October 31, 2000

The Original Cover For Esquire Magazine

Esquire Magazine
-submitted by M. Tracey

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Amityville Horror Picture Show

Ron Wins Amityville, NY: October 31, 2000

George W. Bush and comedian Jay Leno both poked fun Monday at the Ronatarian Party candidate. And the Republican presidential candidate even donned a Brad Pope Halloween mask for added laughs.

NBC's "The Tonight Show'' opened with a sequence in which the show's host was about to light a candle in a big Halloween jack-o-lantern.

"You can't do that yet,'' Bush said. He then produced a black marker and painted a large, grotesque mustache above the pumpkin's carved mouth. "Now you can burn it in eulogy."

"I think the word you want, governor, is effigy,'' Leno corrected, joking at Bush's tendency to fracture syntax and mispronounce words.

Bush stubbornly stuck with his perceived mispronunciation and said, "No, I said eulogy and I meant eulogy. A eulogy comes with a funeral. Ron's campaign is dead."

"He said what!?!" Ron exclaimed at a finger painting exhibition in upstate New York. "My campaign is alive and well, thank you."

Bush also brought along a prop in the tradition of Leno's feature in which he reads funny newspaper headlines and wedding announcements.

"I got a little headline of my own here,'' Bush said, displaying a pretend copy of next week's November 8 edition of the Los Angeles Times. The banner headline read: "RON WINS".

Both Bush and Leno rolled in hysterics and prompted the crowd to hoot and yell demeaning (uncensored) slogans about Ron.

"That bottom-feeding rat bastard will not get away with this one!" yelled Ron to a now startled group of school children whose artwork was being displayed. "And where does Leno get off doing this? You could land a small aircraft on his chin."

At one point during the taping, Leno, noting that Halloween is Tuesday, reached beneath his desk and put on a Joe Lieberman mask.

"That's scary, but this is more scary,'' Bush said, donning a Brad mask.

Again, both men laughed heartily and took pot shots at Ron and Brad.

Leno asked what Bush's mother, former first lady Barbara Bush, would say was the most embarrassing incident that occurred while he was growing up.

Bush deflected the question and instead belittled Ron's Camaro. "What a hunk of junk! I drive a Porsche. He drives an out-dated muscle car... probably with fuzzy dice on the mirror," he quipped. "And that Brad...what an ass."

"That is classless," answered Ron to this quotation. "Everybody knows that my tour van was sabotaged not more than two weeks ago. (See "Oh the Humanity") To make light of an assassination attempt is uncalled for. Also, making jokes at Brad's expense is pushing the limits of what I can tolerate. Bush is pond scum."

Bush appeared on the show during a two-day West Coast campaign swing. It was the latest in a series of appearances both candidates have made on nationally televised entertainment programs.

Vice President Al Gore is set to appear on the same program Tuesday night.

"Let's hope that the Vice President can hold himself in check," concluded Ron to the dissipating crowd of youngsters and media members. "Otherwise, I cannot be held responsible for my actions."

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The Omen

Washington, D.C.: October 31, 2000 27-21 -- Score of Monday night's NFL game between the Washington Redskins and Tennessee Titans, won by Tennessee. Ever since the Redskins moved to Washington in 1937, their last home game before the November election has forecast the outcome at the polls. If the Redskins win, the incumbent party retains the Oval Office. If they lose, an opposing party moves in. "Ha-ha!" Ron cheered late Monday night. "I knew it! The tides are turning in our favor." Indeed, the Ronatarian movement is finishing strong and this concrete indicator might just fuel its momentum in the polls. Asked if the Republicans, traditionally one of the two majority parties, should take this as better news for them instead of the Ronatarian Party, Ron scoffed at the notion. "No f--king way, man! I don't concede s--t to Bush and his Republican cronies. This is my victory...America's victory."

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The Ron Pumpkin

Ron pumpkin

Spewing out the drivel the Democrats and Republicans give out

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October 30, 2000

Batbrad and Ronbin

Batbrad and Ronbin

Brad and Ron show off their Halloween costumes

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Jesse The Body Ventura Speaks on Indecision

October 30, 2000 Count Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura among the nation's undecided voters. With no plans to endorse a presidential candidate, and only a week left before Election Day, the Independence Party governor said he's having trouble finding someone to vote for. It won't be Republican George W. Bush or Democrat Al Gore, Ventura said Tuesday. "I would never vote for a Republican or a Democrat," he said on NBC's "Today." "I'm committed to the third-party movement. I'm committed that we need more choices than just the two we're offered.'' Even Ralph Nader, who shares Ventura's pedigree as a political outsider, is unlikely to get the governor's open declaration of support, though the two will share the stage for a town hall meeting Tuesday night in Minnesota, a state still up for grabs. "He just is sticking with his decision not to endorse," said Ventura spokesman John Wodele. Ventura said he was having trouble deciding his own vote between the third-party candidates because "I'm a centrist, and there's nobody out there who's a centrist." Considering Nader too far left and Reform Party candidate Pat Buchanan too far right, Ventura said he would take a look at Ronatarian Party candidate Ron to see where he fits in. Ventura has talked personally with Bush, and Gore even spent the night at the governor's residence, but he is unlikely to give either one much more time before the November 7 election. Ventura skipped Gore's Minneapolis visit Saturday to coach a high school football team in the state playoffs. He has no plans to appear with Bush during his one-day trip to the state Wednesday. "I think his overall effect on the election is going to be pretty limited," said Steven Schier, a political science professor at Carleton College in Northfield, Minnesota. Schier, however, thought Ventura's decision to appear at a Ron Rally (in Washington, D.C.) two weeks before the election was "quite significant," if only to Minnesotans. In the closest contest in decades, Gore and Bush are battling for voters in about 15 toss-up states, including Minnesota. A recent poll showed Ron cracking double digits in Minnesota, with Gore and Bush in a dead heat. Ronatarian Party members hope Ventura's appearance with a Ron hand puppet at the National String and Yarn Museum will give their candidate a boost in Minnesota and beyond. Ron, himself, is counting on it. "Jesse supports public financing of campaigns, boxers instead of briefs, and allowing third-party candidates to participate in presidential debates," Ron said Monday night to a drive-in cashier at a Wendy's in Scranton, Pennsylvania. "He's a lot like me." Ventura could help muffle the warning from some liberals that a vote for Ron is a vote for Bush, said Ron spokeswoman Amanda Huggenkis. "After what George W. said about Ron on Leno, I don't think anyone with a sound mind would do anything to support Bush." ("Amityville Horror Picture Show"). Ron dismissed efforts Monday by supporters in swing states who are trying to "swap" their votes for the vice president with those in states where either Bush or Gore are expected to win easily. "Stay out of commercializing this kind of vote," Ron warned. "Vote your conscience. Vote your dreams. Vote your interests. Don't vote your fears. Vote Ron." Ventura has a similar message: "If everybody votes their heart and conscience, there could be a surprise as to who wins now and then," he said. "It happened in Minnesota."

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Rebecca Romijn-Stamos

Rebecca Romijn-Stamos

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Stone Cold Steve Austin

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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The Elvises

The Elvises

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The Hansons

The Hansons

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Quincy M.E.

Quincy M.E.

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October 29, 2000

Put Up A Stink

Washington Monument ron and Brad Capital
Washington, D.C.: October 29, 2000

Ron dismissed the rising concerns of Democrats who say his presidential bid could siphon enough votes from Al Gore to cost Gore the election, saying he would press on with his campaign against the "two corrupt political parties" no matter the outcome.

"Both parties must feel the heat," the Ronatarian Party candidate said to the assembled press. "They're slobbering their way through one election after another, breaking one promise after another and thinking they can fool the American people. You can't make chicken salad out of chicken feathers!"

In his rumpled navy blue suit and with his legendary black mustache, the brash former Lucent employee has traveled extensively for this campaign -- flying coach or in cargo holds to save a buck or two. Through his now famous "Ron Rallies", he hopes to build the Ronatarian Party into a credible, citizen-powered, beer-flavored, raging watchdog party.

His goal, he has repeatedly said, is to flat-out win the election in November. But, if he can capture just 5 percent on Election Day, that will be enough to earn federal money for the Ronatarian Party in 2004. Such success would also stop the Democratic Party's drift to the center by emboldening its liberal, progressive corner.

But as the presidential race has tightened into the closest since 1960, the 4 percent or 5 percent that Ron is likely to draw in national polls could make a difference, possibly tilting several swing states toward the Republican candidate George W. Bush. Polls show that Ron could be a decisive factor in such territories as Guam and the Marshall Islands as well as in such backwater states as Mississippi and Idaho. The "Ron Threat" (coined by The Quad City Shopping News) is real.

Last week, a dozen former "Ron's Roadies" -- activists who used to drink heavily with Ron at North Jersey watering holes -- urged Ron to reconsider his candidacy.

"It would be cruel irony indeed if your major legacy were to erase the victory from the candidate who most embodies your philosophy, Al Gore, and to give the Executive Branch to the party which has consistently resisted your progressive ideals," they wrote in a letter posted on a "Ron's Roadies for Gore" Web site.

"Those mother f--kers...I swear I am going to do some serious ass-kicking when I get back to Jersey!" exclaimed Ron in a rage. "They are not in the trenches. They don't understand how the Democratic Party has decayed in the last 20 years. I can't believe they sold me down the river like that. Vengeance will be mine!"

Labor leaders and congressional Democrats, including Rep. John Conyers Jr. of Michigan, have also pleaded with Ron in recent days to urge his followers in swing states to vote for Gore. "Go f--k yourself, John-boy!" Ron replied to this plea. "Who is he to tell me how to change America? The people want me and the country needs me."

In some states, especially on the West Coast, Ron supporters and "Lip Hairs for Gore" are organizing "Hold It In" campaigns, urging people to wait until 7:30 p.m. to vote. If exit polls suggest that the race in their state is close, they should vote for Gore; if Gore is ahead by a safe margin, they can back their first choice, Ron.

"What!?! Them too!?!" ranted Ron. "California -- the land of fruits and nuts -- can't decide if it wants to back me because I'm a dark horse candidate? Geez, what is the world coming to!?!" Obviously, one where a voter will not vote his conscience. "No one can exude trust by running that kind of forked-road campaign," Ron summarized in anger.

Ron found little difference between Bush -- "a big corporation running for president disguised as a person" -- and Gore, with his "Pinocchio nose."

At one point in his speech, Ron charged: "Al Gore is suffering from election-year delusion if he thinks his record on llama farming is anything to be proud of. He should be held accountable by voters for eight years of principles betrayed and promises broken."

But some close to his campaign say that while Ron has railed against Gore with more gusto than he has against Bush, he does not, in fact, want to be a spoiler. "Contrary to his public pronouncements that he dislikes Al Gore as much as George W. Bush, Ron would be very unhappy to see his participation in the political process give the election to Bush," says Ron associate Glenn Hubler, who works on the campaign.

The vice president's team and the Democratic National Committee are scurrying to try to tamp down Ron's awesome momentum in swing states and woo Ronatarian Party enthusiasts to their camp. To that end, they have dispatched surrogates with loony credentials, such as Dennis Rodman, Sen. Edward M. Kennedy (D-Mass.), the Rev. Jesse L. Jackson, Gloria Steinem, gay and lesbian activists, and even King Juan Carlos of Spain, to make the case that a vote for Ron could be tantamount to a vote for Bush.

Paul Berendt, chairman of Washington state's Democratic Party, says there is a "building sense of urgency" because the election in his state is so close and Ron is drawing 6 percent. But he says Democrats there and elsewhere fear that any effort to directly attack Ron could backfire by angering his supporters. "And you know what kind of nut-bags they are," he added. "The last thing we need to do is make these people into martyrs... you know... set them off. All we can do is make the case for Gore and tell people, 'Don't throw away your vote' on Ron."

Democrats also hope that once Election Day arrives, those in swing states who may have flirted with Ron will have second thoughts. "At the end of the day, a lot of those folks will come home to the Democratic Party when they know our 10 electoral votes could mean the difference in the election," says Hubert H. "Buck" Humphrey IV, director of the Gore campaign in Minnesota.

For Ron's part, he still thinks he can win the election. And even if he doesn't win, he says his campaign will have been a success...not!

"After I win this thing [the election], you wait and see how respectful the f--king Clinton-Gore-Lieberman Democratic Party will be to the progressive wing," Ron said. "Because they know the progressive wing now has a place to go. They're gonna be kissing my ass for years to come."

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October 25, 2000

Believe in Ron

Ron is somebody you can believe in

Ron is somebody you can believe in

Sick of liars like Gore and Bush? Ron is somebody you can believe in.

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October 24, 2000

Fozzie Bear

Fozzie Bear

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October 23, 2000

The Phantom

The Phantom

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October 22, 2000

Henry Kissinger

Henry Kissinger Henry Kissinger

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October 21, 2000

Oh, the Humanity!

damaged bus Atlanta, Georgia: October 21, 2000

The photo above depicts the damage done to the Ron tour bus shortly after sunset last Saturday in Georgia. John Tim, the new bus driver, accounts the details of what happened:

"We were on our way to Six Flags Great Adventure where we were going to hand out candy to strange children. You see, Ron has this great idea to banish the backwards thinking which the government has forced into everybody's heads that it's wrong to accept candy from strangers. Hell, every kid in America has to live in fear of everybody they meet on the streets. It's just not right.

"So there we were, driving down the highway. Ron and Brad were in the back of the bus putting on their makeup. The others were doing whatever, you know, like getting the truckers to honk and flexing for the other cars going by. None of my ROTC experience prepared me for that old lady with the Gore bumper sticker who swerved into the lane right in front of me!

"Before I knew it, the bus was sideswiped off the road, flipped 7 or 8 times, and we're smack in the middle of one of those paint ball tournaments. The bus is on fire now, Brad's got lipstick smeared all over his face. Ron was thrown clear out an open window and there's this 'buckle up' street sign speared right through the seat Ron was sitting in. If he had been wearing his seatbelt, he'd have been killed for sure. I'm sure he's going to campaign to get rid of those crazy seatbelt laws now for sure.

fire "That's when I notice the gas has leaked down and set some other jeep on fire and there's some angry men coming out of the woods with large rifles. Hell, I didn't know they were paint guns. My shoulder's dislocated and I think blood had filled up my left ear and I hear Ron yelling out 'Democrats!'. That's when I blacked out.

"So we wake up and it's daylight. Everybody's alive but covered with paintball gook. The Ron bus is there all bashed up but the burnt jeep is gone. On the windshield of the bus is a note saying 'drop the campaign or else'. Ron's pissed as all hell. We hitchhike to the nearest police station and find that they're denying that anything happened. Those shitbags even kept the press from leaking the story."

Ron's dedicated to get back on the campaign trail and vows not to let this "personal assault by that bastard Gore" stop him from winning the elections in November. Local Ron supporters gathered together and donated a new vehicle for the Ron tour with a more solid exterior and aerodynamic stability. Dubbed the "Ron Bug", it is not yet known if it will be used for the remainder of the tour due to minimal seating, but will work fine for the short term.
Ron bug

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October 19, 2000


Celebrities endorse everything from automobiles to douches to candy bars. During election years, they also tend to conspicuously endorse high-profile candidates for public office.

Associating well-known, popular faces with a U.S. Presidential candidate is usually a big boost to a campaign. From Jerry Mathers advocating Adlai Stevenson to Tiny Tim endorsing Ross Perot, there is a modern history of celebrity support in political contests.

Many celebrities have felt the current pulse of the American voter -- who shows dissatisfaction with the major party candidates in 2000. A large number of famous folks have declined to endorse any particular candidate, but many have put stock in Ron.

While a few had rubbed elbows with Ron before -- from his years as a Lucent Technologies engineer -- many others have recently hopped on board the campaign in support of their new icon. In fact, a major New York "think tank" (Welsh & Snyder, Inc.) has created an entire marketing effort where celebrities can show their support of Ron through the "Ron's Mustache" ad campaign.

Ron's Mustache is a way for well-known faces to sport a Ron-like mustache to show their support of the Ronatarian Party candidate. You may have seen these images at bus stops, in smutty magazines, or at your local grocery store. From musicians to actors to athletes, the Ron's Mustache ad campaign covers it all. The ad campaign has become so popular, that celebrities from far and wide are lining up to stick a mustache on their lips and speak out for Ron.

Yet, other celebrities and notables tend to shy away from the spotlight where their personal lives and beliefs are concerned. While hundreds openly support Ron, they choose not to pose in the Ron's Mustache series of photographs. Instead, they spend more quality time with Ron and create some press opportunities through other means.

Ron would like to extend his humble thanks to his famous friends for their love and their devotion to his endeavor to become the next great American President.

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Clint Eastwood

Clint Eastwood Clint Eastwood is the former mayor of Carmel, California. He loves everything about Ron and has even taken Ron on a horsey ride or two.

"Ron's the balls." -Clint Eastwood

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Hairy Cousin It

Cousin It We discovered in the Ronline Community that Hairy Cousin It of the famed Adams Family is an avid supporter of the Ron 2000 campaign.

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October 17, 2000

Screwy In St. Louie

bus October 17, 2000: St. Louis, MO

Local supporters of the Ronatarian Party presidential ticket joined forces with their colleagues from across Missouri to protest the exclusion of their presidential candidate, Ron, from the debate held at Washington College in St. Louis.

Ron commented, "People are getting angrier about the arrogance of the two major parties. Who do they think they are? Puff Daddy!?!"

According to Ron, he has drawn the biggest and best crowds of any candidate -- 400 in Andover last month and 10-12 in London last Saturday. "The corporate-backed parties must not be allowed to silence a candidate favored by scores of progressive voters," declared Ron to his supporters gathered outside the debate center.

A statewide caravan of Ron supporters and volunteers -- also known as the "Ron Roadies" -- got its start in Independence, Missouri and drove West to Kansas City. Re-reading the map and realizing their error, the group turned around and headed East on I-70 to St. Louis. The rag-tag convoy of dilapidated old VWs stopped for support rallies and Slim Jims periodically along the way.

At each city along the route, pro-Ron rallies called attention to the exclusionary tactics of the two-party system and the evils of Chia Pets.

Finally in St. Louis, the Ron supporters joined a mass rally outside of the corporate-sponsored debate, which only included Republican fat cat George Bush and Democratic stray cat Al Gore.

The televised debate was ironically sponsored by the Anheuser-Busch Brewing Company. Feeling a special connection to Anheuser-Busch from his now famous Ronatarian Party creation pub crawl (See article "Ronatarian National Convention"), Ron was dismayed he is being left off the ticket.

"I guess the hangover continues," he was overheard muttering to Brad while an open mic picked up every word. "Bush and Gore are a--holes."

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October 11, 2000

Abstinence Is Best

debate October 11, 2000: Winston-Salem, NC

Moderator: "Is there any difference?"
Gore: "I haven't heard a big difference right in the last few exchanges..."
Bush: "Well, I think it's hard to tell."

The code phrase for the second Presidential debate was "I agree".

Well, Ron did not agree.

Twelve times during the debate in Winston-Salem, North Carolina George W. Bush and Al Gore used a variant of the phrase "I agree with you". Twenty-eight more times they used other words to let the national television audience know they were in agreement on everything from foreign policy to trigger locks to "less filling" (over "tastes great").

With that many "agreements," was it really a debate? Would Ron have made the gathering more edgy? More derisive? Bush even stopped to call his and Gore's agreements a "great love fest". Ron wondered aloud, "Is this the dawning of the Age of Aquarius? I think it is the Crap of Taurus."

Of the night's debate, Green party candidate Ralph Nader opined, "This misnamed debate was an interminable tedium of platitudinous dittos, garnished by relentless evasions and marinated in cowardly escapes from challenging the entrenched corporate interests."

Ron agrees with Nader here, but was not sitting next to Nader on the sidelines for the same reason. Nader was barred from the debate facility in Winston-Salem. Ron chose not even to be in the same state.

After the deplorable reception he received during an airplane layover in Charlotte, NC early in September, Ron was quoted as saying he'd never return to North Carolina. He said that the "toothless hicks should be able to better provide for a future President and his staff," and called his treatment "intolerable." (See article "Charlotte's Web")

Ron stood fast to his promise and actually spent the day in Atlanta, Georgia campaigning against flying the American flag over sacred Confederate sites.

He simply abstained from the debate. He just could not return to North Carolina and participate in an event after the ruckus in Charlotte. The critics were puzzled. Ron's constituency was not.

"I like a man who sticks to his guns," said Elaine Nesbit of Easton, Pennsylvania. "I baked him some lemon squares in support of his stance on this issue."

Ron acknowledged receipt of said lemon squares and thanked Mrs. Nesbit for her support and tasty treats. (The staff agreed: the lemon squares were delicious.) He also thanked the rest of his followers for their understanding of his principles in this matter.

"I wasn't going to let those grit-eating hillbillies get the best of me." He concluded, "I am grateful that my supporters grasp the reasons for my abstinence from the debate. I will voice my positions on key issues through other venues."

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October 10, 2000

Q: If Brad falls in the woods, does he make a sound?

A: This question has vexed philosophers since Socrates wondered if when he drank wine whether his wife made too much noise?

Ontologically, Brad's fall creates vibrations of air molecule that ears detect and people interpret as "sound" or "noise." The eternal question has been, if there is no one around to detect the vibration molecules, is any noise created? In this case, Brad hears his own fall, and thus he makes noise. However, if Brad was pushed over by Evil Steve, then Brad's fall sounds more like a "thump."

There is also the question of whether Brad's fall makes not just noise but also music. As Metallica and Celine Dion have made very clear, what one person calls music another may call noise. Brad may be an avant garde mucisian using the instruments of leaves and pine cones in his "back-to-nature" unplugged special.

Finally, it may also be that Brad's fall isn't noise, but is in fact "art." Were Brad a tree-hugging environmentalist making an allegorical play that protests against clear cutting virgin rainfortest, his fall is forest-based performance art.

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October 07, 2000

Ron and Alf?

- A. Shea

It turns out Ron is related to Alf. Here's proof.

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October 03, 2000

2000 campaign poster

2000 poster

The official poster for the Ron '2000 campaign is now here! Print it out and put it all over your town. Ron needs your help!

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Public Opposes Debate Lock-Out

riot Boston, Massachusetts: October 3, 2000

Ron called his exclusion from the presidential debates an "affront to democracy" and as "not giving me my props!" He cited a short list of mentally handicapped Americans from his campaign headquarters, and others from the world of politics, who have said that he should be given the chance to debate the major party candidates. This list includes: Chris Jones, Governor Jesse Ventura, former third-party presidential candidate John Anderson, "Amazing" Larry, Paul Reubens, Ted Nugent, Jackie Martling, and Phil Donahue.

Polls have consistently shown support for having Ron, Ralph Nader, and "Nutty" Pat Buchanan in the debates. A September 13 Zogby poll showed that 34.3 percent want Ron to participate in the presidential debates, while only 34.2 percent agree with the decision of the Commission on Presidential Debates (CPD) and major party campaigns to exclude him. A Playboy/Horn & Ball Poll from July showed that 98 percent of the American people want to see Heather Kozar stand naked at the debates, a number that was duplicated in many informal polls, including an NBC News Today Show Poll. Numerous polls have also shown that the public disagrees with the 15 percent threshold set by the CPD for including candidates in the debates. Additionally, many newspapers have editorialized in favor of including Ron in at least one presidential debate. These include the Washington Post, the Seattle Times, the New Jersey Spew, the L.A. Times, the San Francisco Chronicle, The National Enquirer, The Christian Science Monitor, and the Worcester Telegram & Gazette.

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October 02, 2000

The Ron Roadies and Campaign Staff

Ron Roadies

Ron hits the campaign trail! Click to enlarge image. This lovely photo shows an entire group of Ron roadies and campaign staff members before their tour of the country in the Ron bus.

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