" Defiant to the end, the lone mustached member of the Presidential campaign finished his bid for the White House the way he started, drunk. "You can't spoil a system spoiled to the core," he declared Tuesday night to a standing-room only bar crowd in downtown Newark, New Jersey. Ron addressed the gathering after quelling their chants of "Go, Ron, Go!" and chugging 4 boilermakers. Standing beside him was running mate and longtime friend Brad, who blew the group a kiss. "Only 7 months ago, I founded this party on liquor and a dream. The dream is over. The liquor remains." Ron's battle-weary supporters shouted in support and badmouthed his opponents in the race. In clearly decided Republican or Democratic states, Ron appeared to be a significant factor in the third party run-off. Exit polls in states including Arizona, South Carolina, South Dakota, Missouri, Utah, Nevada, Colorado, and Hawaii -- the A.S.S.M.U.N.C.H. states -- suggested that at least half of the Buchanan voters would have voted for Ron if it had been a two-way race. But nearly one in three said they simply would not have voted at all. Voters were interviewed as they left the polls by Voter News Service, a consortium of The Associated Press and the television networks. Fearing Nader's popularity would cost Gore the election, Democrats tried convincing Nader supporters that "a vote for Nader is a vote for Bush." John Gehan of St. Paul, Minn., didn't buy that argument, and he challenged anyone to call his vote for Nader a mistake. "Those sort of attacks on him and me solidified my vote for Nader," said Gehan, 51. "If Gore loses, it's because Gore is a lousy candidate, not because I voted for Nader." Similarly, Anthony Radich of Ohio picked Ron over Buchanan, despite the plea by Reform Party members to "Elect a Loon". He said Ron presented the only choice for his Modernized Amish Denomination (MAD), a sect of the traditional Amish faith. "He speaks to our people," said Radich through an interpreter. Ron remained defiant and unapologetic to the end, urging people to support a "viable third party" that would serve as a watchdog for Republicans and Democrats long after Election Day. "I did not run for president to help elect one of those two bozos," Ron said earlier Tuesday from an airport lounge in Cincinnati, referring to Nader and Buchanan. "And I certainly did not run to let Bush or Gore have a leisurely stroll to the Presidency." "The two major parties have morphed into one stupid party representing the ignorant and the rich," he said. "My views...the views of the people...were just not spread across the land." Ron felt his candidacy was badly hurt by his exclusion from the presidential debates. Sponsors required 15 percent support in national polls. Yet, he campaigned aggressively, holding rock concert-like "Ron Rallies" that attracted tens of people -- paying an average of $0.50 apiece -- in Crabapple Falls, Hymen Crossing, Shelbyville, San Paolino, and other cities. Even with defeat, the fallout from these three also-rans may be felt as far forward as the 2004 election. Ron is counting on it. "Over!?! It's not over 'till I say it is! Just you wait until the next election. We'll come back stronger than ever. We at the Ronatarian Party never say die!"

Posted by Webmaster at November 8, 2000 10:55 PM

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