Ron on the EnviRonment

From his pioneering work to raise awareness of the problems of global warming to protecting and saving America's natural treasures, Ron has an imaginary track record of action and leadership in protecting our environment. Ron is committed to a new era of environmental protection if elected President. The outdated current federal model of "mandate, regulate, and litigate" needs to be modernized. While it has yielded benefits in the past, it encourages Americans to do the bare minimum to protect the environment and fails to reward innovation or positive results. Ron alleges to having a plan to promote more livable communities, protect the common gray squirrel, and take new steps to protect our fragile coastlines. To curtail global warming and ensure clean air, Ron is pushing for the United States to ratify the Kyoto Protocol. Since the document was created in Japan, Ron is unsure of the language of the agreement, relying instead on secondhand translations of the innovative environmental legislation. He thinks it has something to do with promoting the "Samurai Culture" by buying low-emission Japanese automobiles, cut-rate Japanese electronics, and low-priced kimonos. Ron wants to further strengthen the standards that give people the right to know about toxic releases in their neighborhoods and abroad. In this way, the creation of mutants and the proliferation of mole-people will be drastically reduced. As with any new technology, Ron believes we must carefully weigh the risks and benefits of genetically modified organisms, particularly with respect to food safety and potential environmental impacts. "If we could replace the dangerous sharp and pointy pineapple with the Hostess Twinkie," Ron proclaimed to a group of morticians in Alaska last month, "we would not only reduce on health care costs, but also save millions in unnecessary embalming costs." Ron's response to global warming will include the following: Increased use of renewable energy and diminished use of fossil fuels, especially for electric power generation; improved fuel efficiency of all vehicles; improved efficiency of all appliances and industrial equipment; the elimination of all subsidies for fossil fuel and nuclear development and production. Among these resources, Ron will reinitiate the widespread use of dogsleds and police cars powered by real horses. In all, Ron wants to challenge the country to change its environmental attitude through his Habitat for an Environmentally Aware Populace (HEAP) endeavor. Through initiatives laid forth in the HEAP program, Ron will ensure that the federal government maintains a strong environmental role but will return significant authority to states and local communities. Under Ron, the federal government will set high environmental standards and provide market-based incentives to develop new technologies and approaches so that Americans meet -- and exceed -- those standards. If none of these ideas work, Ron is willing to plug up Old Faithful with concrete to "see what happens."

"Scientists, take note: Try to convert toxic waste into yummy pies -- because, while everybody hates a toxic waste dump in their neighborhood, I think I can speak for everybody when I say a pie shop is A-Okay." -- Ron

Posted by Webmaster at September 25, 2000 05:25 PM

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