September 29, 2000

Canine Support For Ron

-Submitted by T. Danciak

Now there is a canine support group for Ron's presidential campaign. We've heard nothing from the felines, but undoubtedly they will emerge sometime. No other candidate has support from this neglected group! Vote for Ron!

Posted by Webmaster at 11:20 PM | TrackBack

September 28, 2000

Semper Ubi Sub Ubi

Semper Ubi Sub Ubi

Andover, Massachusetts, September 28, 2000:

All classes were cancelled for Ron's big speech at Phillips Academy, the high school of both former President George Bush Senior (class of 1942) and opponent George W. Bush (class of 1964). The campus was sectioned off with barbed wire, FBI agents, metal detectors, and snipers on the rooftops as Ron spoke before an audience of students, townsfolk, and aspiring wedding singers.

Ron charmed the crowd with his infamous lip-sync of Milli Vanilli's Blame It On The Rain sung entirely in Latin before he moved on to topics like global warming and saving the Silver Spring Monkeys. It wasn't long before he made his assault on the Bush family.

"If George W. Bush has his way, every tree will become a public urinal. Those trees will die. Fires will burn. Birds will die. The stench of death will bring plagues, riots, and more death in a decline towards utter oblivion and hell." Ron was of course referring to the tree that George Senior planted with a gold shovel during his speech at the same campus in 1990. "Everybody here knows that it was George W. that urinated on and killed that tree."

A few seconds later, a young lass charged the stage and kissed Ron fully on the lips. She was still yelling "Ron Rules!" as the police dragged her off the scene. Ron, being fully used to these types of outbursts, briefly walked off the stage and kissed a granny in the front row. "I bring you love!" Ron proclaimed as he strutted off behind the stage to gather some more liquid courage.

The crowd went wild. A steady roar filled the field in front of Sam Phillips Hall as the crowd urged Ron to come back for an encore. "More Ron! More Ron!" echoed off every building. A full three minutes later the loudspeakers started blasting Slade's rendition of Ron Ron Away as a bare chested Ron charged onto the platform with a titanium shovel.

He planted a 15 foot tall stainless steel tree there in the center of the field. "Piss on this George," Ron screamed into the microphone, "and you're pissing on America!" Sweating profusely, Ron stumbled off into his getaway Camaro, told the crowd "don't drink and derive", and drove off the scene.

It was rumored that Ron was drinking with some of the students in the dorms around campus after curfew. Ron denies these allegations and stated that he "had a dentist appointment and couldn't possibly have been at those parties" Shown below are a few photos from students claiming to have partied with Ron:

Posted by Webmaster at 07:19 PM

Ron on Agriculture

American agriculture traditionally relied on the family farm. Growing up in the Garden State of New Jersey, Ron had a utopian view of the rundown farmhouses, 14-hour days, rustic equipment, back-breaking labor, minimal pay, and low social standing. In the modern era, the agricultural system has been taken over by a few conglomerates. Ron is confused: "What happened to the family farm? The farmer's daughter? The sheep?" The Freedom to Farm Act (1996) aimed to "get the government out of agriculture." This single piece of legislation has resulted in historically low commodity prices, severe decline in farm income and the number of farmers, and grand profits for grain merchandisers. Congress is responding to low farm income with direct payments to farmers. Thus, farm income which previously came from the marketplace now comes from taxpayers. While Ron is not against taxpayers, besides himself, footing the bill for costly national expenditures, he has decided to draw the line on this issue. Ron's Agriculture Theory (RAT) will do just that. RAT proposes to cut international imports of foodstuffs like reindeer sausage, chick peas, and Canadian bacon. Ron is pushing to keep all consumables "home grown" and ban the importation of any foodstuffs. This would stimulate the domestic farming economy and keep out such unwanted foods as Popov vodka, Goya beans, and Hartzell sardines. Sporting a milk mustache, Ron tussled with a group of female dairy farmers in Wisconsin after he joked, "There's nothing I'd rather squeeze than an American farmer's teat." While it took 17 police officers and a priest to calm down the crowd, the farmers eventually got the meaning of RAT after Ron explained it using a large toothpick diorama. As for the supposed "Frankenfood" issue, Ron likes the taste better and is promoting its development with taxpayer funding.

Posted by Webmaster at 05:44 PM | TrackBack

Ron on American Indians

Geronimo. Pocahontas. Chief Jay Strongbow. Sitting Bull. Sacagawea. Tonto. Crazy Horse. That Indian who cried at all of the litter on TV in the 1970s. All of these Native Americans evoke a stirring image of tradition and folklore. Ron wants to embrace that imagery. But Ron does not want the modern American Indian to gamble and drink his life away in scattered backwater communities. These once "noble savages" should assimilate to the modern American (i.e. corporate) culture like everyone else. John Marshall enunciated in 1832 (Worcester vs. Georgia) that an Indian tribe was a political body with powers of self-government. Since that time, the U.S. Supreme Court has held that tribes have self-governing powers except when these powers have been modified or repealed by act of Congress or by treaty. Ron finds this ideal woefully out-dated. "No more free rides!" Ron avowed at a charity fair for homeless unwed mothers. "Let's put 'em all in one place and show 'em what it's like to be a true American!" Ron admits that he has been studying some Australian history and is quite taken with the methods used by the Aussies to integrate the Aborigines into the culture Down Under.

To sum it all up, here are the lyrics to the song "Indians" by King Missile:

The Indians lived all over this land before we came and killed them.
That was very bad of us.
We thought we needed the land,
But for the most part,
We just ruined it anyway,
And now, nobody can use it.
That's the way we are.
We're pigs.

One of my favorite foods to eat is called corn.
The Indians call it "maize."
We call the Indians "Indians."
This is because Columbus thought he was in India
When he first came to this land.
Some people say we should call the Indians, "Native Americans,"
'Cause they were here in America before us,
But before us,
This land wasn't called "America."
It was named "America" by a mapmaker who never even came here.
He just lived in Europe
And made maps and when he found out about this land,
And put his name on it,
'Cause he could.
That's the way we are.
We're pigs.

As I was writing this,
A cockroach fell from the sky and onto the table.
I killed it,
'Cause I did.
That's the way I am.
This doesn't really have very much to do with the Indians, though.
I guess I got kind of sidetracked.
Anyway, I hope you see my point.

Posted by Webmaster at 05:43 PM | TrackBack

Ron on Campaign Finance Reform

Mr. Burns"I think public campaigns in the United States should be privately financed from the coffers of foreign allies, like France and New Zealand," Ron declared in a 4th of July speech in Latrobe, Pennsylvania. The vested interests of our nation would then be at the hands of our capable foreign allies. "We're not taking PAC money. We're not using soft money. We're going for individual contributions here," explained Ron to a stunned crowd. "We will put America first by letting competitor nations influence our course of actions." Ron expects ample and active participation from other countries for presidential and congressional campaigns. But when fiduciary support for state and local elections drops below a certain operating threshold, the U.S. government would create a public money pool in that community for all the candidates to use. No private funds would be used. Ron likened some of the European campaign ads to the popular Mentos commercials seen here and abroad. "That doesn't necessarily mean I am 'The Freshmaker'," quipped Ron, "but it may mean that I am 'Fresh and full of life'!" This projected plan would also take a chunk out of our ever-increasing international trade deficit, with foreigners swapping cash for political favors.

Posted by Webmaster at 05:37 PM | TrackBack

Ron on Children and Youth Issues


"I believe the children are our future/Teach them well and let them lead the way/Show them all the beauty they possess inside/Give them a sense of pride/To make it easier/Let the children's laughter/Remind us how we used to be." These are the words of Whitney Houston's The Greatest Love. If Ron could hold a tune, he would definitely not be singing this song. While bleeding-hearts and child welfare supporters may buy into this crap, Ron is wary of the youth of America. He knows that their skateboarding and Pokemon-doting ways will yield nothing but headaches and boy bands for our nation. "You can obviously see how our children are not learning enough Eritrean history, classical Latin, and theoretical physics...they're not even learning how to write," said Ron to a Sitcom Writers Guild in Hollywood, California. "Their attention span is being shrunk to less than that of a Bittle Bug by all this lousy entertainment on TV and in movies." Ron feels that repairing our schools and improving our infrastructure would be too costly. He has other ideas. The copyrights for these ideas are still being processed. Ron will try to have them released by Election Day.

Posted by Webmaster at 05:36 PM

Brad... The Man Behind the Man

As Ron's popularity continues to grow, and his numbers in the polls show an upward rise, one question still seems to be on everyone's mind: What is a Brad? Some sort of Camaro prototype?

No, folks... While it's true that Brad is nuts, bolts, and adrenaline, he's all man... he is Ron's running mate, in fact. When Brad originally signed on as Ron's running mate, he didn't even know Ron was a presidential candidate. He simply knew he wanted to get behind Ron any way he could, whether it be running mate, or any other sort of mate. You see, Ron and Brad have a special relationship. College roommates of the highest caliber, the two innocent youths grew to be the best of friends. They studied together, worked together, and even studied together.

But there is so much more to Brad than a simple friendship with a true American hero. The son of Russian immigrants, Bradlov Papinskov was put to work in a dairy farm at the tender age of 7 to support his family as his father suffered from one of the worst cases of irritable bowel syndrome known to mankind. Surrounded by cheese and nipples, young Bradlov vowed that when he grew older he would help to make the world a better place.

Immediately following his father's miraculous recovery, Bradlov decided, for the good of the people, to leave behind his heritage and he legally took on a new Americanized name: Brad Pope. Just the sound of the name was majestic, biblical, American!

Brad held true to his promise over the next 10 years, quietly rising through the high school ranks and ensuring himself a spot at the fine institution of Lafayette College. The day he left for school was the proudest day of Mr. and Mrs. Papinskov's lives. For they had raised a fine and honorable young man. He was in fate's hands now, and fate was sure to steer him in the right direction.

It wasn't long before he met his match... another young man known simply as "Ron". Brad and Ron at first had an adversarial relationship; they both knew they wanted the same thing, to excel in all things academic, but only one could be the best. Or so they thought. As both were young men before their times, they had learned to always keep an open mind, so it did not take long for them to realize that by working together they could be stopped by nothing. Brad, never one to deny his own weaknesses, soon learned to trust Ron's amazing leadership abilities. And Ron learned that Brad was certainly a man to be trusted, a man whose work ethic was unmatched. By learning from each other, they have become exceptional individuals, but an absolutely amazing team.

So let's not forget, even though Ron is a true man of the people, it is the combination of both Ron and Brad that form the Ronatarian ticket, and will truly inspire the American public!

Viva La Ron, and Honor Thy Brad!
-Submitted by A. Shea

Posted by Webmaster at 05:54 AM | TrackBack

September 27, 2000

Ron on Corporations

Monoply man"I want to be President for a very simple reason: the chicks," Ron said to the pro-feminist group Girls with Guns. "But, I also want to create a progressive movement that challenges the concentration of power and wealth in the hands of global corporations who dominate our government, our workplace, our environment, and our sports arenas...Where the hell is Conseco Field anyway?" Small businesses are the backbone of this great nation. As President, Ron will work to strengthen and create new opportunities for small businesses and entrepreneurs. With his radical new plan CUNT -- Corporations Under the Nation's Thumb -- Ron wants to stifle quality products that are mass marketed because of their local successes and potential positive influences. With CUNT in the face of multi-national corporations, Ron will be able to "sniff out the empty clams from the pearl-filled oysters" and end their evil, monopolistic ways. "Big business has been colliding with American democracy and democracy has been losing," Ron slurred at a Happy Hour in the New York City Financial District. "These modern corporations are planning our f---ing futures...Who will toast to that!?!" To further help small businesses prosper, Ron will expand access to monetary and technical assistance, streamline the regulatory process, personally hand out free office supplies, and provide tax cuts to strengthen small business investment. Other than that, he is going to let little businesses duke it out with "the big boys" to survive.

Posted by Webmaster at 05:34 PM | TrackBack

Ron on the Death Penalty

Statistically, the death penalty is severely discriminatory against minorities and the feeble-minded. Ron is OK with this. His New Jersey upbringing has hardened his skin to bleeding-heart issues such as this. Fact: It costs more to pursue a capital case toward execution than it does to have full life imprisonment without parole. Ron wants to change this. His initiative "Send the Juice" implements ways to cut the time between a capital conviction and the subsequent execution. By bypassing the wasteful appeals process and any sort of humanitarian prison conditions, Ron feels that the prisoner will just "give up all hope" and beg to be put out of his misery. In this way, Send the Juice would cut down on death row overcrowding, wasteful appeals, and overall prison and administrative costs. "When [Illinois] Governor Ryan declared a moratorium to determine how many capital defendants have been adequately represented by competent lawyers and to review the whole capital legal process, I could have puked!" Ron told a group of retired former Dallas Cowboys. "They did it!" he exclaimed. "They know they did it! They should fry!" As for means of execution, Ron is open to just about any tried-and-true method from the world's long history of killing its criminals.

Posted by Webmaster at 05:33 PM | TrackBack

September 26, 2000

Ron on Presidential Debates

To shut out an illegitimate third-party candidate like Ron from the major presidential debates is to limit the competitive democratic process on which the American electoral system is supposedly built. To butcher a Bible verse -- if Ron cannot go to the debates, then bring the debates to Ron. Ron is proposing a new format of presidential debate called "SLOPPY Ts" -- or State and Legislative Oratory Presidential PrimarY Talks. Ron is betting that SLOPPY Ts would be appreciated everywhere, but only if packaged nicely and properly supported. "If only every citizen of voting age could immerse himself headlong in SLOPPY Ts, a better understanding of the throbbing election issues would arise," Ron stated to the family group Moms Against Dads (MAD) in Eugene, Oregon. SLOPPY Ts would not be a loose, seemingly random gyration of events and speeches, but a focused event. The candidates would all gather in a padded room with recessed television cameras -- each participant armed only with a microphone, a six-pack of beer, and a can of whipped cream. The opening bell would sound and a moderator would ask the candidates a topical question. An open forum would ensue and the candidates would answer as they see fit. If political conflicts arise, the candidates would settle it inside the room by whatever means they saw fit. But, if by the end not all candidates have finished their beers, they are punished by having to concede a demoralizing, and televised, "atomic noogie" to those candidates who did finish their beers. Ron feels, in this way, the true nature of the participating politicians and the hot issues will manifest themselves. Ron proposes a pair of SLOPPY Ts for all to watch on national TV before Election Day. It might have to be carried on cable, so check your local listings.

Posted by Webmaster at 05:31 PM | TrackBack

Ron on Democrats and Republicans

good old boys
Every year both the Democrats and the Republicans become a worse option to Americans. The two parties are converging more and more into a huge, vested-interest conglomerate and are turning their backs on very important needs of the people. Therefore, we, the Ronatarian Party, are appealing to conservatives, liberals, radicals, junkies, losers, hosers, hookers, dweebs, dorks, chumps, jocks, hackers, slackers, professionals, amateurs, midgets, Zamkoffs, women, cartoonists, side-show freaks, and all of the other people who feel they are losing their political say in this country. Ron has taken it upon himself to be the "Voice of the Disenfranchised", or "VD", in this election. Ron's VD will be like a rash on the genitals of those Washington fat-cats. His personage will ooze like puss from the sores known as the disenchanted United States public. His contagious words will soon spread across the lips of those who are not careful like small warts. In fact, Ron was heard saying at a monster truck pull in Nashville, "My VD will be tougher to shake than a foster baby in a family courtroom." Ron will instigate the changes necessary in this great land by creating a true, multi-party political system. Ron didn't laugh when he said to Dr. Joyce Brothers, "A funny thing is happening in America. Every time one of the major parties wins, it says it is because it took the other's issues away. And then when it loses, it argues that it is because it is not appealing to the opposition's voters. We at the Ronatarian Party want them to say they lost because of a horrible case of Ron's VD."

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September 25, 2000

Ron on Disabilities

The Americans With Disabilities Act is now ten years old, but it has only just begun to correct the fears that have kept people with disabilities in isolation throughout history. "Everyone knows a good Helen Keller joke," quipped Ron at Memorial Hospital in Des Moines, Iowa. Disabled people are still too often refused access to health care, transportation, school, housing, and jobs. Ron believes that all Americans should have the opportunity to learn and develop skills, make macaroni pictures with glue and paper, choose where to live, and participate in community life. Russell, a man with no arms and no legs, told us he believed in Ron's sincerity as he rolled in a pile of leaves in his native Maine. Ron's initiative, called "Handi-Man", would create a program utilizing $1.1 billion over 5 years to expand access to assistive technology, to further integrate disabled Americans into the workforce, and to remove community barriers/stigmas. Ron has also devised a scheme to bring more Americans with disabilities into the federal workforce. With such a program, our U.S. Congress would double its number of members with mental handicaps (bringing the total to 346). While disabled Americans have their place in society, Ron would like to reduce their powerful lobbying voice currently in place in Washington, D.C. By curbing the power of the Disabled Republicans from Ohio and Oklahoma Lobby (DROOL), Ron thinks government would lose excess baggage that hinders its performance. "I don't think the American public needs 'a colostomy bag on every seat'," said Ron, mocking a DROOL slogan. "DROOL is very exclusive in its policies," continued Ron in Des Moines. "What about my endeavor to put the blind behind the wheel? Or do away with the Special Olympics so they don't exclude the able-bodied?" Ron is also in favor of increased parole hearings for Charles Manson and the "Rainbow Wig" guy.

Posted by Webmaster at 05:27 PM | TrackBack

Ron on the EnviRonment

ferrets stinkl
From his pioneering work to raise awareness of the problems of global warming to protecting and saving America's natural treasures, Ron has an imaginary track record of action and leadership in protecting our environment. Ron is committed to a new era of environmental protection if elected President. The outdated current federal model of "mandate, regulate, and litigate" needs to be modernized. While it has yielded benefits in the past, it encourages Americans to do the bare minimum to protect the environment and fails to reward innovation or positive results. Ron alleges to having a plan to promote more livable communities, protect the common gray squirrel, and take new steps to protect our fragile coastlines. To curtail global warming and ensure clean air, Ron is pushing for the United States to ratify the Kyoto Protocol. Since the document was created in Japan, Ron is unsure of the language of the agreement, relying instead on secondhand translations of the innovative environmental legislation. He thinks it has something to do with promoting the "Samurai Culture" by buying low-emission Japanese automobiles, cut-rate Japanese electronics, and low-priced kimonos. Ron wants to further strengthen the standards that give people the right to know about toxic releases in their neighborhoods and abroad. In this way, the creation of mutants and the proliferation of mole-people will be drastically reduced. As with any new technology, Ron believes we must carefully weigh the risks and benefits of genetically modified organisms, particularly with respect to food safety and potential environmental impacts. "If we could replace the dangerous sharp and pointy pineapple with the Hostess Twinkie," Ron proclaimed to a group of morticians in Alaska last month, "we would not only reduce on health care costs, but also save millions in unnecessary embalming costs." Ron's response to global warming will include the following: Increased use of renewable energy and diminished use of fossil fuels, especially for electric power generation; improved fuel efficiency of all vehicles; improved efficiency of all appliances and industrial equipment; the elimination of all subsidies for fossil fuel and nuclear development and production. Among these resources, Ron will reinitiate the widespread use of dogsleds and police cars powered by real horses. In all, Ron wants to challenge the country to change its environmental attitude through his Habitat for an Environmentally Aware Populace (HEAP) endeavor. Through initiatives laid forth in the HEAP program, Ron will ensure that the federal government maintains a strong environmental role but will return significant authority to states and local communities. Under Ron, the federal government will set high environmental standards and provide market-based incentives to develop new technologies and approaches so that Americans meet -- and exceed -- those standards. If none of these ideas work, Ron is willing to plug up Old Faithful with concrete to "see what happens."

"Scientists, take note: Try to convert toxic waste into yummy pies -- because, while everybody hates a toxic waste dump in their neighborhood, I think I can speak for everybody when I say a pie shop is A-Okay." -- Ron

Posted by Webmaster at 05:25 PM | TrackBack

Ron on Fair Trade

Japanese satan"Fair trade" is a misnomer to Ron. He thinks that the current monopoly patents are just trying to convert all sorts of natural knowledge into intellectual property. Ron is not an intellectual, so he is confused by this. All of the rest he considers corporate-managed trade. "It's a bulls--t mentality!" Ron lectured to unemployed rodeo clowns in Wyoming. "We have loggers cut down the forests to make toothpicks and bowling pins and let the future generations worry about the repercussions." Multi-national corporations are depleting our renewable resources with no plans for replenishing them. And we simply let them. The World Trade Organization (WTO) seems to say that trade is supreme over environmental, labor, consumer, and topless dancing considerations. The WTO undermines our legitimate national sovereignty which enables the U.S. to lead the way in worker, consumer, and environmental standards. Ron would push to create new labor and trade treaties that have some real cajones to them. For example, if Ron had an overhauled air-intake valve for a 1974 Camaro, he feels he should be able to easily trade the item for a rare Tracy Lords video without having to cut through red tape or pay excessive tariffs. Ron thinks that there should be free trade all over the world. As an American, Ron firmly believes that we must allow U.S. companies to go to dictatorships and depressed nations and use the reduced labor costs there to add to the profit-margins. Foreign labor abuses could be a major asset for these U.S. companies in building products that they then can send back to this country at reduced rates. To Ron, GATT and NAFTA are just typos.

Posted by Webmaster at 05:21 PM | TrackBack

September 22, 2000

Ron on Foreign Policy

The United States expends huge amounts of personnel and money in preparing for war. But the U.S. is not rigorously attempting to mediate current scenarios or anticipating preventable conflicts. "Preventive Diplomacy" is a slogan Ron is promoting on his ticket. Ron finds it amazing that any discussion of foreign policy is usually about current hot spots, instead of asking, "How did we get into this god-forsaken situation in the first place?" What could have been done to avoid it? Ron will hire historians to his staff so he can learn from mistakes and successes from the past. In this way, he can relate the Salem Witch Trials to child prostitution rings in Southeast Asia. Ron feels that needless violence between human beings has no place outside the arena of professional wrestling. In a garrulous speech delivered to out-of-work cabana boys, Ron laid out his defense plans: "It is important to have a lean, mean defense...a lot like Mr. T. It looks so pretty on the outside, but inside is a tiger waiting to break loose. A wasteful defense is a weak defense. A weak defense is like Mrs. Butterworth." America has a history of siding with the rich and flashy dictators and oligarchs and never with the dirty and low-down scum that make up the peasantry. The U.S. tends to support these tyrants as long as they're anticommunist. This policy is wrong and must be overhauled. In the realm of national defense and international diplomacy, we are currently proposing a national missile defense system. In a survey, three out of four physicists have recommended putting an end to the development of such a system because it is just not going to work. The international community is chastising us for building such a system, which they feel threatens their sovereignty. "F--k those cheese eating surrender monkeys in France and elsewhere!" yelled Ron at the Franco-American Rally for Togetherness (FART). Ron is proud of America's influence on globalization. He does not want to rescue the languages of indigenous historic cultures. He is pushing to formally allow Western corporatism to define the world's culture. Ron is also quite interested in exchanging (or swapping) the females in his workplace with buxom young lasses from Scandinavia.

Posted by Webmaster at 05:19 PM | TrackBack

September 21, 2000

Ron on the Men's Ukranian Gymnastics Team

- submitted by M. Tracey

Yet another photograph from Ron's past uncovered. This is Ron from the Ukrainian men's gymnastics team. Note the 'fro.

Posted by Webmaster at 11:17 PM | TrackBack

Ron on Gays and Lesbians

not-Brad"I think fags have the right to a civil union," Ron stated to an (unarmed) NRA group in Redneck Hall in Mobile, Alabama. "I believe homosexuals should be given equal rights, equal fitted tights, and equal responsibilities" as heterosexuals in America. "...and let's not forget transsexuals, hermaphrodites, and transvestites," Ron warned the alert audience. Ron agrees wholeheartedly with the domestic decision made in Vermont and the recent international decision made in The Netherlands regarding same-sex unions. There are multiple economic and humanitarian reasons for these renderings. Same-sex partnerships should be treated as traditional opposite-sex unions both in the eyes of government and society at large. Ron's "Kids for Queers" program looks to pair orphaned or neglected heterosexual children with loving and supportive homosexual couples. With this program, Ron hopes to break down the barriers of prejudice and oppression against gays in America. Ron also favors Cam-Corders for Lesbians (CCFL) -- a program initiated by the Comedy Central program "The Man Show". CCFL hopes to distribute old family cam-corders to young lesbian couples so they can film themselves and have their tapes reviewed and critiqued by CCFL's crack staff, of which Ron is a charter member. Ron asks the American voter to look past "traditional values" and towards the future on this issue.

Posted by Webmaster at 05:18 PM | TrackBack

Ron on Gun Control

NRA man
In America, you have people who are killed or injured with guns and you have people who killed them (or injured them trying). There is a difference between these two peoples: ignorance. How do you marry the two? "A shotgun wedding!" quipped Ron at a rally for NAMBLA (North American Man Boy Love Association). Ron has a broad three-point plan to satisfy the scared (i.e. unarmed) citizens and appease the National Rifle Association (NRA). First of all, arm the entire American populace with guns. Second, license and register all gun owners (i.e. the American public). Third, turn around and quickly ban all weaponry, seizing all of the nation's firearms in one fell swoop. The nation's gun problems would effectively disappear. Of course, details of certain parts of this plan would be kept secret until after Step 3.

Posted by Webmaster at 05:14 PM | TrackBack

Ron on Healthcare

The Doctor According to the World Health Organization (WHO), the United States is ranked 37th among nations of the world regarding the quality of health care. Western European countries started providing for their people after our American troops had to liberate them from the shackles of Nazi occupation. The generous Marshall Plan gave them money from our deep U.S. pockets to leap ahead of us in the health care realm. "While we continue to blow away those f---ing Europeans financially, standard of living-wise, and in total number of cases of 'going postal', I think we could learn something from those bastards with regard to health care," Ron declared to a waiter at a Denny's in Seattle. He continued his rant to the nearby busboy: "We have a real opportunity to reforge our health care system in a non-profit mode and implement universal health care for all of the puny weaklings who need it." In the U.S., 24 percent of the money spent on health care goes directly to administrative costs. This is unacceptable, because our neighbors to the north, the Canadians, spend only 11 cents per dollar on administrative costs. Ron is adamant about this issue. The Canada-U.S. difference could "pay for covering the millions of low-life Americans who now have no health insurance!" Ron left both the waiter and the busboy a 13-cent tip to cover their future health care costs and went on his merry way. Ron feels that the HMOs, Blue Cross/Blue Shields, and the HoMOs are destabilizing themselves by their own greed and administrative ineptitude. Ron is also in favor of drug pricing restaints. Instead of giving a monopoly to just one drug company, multiple licenses would be issued to any company that wants to sell a particular drug. That way, medicinal innovation would be stifled and research would be kept totally secret. This would spell the end for U.S. pharmaceutical companies as we know them and free up those "doctors" for more rounds of golf. If there is any opposition by the drug companies to this plan, the government "will strike down upon [them] with great vengeance and furious anger against those who attempt to poison and destroy [Ron's program]." (Pulp Fiction)

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The T'inator

Mr. T The T'inator I pity the fool who don't use this website (it's one of Ron's favorites). Make any web page displayed with full Mr T jive, sound clips, and pretty pictures like the one here.

Posted by Webmaster at 04:24 AM | TrackBack

September 20, 2000

Ron on Immigration

cheech "Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!" These are the words of Emma Laszuras, inscribed on the Statue of Liberty in New York. Ron would re-write this "drivel" if he had the chance (i.e. were President). At a meeting of the Step-Daughters of the War of 1812, Ron stated emphatically that "while immigrants tend to be stinky, steal state secrets, and cook ungodly concoctions, they have a place in our society." Ron continued, "Who would kick our field goals? Who would pick our strawberries?" But, Ron would like to impose an "Immigrant Cap", similar to what many professional sports leagues in America use. Each state would get a certain number of immigrants per year, based on census figures. In that way, the immigrant population would be held in check and the total number of green cards limited. Ron also feels that a better foreign policy toward Mexico, favoring the peasants and the workers, would improve the obviously desperate economic conditions in which they live. Hopefully, an improved Mexican economy would dissipate the desire for these desperate people to move north and expose their entire lives to crossing the border. If that doesn't work, Ron proposes to build a 15-foot wall along the U.S.-Mexico border with razor wire at the top.

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Ron on Labor

The draconian labor laws in this supposed great land of ours make it extremely difficult for U.S. workers to engage in trade union organization and collective bargaining. "[They] are even more obstructive than the labor laws in friggin' Canada!" Ron told a group of retired nurses in Florida last Spring. "North of the border, those goddamn Canucks are forming unions like they're going out of style." Ron remarked that in western Europe, workers don't have to collectively bargain for a lot of worker benefits. For example, whether you are unionized or not, you get a month's paid vacation in Europe. You get long maternity leaves. You get much longer sick leaves. You can even apply for a mustache-trimming leave without reprimand. This system is what the French call "le Castor de Or" (literally the "Golden Beaver") or what we in America would call the social wage. "There is nothing f---ing close to that here in America!" Ron was overheard saying at a urinal in Little Rock, Arkansas. Statistics show that the percentage of union members in the private sector has just dropped below 10 percent, the lowest percentage in the western world. Green Party candidate Ralph Nader said, "This indicator of people's plight explains much more about why many workers do not earn enough to support their families, why they have to bear more of the health insurance premiums, if they receive any from their employer, and why they go without or endure shrinking retirement benefits." Ron plagiarized this statement and is using it in his campaign.

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Ron on Living Wage

In 1941, Supreme Court Justice Louis Brandeis wrote: "We can have a democratic society or we can have the concentration of great wealth in the hands of the few. We cannot have both." Ron feels that the concentration of power and wealth is not headed in the right direction in the 21st Century. Top CEOs are making over 400 times the entry-level salary in their own company. "My f---ing boss makes more than God!" Ron raged at a local church function. "Why can't I do less work for more goddamn money!?!" Ron strongly believes that the rule of the rich and the powerful has extended deep into many facets of our society -- from dominating our government and workplace to controlling and manipulating the minds of our marketplace. Ron wants to put the "work" back in worker, creating a blue coller "worker's revolution" power base. From this base, the workers of America can express their concerns and gripes. The United States has experienced ten years of unprecedented economic growth, but the majority of workers are making less today (in inflation-adjusted dollars) than they did in 1979. There are about 47 million workers, over one-third of the workforce, making less than $10 per hour with no or limited benefits. "Who designed this modern economy where it takes two to three breadwinners to survive?" Ron lectured to a group of PGA tour winners. "I will argue for a living wage in our communities so that hard-working families do not have to live without modern technological luxuries and are able to work in jobs that have meaning and dignity." With that statement, the professional golfers erupted in joyous applause, for Ron had struck a chord. He has struck a chord with America, too.

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Ron on the Media

baba booey"The media is an evil concentration of power spewing its venomous views of the world on an ignorant America," Ron stated at a gathering of media moguls in July. "The voice of the people is not being expressed!" Ron feels that the only good news/information comes from cable access television programs like "What's that smell?" and "Gordon's chum and bait" (Channel 4 in Lakehurst, NJ). Ron feels that it is wrong to have one company owning 500+ radio stations, whereas before 1996 (with the passing of the Telecommunications Act) it was illegal to own more than 12. Six major media conglomerates now control most of the circulation of magazines, newspapers, and the audience of radio and TV, and Ron feels that is "a big load of poopy". Diversity and freedom within the media is Ron's ultimate goal. Ron is in favor of more pay-per-view porn and less "Body by Jake". "The electronic media is into trivialization, flash, and sensationalism," Ron said before the executives of E! Television, FOX, and MTV networks. "Give me 'happy little trees'!"

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September 19, 2000

Ron on the Military Budget

rambo Thirty to forty U.S. troops are stationed in Europe and East Asia, fighting in bars, sustaining local prostitution rings, and learning to "ask, not tell". Ron queried to the League of Non-Voters, "Couldn't we afford to use these people elsewhere?" Ron's plan is to eliminate the U.S. military and hire a mercenary militia comprised of Swiss, Amish, and Quaker forces. The money saved would be a boon to the economy. This falls under Ron's military plan to "wage peace" on dastardly foreign dictators like Tony Blair. These special forces would wage peace with rigorous pacifism, mediation, and no weaponry. The current U.S. forces would be made into expansion Major League Baseball players, fashion consultants, and town criers.

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Ron on Political Representation

Since Ron is running an independent grassroots campaign, he believes strongly in individual political representation. "In the United States, we need to create an in-your-face discussion about proper political representation," he avowed, "and I'm going to hold my breath until we get it." Some 50 seconds later, after being revived from fainting, Ron amended his ultimatum. "We will go through appropriate channels to achieve political reform, if that interests anybody."

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Ron on Racism

Ron was born and raised in New Jersey. He grew up observing New Jersey's police force using a technique called "racial profiling" to single out citizens on the basis of race and ethnicity. He was raised to think nothing of police officers making special traffic stops on grounds that certain citizens fit a special "profile" of the population, which in the eyes of the police is "more likely to commit certain crimes." He is battling himself for the answer. On one hand, he has always seen it that way, but on the other hand, he realizes it could be wrong. In education, many standardized tests tend to discriminate against low income and minority students. Although he grew up a Caucasian aristocrat, Ron felt that these tests hurt him in his youth, as well. He will champion the cause that will make all multiple choice "bubble" test answers "B". In that way, everybody wins. Lastly, many sports teams have names which are offensive to many citizens, particularly Native Americans and loudmouth immigrants. These names should be altered and the offensive symbols removed. For example, the "Fighting Irish" of Notre Dame should be amended to the "Soused Leprechauns".

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Ron on Sustainable Energy

Ron proposes a total transformation of the current American energy policy and looks toward a renewable energy program. His program, "Green Eggs & Energy", is founded on wind and solar energy, cow dung incinerators, a "wave-motion" turbine, and reckless nuclear experimentation. Ron strongly feels that a renewable energy strategy is necessary and that the nation must diminish its dependence on existing fossil fuel technology. "I would close the loophole that allows sport utility vehicles to avoid the same emissions standards as cars," Ron declared at a Hummer rally. As for the topic of global warming, Ron believes that cutting the fat, instead of the cheese, will keep harmful pollutants out of the air.

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Ron on Taxation

the taxman
Ron feels that "Taxation Without Representation" is a fair policy for 21st Century America. He will set tax rates according to mood. When told that this policy may make him some enemies in Congress, he had a hearty belly laugh. This good mood led him to install the initial/election tax rate at 42.6 percent. He has made the Camaro Club on New Jersey tax exempt, also.

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Ron on Tort Reform

For the past two decades, the tobacco, condom, auto, petroleum, firearm, and breast implant industries, and their insurers, have fought to limit peoples' rights to sue and to further limit their own liability for the damages they cause innocent victims. Ron hates that. Aimed in the direction of Congress and the state legislatures, this coalition of insurance companies and corporate defendants' lobbies has relied on misinformation and anecdotal evidence to attack and destroy decades of slow but careful progress made by state courts respecting the physical integrity of human beings against harm. Ron wants to restore the rights of injured consumers to sue the pants off the perpetrators of their harm (i.e. big corporations). "No more Mr. Nice Guy," said Ron to a group of mentally handicapped adolescents in June. While banging on the podium with his fist he continued, "We must stop allowing for-profit companies to make profits by allowing any backwater yokel who is stupid enough to misuse a safe product to sue the company for an unfathomable sum of money." Unfortunately for Ron, he accidentally knocked over his mug of steaming hot Starbucks coffee on his lap at this time. That case has just moved to trial.

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Ron on Whaling

Ron is sick and tired of people supporting the whales. With the girth of the American waistline growing, Ron feels it is wrong to ignore the whale issue. "Too many fat chicks are ruining my ideals," he said recently at a fundraiser for the group Liberators of Americans with Rotund Derrieres (LARD). "Who will trim the waistline of America?" Ron asked his crowd rhetorically. "Bush? Gore? Tipper Gore? No, me." Asked how exactly he would reach the goal of what he termed "a thinner America", Ron became belligerent and stormed off-stage to a chorus of Arsenio-type hooting. LARD was nice enough to provide an aerial salute of some aged fruits and vegetables for Ron too. Ron also feels that the sperm whale should not be labeled "The Dildo of the Deep."

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Ron on Women's Issues

Ron has known for almost thirty years that feminism is, by its nature, not "special interest" politics. Feminism, as a (w)hole, is a consistent and inclusive political and ethical stance. Women come in all hair colors -- and those who dislike their natural color fuel the multi-billion dollar hair-coloring industry. Ron likes redheads. Redheads typically don't like Ron, but neither do brunettes or blondes. Women tell Ron that they bear "the greatest burden", suffer "like, you know, the most", are consistently underpaid, get sexually harassed on the job, are constantly told to "drop 10-20 pounds", are denied promotions, and are generally exploited. There is hardly any social justice issue that does not bear directly upon women and Ron is appalled. He is so in shock that he refuses to do anything about any claims women have brought before him. "Serves them right," he says. "If they don't wanna date me, then let them go to hell in a handbasket." As for the abortion issue, Ron won't touch that with a 1 meter long uniform steel rod that has a diameter of 2 inches.

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September 14, 2000

Q: Why is it that every single place I go smells like boogers?

A: Check your mustache. If you're not careful about grooming and pruning, it will get caked all over with boogers. Logically, since your plumage is located right below your nose, and your nose is a source of boogers, you will smell these boogers all the time if it is not properly upkept.

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September 12, 2000


seal Ron seal
"Come on down, and meet your maker/Come on down, and make the stand." -- "The Stand" by The Alarm, from the album Declaration.

So what exactly does Ron stand for? He firmly believes that breakfast cereals aren't just for breakfast anymore. He distrusts baseball players because they use their bats for sport rather than as weapons. He is on a personal campaign to eliminate all of the Burger King restaurants in America.

Those are just a few samplings of the many things Ron stands for. He is a leader for the new millennium with a comprehensive plan for tomorrow. His platform reflects his inner convictions. He will do no "Platform Diving" by changing policy once in office...he leaves that to Olympians.

Whether it be his stance on foreign policy, taxation, or campaign finance reform, Ron offers his best effort to the American public. "It is of the utmost importance that people cut through the 'jibba jabba' spewed forth by my opponents and look to me for true leadership."

Ron invites the public to examine his platform issues and delve into their nuances. He is convinced that his ideas and programs will attract themselves to the voting populace of these United States.

"Be my guest."

Posted by Webmaster at 04:20 AM | TrackBack

September 11, 2000

Cosmonaut Ron

Cosmonaut Ron
-Submitted by M. Tracey

This photo was found by one of our sources. It is the official press photo for the upcoming NASA mission. Is that Ron in there? And what's that flag on his uniform? If you have any information on this story please send me information!

Posted by Webmaster at 11:11 PM | TrackBack

September 07, 2000

Q: Is it true that Ron's upper lip was horribly disfigured in a horrible childhood accident involving Popsicles, a ferret, three snakes and a box of spiders? Could you enlighten us on this issue? Inquiring minds want to know.

A: Yes. Although this sounds like an ordinary urban legend, it's completely true. He has lived with this disfiguring "scar" ever since he joined that Civil War Society back in '87. The incident happened in his tent at Gettysburg while he was waxing his legs before the big battle.

Posted by Webmaster at 05:36 AM | TrackBack

Q: Is it true that Ron has secretly been the lover of Hillary Clinton, and that is why she doesn't care that her husband is a *@&%!#@ @$^*!?g?

Charles Manson

A: You've confused this Ron with Ron Howard, formerly "Richie" on the hit TV series "Happy Days". Ron would never ally himself with the Biblical Whore Of Babylon

Posted by Webmaster at 05:30 AM | TrackBack

September 05, 2000

Spinning Ron Animated GIF

This is the Spinning Ron Animated GIF v.1.0 prototype. Created 9/5/00

spinning-ron- v2
This is the Spinning Ron Animated GIF v.2.0b. A few frames have been redrawn so his neck and head size don't fluctuate as much. Some pixels have been cleaned up. Updated 9/6/00-9/7/00.

spinning-ron- v3
This is the Spinning Ron Animated GIF v.3.0a. This may be the final version. I may insert more inbetween frames for a smoother transition at some point. It may be time to move on to the Dancing Ron project. Updated 9/9/00.

Don't see any animation? You'll probably need to update your web browser. You can find the Microsoft Updates (if you're using Microsoft Internet Explorer) by going to and clicking on "product updates". If you're using Netscape, then I feel really sorry for you.

Posted by Webmaster at 10:50 PM | TrackBack

Charlotte's Web

plane Charlotte, North Carolina: September 5, 2000

Ron was stuck in the Charlotte, North Carolina airport for a night on a leg of his Seattle, WA to Anchorage, AK flight in early September. "I can't believe they would delay a presidential candidate's plane...even for precautionary maintenance. I've got to campaign!" he was heard screaming to the airport's TCBY store attendant.

With the city's hotels filled for the weekend's tobacco-sponsored NASCAR event, Ron was, in his own words, "screwed". His staff needed beds. Ron needed a bed and a nightlight.

Heretofore unbeknownst to Ron, a small group of travelers bypass not only hotels but every other form of paid lodging. Their standard-bearer is Donna McSherry, who founded the Cheap Like Me Travel Society and operates a Web site called the Budget Traveller's Guide to Sleeping in Airports. The website ranks sleeping arrangements in airports all around the world. A kindly Hare Krishna gave Ron the URL and he and his crack staff gathered around his laptop screen to discover their fate.

Cheap Like Me website: "Charlotte was a pretty nice airport. It had these Quiet zones that had all the really comfy couches. The only problem was that the quiet zones were right in the middle of the lobby, so in the early morning, it started to get a little loud."

The staff all looked at each other with quizzical looks. "Well, it looks like we are destined for the lobby," said Ron to his staff. "Let's get moving."

The lobby proved to be exceedingly hard to locate, as Ron has no sense of geographical direction and his staff shows no sign of leadership qualities. After 4 hours, Shangri-la was discovered. With his staff spread out over the couches and X-Ray machines of the airport lobby, Ron settled in for a horrible 2-hours rest.

He awoke in such a pissy mood that he vowed never to visit North Carolina again. He said that "these toothless hicks should be able to better provide for a future President and his staff. This is intolerable!"

As a token of appeasement, he was allowed a complimentary breakfast burrito from the "Taco Tent" in the airport and boarded the plane for Alaska by 9:56 AM the next day.

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