September 15, 2009

Cannonball!

Jersey City, New Jersey, September 15, 2009:

A New Jersey history buff who recreates firearms from old wars accidentally fired a 2-pound cannonball through the wall of his neighbor's home. William Maser, 54, fired a cannonball Tuesday evening outside his home in Jersey City that ricocheted and hit a house 400 yards away. The cannonball, about two inches in diameter, smashed through a window and a wall before landing in a closet. Authorities said nobody was hurt.

The cannonball awoke the fired-upon neighbor from his post-happy hour nap. The neighbor, identified as Ronatarian Party leader Ron, said he was frightened to death when he was awoken by the blast.

"I remember thinking to myself: 'What the f*ck was that?'" Ron told reporters. "I was completely thrown off the couch and empties went flying everywhere. ... Thankfully, the damned thing ended up in [roommate] Brad's closet. My sh*t's OK."

State police charged Maser with reckless endangerment, criminal mischief and disorderly conduct.

No one answered the phone Wednesday at Maser's home. He told The New Jersey Spew recreating 19th century cannons is a longtime hobby. He said he is sorry and he will stop shooting them on his property.

"I should hope so," said Ron. "Now I gotta go out and buy new underwear."

Posted by Bittle at 01:09 AM

September 12, 2009

Lose Change

Jersey City, New Jersey, September 12, 2009:

Police say three armed thieves stormed into a Jersey City home to steal a water jug full of loose change. Hudson County police said the masked suspects descended on the somewhat ramshackle home around 2 a.m. Friday.

Outside they came across the enraged owner, Ron, who was returning from a night out on the town drinking. Police said the burglars roughed Ron up and berated his political positions before breaking in.

Detective Sgt. Peter Paul Molloy said the bandits then went straight for an upstairs bedroom where the coins were kept in a big water bottle. He says they broke down the door, grabbed the heavy jug, and fled.

Three unidentified males were in the home in the other bedroom at the time. One is purported to have been Brad.

Molloy said Ron wasn't sure how much money was in the jar but had been saving the coins for some time. Malloy added that Ron indicated the coins were mostly to buy "more booze."

Posted by Bittle at 10:01 AM

September 03, 2009

Poem

I still think one of mankind's greatest
inventions is that little brown strip
that appears in the bottom of my underwear
to tell me when it's time to wash them.

(Michael F.) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 09:25 PM

September 02, 2009

In a Pickle

Boston, Massachusetts, September 2, 2009:

Talk about being in a pickle: A Massachusetts judge gave a New Jersey politician probation in a case that police said involved an assault with pickles. According to police reports, the pickle problems began when Ronatarian Party leader Ron was hanging out at his then-friend "Evil" Steve Bonadio's home in Stow on August 29.

Ron went to the refrigerator and helped himself to some pickles. According to the report, Bonadio told Ron he couldn't afford to feed everyone and not to eat his pickles. Ron then began yelling and swearing and stormed out, according to the report.

Later, Ron barged back into the house and got into an argument with Bonadio. Bonadio told police Ron slammed him down on the couch and threw two large pickles at him and screamed, "Here's your damn pickles!"

Ron also shoved former friend "Shad" and beat Bonadio with a telephone when he tried to call 911, according to the report. Two counts involving Ron's assaults were dismissed as was a charge of cutting or interfering with phone lines.

"If this is not the silliest case I've ever seen in this courtroom, it certainly is in the Top 10," Boston Trial Court Judge Scott Schofield said. "The fact that it's silly doesn't mean that it's not serious."

Defense attorney Andrew Sepe said alcohol appeared to be at the root of Ron's problems. That and "an imbalance of bodily humors."

Posted by Bittle at 04:07 PM